Gut wrenching grief

Discussion created by NicMensinga on Jul 20, 2019
Latest reply on Mar 27, 2020 by NicMensinga

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Hi everyone,

I've had to reset my quit date yet again. I am feeling frustrated but I am doing my best. 11 months yesterday since I lost the love of my life. I found out on Friday that I have to go to court and read out a victim impact statement of how his death has affected my life. It's just brought everything back up for me.. I spent all day yesterday crying and today I feel like I can barely function... I know being smoke-free will help me but when I feel like this, all reasoning goes out the window. I hope everyone else is still going well.. Just felt I needed to share

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43 Replies

indingrl.01.06.2011 Jul 20, 2019 7:33 PM
No worries take care of YOU and so sorry for YOUR loss - gentle hug❤
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- NicMensinga @ indingrl.01.06.2011 on Jul 20, 2019 7:37 PM
  Thank you
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marciem Jul 20, 2019 7:52 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for having to "go through it all" again for the impact statement... that IS gut-wrenching. ((((hugs and prayers)))) for softening of your grief...

When is your new quit date? I hope it will be soon. The longer you put it off, the easier it is to put it off and the more difficult to get a new one going.

Please stick around, read and post, keep educating yourself about this addiction and quit process... posting can be about anything, sharing your daily joys and sorrows, supporting others, asking for support, playing games... anything to keep your hands busy doing anything besides smoking. DO rid your environment of all smoking materials...

Quit to live better... you deserve it!!
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- NicMensinga @ marciem on Jul 20, 2019 7:57 PM
  Thank you.. court is in a week from tomorrow but may be put off by a week or two. I will stop again as soon as I run out. I have patches will help me a lot. I am usually ok with a few cravings but yesterday I got completely overwhelmed as I had to relive the accident again.. The next week writing my statement is going to be so bloody hard but I will do my best to do it smoke-free. I have set my quit date for a couple of days time This site is great to share and get support..
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  - EleanorRigby @ NicMensinga on Feb 12, 2020 10:58 PM
    Can you get some lozenges or gum? It really helped me in hard times. Just enough to take the edge off. I relapsed too and not even for a reason...but now I keep them handy just in case I dare to think of stopping at the gas station or bumming one. You can get through this.. we are all praying for you and sending out healing light.
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marciem Jul 20, 2019 8:03 PM
For starters... computer/writing area is "smoke-free zone", ok? So as you type your statement you are in a place you know you can't smoke. That helped me a lot... kind of like escaping to a movie theater or grocery store (or even shower.... ever smoked in the shower? very tough!)... places where you just can't smoke.

This can help take away some of the more habitual smoking that happens. (as opposed to "i will smoke or hurt someone, take your choice" addiction smoking).

Best to you!
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- NicMensinga @ marciem on Jul 20, 2019 8:23 PM
  I never ever smoke inside! Only ever out... I really don't like it so it's not hear to stay. It's just a reaction to my trauma and old patterns of suppressing pain. Getting therapy and using NRT will get me through. It's getting easier every time and the relapses are much shorter.. days instead of years!
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elvan Jul 20, 2019 8:21 PM
I am so terribly sorry for your loss and for the grief you have already endured and now have to relive. How incredibly cruel that seems. DO know that we are here and we will listen any time you need to vent. Again, my deepest sympathy.
Ellen
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- NicMensinga @ elvan on Jul 20, 2019 8:25 PM
  Thanks so much Ellen. Yes it does seem very cruel.. There's even more stuff I am dealing with but I won't go in to it here. Hoping by the end of the year things are more settled.. I have the last of the 'firsts' August 20. The anniversary of losing him.. after that hopefully I can begin to heal. Yep I am thankful for the support I get from all of you. Thank you
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  - elvan @ NicMensinga on Jul 20, 2019 8:45 PM
    You can feel free to vent any time...it has saved more than one quit. August 20th...that is not long ago. I cannot imagine your pain and I wish there was a way to help. Grief is something very personal and everyone grieves in their own way, this has to be seriously intense for you.
    Hugs,
    Ellen
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    - NicMensinga @ elvan on Jul 20, 2019 8:54 PM
      Nearly 1 year.. It's gone so fast, yet so slow.. I think time is the only thing that will heal. All part of life I guess but just not the way I lost him
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pcolaflorida Jul 20, 2019 10:18 PM
I'm so sorry for the terrible loss and I pray that you will find the strength to voice how this had changed your life. Don't be hard on yourself for changing the date. I'm happy your still talking about quitting and not just saying the hell with it for now. I feel as long as you are talking about quitting it's a positive sign and the more times you say it I believe it's increases your commitment level. Again, prayers to you and everyone living with this trajedy and best to you in the days and weeks to come.
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- NicMensinga @ pcolaflorida on Jul 21, 2019 2:21 AM
  Thank you... Yes I won't quit quitting
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Gwenivere Jul 20, 2019 11:37 PM
My deepest sympathy of your loss. I lost mine over 4 years ago and there are so many triggers. I don’t understand this statement you have to make, but obviously the legal world is involved. That’s so cruel on top of your emotional struggles. This is a time, IMO, that taking on another battle can wait. You’ve got to get thru this first. And everyone here will be waiting to help in whatever apway they can. Take good care of you first and don’t add weight to your grief journey until you are ready. Hugs to you.
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- NicMensinga @ Gwenivere on Jul 21, 2019 2:23 AM
  Thank you so much.. It's such a tough journey on it's on, let alone adding legal crap. The woman that hit him with her car is appealing her sentence which was pathetic anyway. I have been asked to write a victim impact statement to let the court & her how it's affected my life as clearly she has no remorse. Yes so many triggers... I just want to try and move forward but it's so hard at the moment. I am sorry for your loss too xx
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Mandolinrain Jul 21, 2019 7:11 AM
I can't begin to imagine what your feeling, how you ever 'get over' something like that. Just know we are here for you and talk to us however/whenever you need to. Maybe come here and talk next time before lighting up, f you can.

