Today is hard for me. I haven't had a mother for many years, nor a mother-in-law, certainly not a grandmother.
My own daughter is hundreds of miles away. She sent a few lines of text and I'm flying out on Tuesday for a week.
My step-daughter, for whom I've sacrificed much, sent a one-line text. "Happy Mother's Day" without even an emoji heart.
From her daughter, my 16 year-old granddaughter for whom I'd drop everything, nothing. Last year she painted a rock.
Do I sound bitter? I feel bitter today. I am wallowing in bitterness today.
I had this fantasy/daydreamy thing where the step daughter and her fiance would show up with the kids and take me out and I'd get a rose at a restaurant and feel special for an hour.
Instead, on Facebook, I saw that the kids made her breakfast in bed, which is adorable, but made me feel like crap because WTF I don't even get a rock.
And it's days like these when I most miss smoking. It's days like these when I don't want to go for a walk or go shopping and I certainly don't want to cook anything. It's days like these that will allow no comfort.
And I feel bitter that of course I know smoking wouldn't comfort me either.