As hard as this Victim impact statement is going to be on on, don't let it be your excuse to be another victim of cigarettes, okay? Turn your trys into why's by deciding why exactly you are smoking. When you light up and inhale
ask yourself first : What are you expecting it to give you?.... What void is it filling??? Will it actually fill it or will it make a greater loss?
Sometimes I found by searching and thinking the smoke all the way through BEFORE I lighted up, I would find I diid not want or need to smoke after all.

Meanwhile I am thinking of you and sending encouragement hugs and prayers.
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- NicMensinga @ Mandolinrain on Jul 21, 2019 2:15 PM
  I think it's the anxiety that drives the desire and that the smoking suppresses the extreme grief reaction. I am mostly good with my cravings but when I get it to this state, it's super hard to stop my reaction. I will run out by the end of the day and I will try again.. Regardless of the tough week I have coming up. Thank you
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Barbscloud Jul 21, 2019 7:48 AM
I lost my husband 12 years ago. Even though it wasn't due to an accident, it was pretty traumatic. Even to this day, I can remember much of what happened. Thankfully, our memory does begin to fade with time. I hate that you have to relive the events that caused his death, but I was thinking it might be me cathartic to put it in writing and give you some closure. Possibly getting those feelings on paper will help to let them go. I'm so sorry for you loss. Losing a spouse is a very lonely feeling. That fact that you are still here and picking a new quit date shows how much you want this. Stay close in the meantime.
Barb
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- NicMensinga @ Barbscloud on Jul 21, 2019 2:17 PM
  Sorry for your loss Barb. Yes that day is burned in to my memory... I get tingles down my hands when I hear ambulances.. I think writing the statement and reading it in court will be helpful once it's done. It's just starting and putting it in to words that I am struggling with.. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. Also having to see this woman's face for the first time. I also have been pushed away by his family and they are going to be there too.. Just hard all round.. Thank you x
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Barbara145 Jul 21, 2019 8:31 AM
So sorry for your loss. If you are grieving again it still needs to be grieved. When we don't completely grieve a loss it will show up at our next loss. Grieve your loss and take kind and gentle care of yourself. Thinking of you.
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- NicMensinga @ Barbara145 on Jul 21, 2019 2:18 PM
  Oh I cry every day & write in a journal. I know the smokes suppress the feelings a bit and I don't want that.. Some days I don't really care. It's a very hard thing to go through.. Smoking is only making it harder though. I know this.. thank you x
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Marilyn.H.July.14.14. Jul 21, 2019 8:46 AM
I'm sending you a humongous caring hug along with good thoughts and prayers we're all here to help you in any way we can please stay close blog as often as you need to....NicMensinga
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- NicMensinga @ Marilyn.H.July.14.14. on Jul 21, 2019 2:18 PM
  thank you xx
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jonimarie Jul 21, 2019 12:26 PM
I agree with what Barbara145 said.
Grieving is a journey it is not an event. It takes time and each individual grief process is unique.
Take care
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- NicMensinga @ jonimarie on Jul 21, 2019 2:19 PM
  The hardest journey I have been on so far and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.. thank you x
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Christine13 Jul 21, 2019 12:53 PM
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and the statement you have to make in court. I lost my husband Jan. 1, 2018.
I can imagine loosing my partner as the result of a car hitting him. You are in my heart as you go through this.
Quit when you are ready, I am praying for you.
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- NicMensinga @ Christine13 on Jul 21, 2019 2:19 PM
  Thank you.. I am sorry for you loss too x
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Coyote1 Jul 25, 2019 12:03 PM
So sorry for your loss love. We are here to listen when you need to vent. Totally get the desire to smoke during such a time is strong.
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George-Martin Jul 27, 2019 12:15 AM
Grief is such a difficult thing- it is a form of trauma for sure. I wouldn't dare minimize your emotions.

I have gone thru a very difficult time with my ex wides infidelity and other things she has done- just repeated insult to injury! I could tell I was just huffing down cigarettes- and finally figured out I was just trying my best to bury the pain with nicotine-really it makes anxiety so much worse.

So on this quit- I decided to not fight the urges- rather look at the urge to smoke as rising emotions that i just let have their way with me-just allow them to be- no fighting- no suppressing - just let them see the light of day so i can heal- it seems to be working for me

I don't know if this may help you- I wish you the best with your journey to recover from the intense situation you are going thru- I really love this site for support- stay with us!
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- NicMensinga @ George-Martin on Jul 27, 2019 12:28 AM
  Thanks so much! Yes grief is a hard one.. I am so sorry for what you are going through.. matters of the heart are really tricky..
  
  How long have you quit for now? yes smoking makes my anxiety so bad! I don't sleep well on them either and smoke from 4am onward...
  
  Yes your words helped.. thank you
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MartyO Feb 13, 2020 9:23 AM
So sorry for your loss and the aftermath. I will be quitting on 2/26/2020 and would love for you to join me!
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- Barbscloud @ MartyO on Feb 13, 2020 9:36 AM
  Welcome to the Ex and congrats on your decision to quit. Since you're new, I just wanted to point out some of these posts you're responding to are old so you may not receive a response from the author. Didn't want you to think we aren't here to support you! You could create your own post and introduce yourself so the community so we can get to know. We're here to support you and looking forward to celebrating with you on the 26th.
  Barb
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  - MartyO @ Barbscloud on Feb 13, 2020 9:46 AM
    Thank you!
    Learning to navigate!
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- NicMensinga @ MartyO on Feb 14, 2020 11:17 PM
  Hi and welcome!! Thank you so much... I am just over 6 weeks quit now woo hoo!! I still have my rough days but it's time to look after myself and process my grief rather than numb it.. Good luck and stay on here lots to get help
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green1611 Feb 14, 2020 3:21 AM
Empathise your feelings.
Unfortunate ! What has happened ..can not be undone.
Time is the only remedy for such things.

However,
Show must go on, so good to get new date and move on.

All the best !
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- NicMensinga @ green1611 on Feb 14, 2020 11:19 PM
  Thank you... Yep life does go on..
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Mike.n.Atlanta Feb 14, 2020 7:56 AM
I can't begin to feel or understand the pain you're going through NicMensinga. Know that I'm praying for your healing.
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- NicMensinga @ Mike.n.Atlanta on Feb 14, 2020 11:18 PM
  Thank you Time does heal but I know it's something I will have to live with forever.. being healthy will help me deal with it. Thanks again for your well wishes!
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  - SuzyQ411 @ NicMensinga on Feb 15, 2020 1:37 AM
    Welcome back NicMensinga and congratulations on your 6 weeks of being cigarette-free. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. I'm new to this site but already feel we are here to help one another! ~ Suzy
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    - NicMensinga @ SuzyQ411 on Mar 9, 2020 1:15 AM
      Hi Suzy! Thank you... I'm over 9 weeks now and going strong! How are you going with your quit? xx
      
      Yes this site is great!
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      - SuzyQ411 @ NicMensinga on Mar 9, 2020 9:02 PM
        So glad you are doing so well! After coming back from a 2 week relapse, I am now at my 63rd day and steaming ahead! I have finally accepted that I will never smoke again and have become content with that so it makes this all easier, for sure. NOPE it is, No Matter What (NMW) :-) Wishing you well in your continued quit!!
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        NicMensinga @ SuzyQ411 on Mar 27, 2020 5:54 AM
        Thank you! Back at you! Yes, smoking is no longer an option.. it NEVER helps a situation so why do it
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Barbscloud Feb 15, 2020 9:06 AM
Welcome back! Congrats on your 6 week smoke free. Stay close.
Barb
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Gut wrenching grief

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