Last week, my husband out of the blue called me when he was at work. "I'm going to quit smoking." I replied "when" he replied, " I just did." This was a shocker. I know he is trying to become a police officer, and test date is coming up, but I thought he would quit then.. I don't know. We have our anniversary coming up. That is our fun smoking time. Our time without the kids! We are free for a couple days! Smoke wherever we want whenever we want! In the car ride to the hotel, in the hotel, every where, and anywhere. It's fun. Now I don't know how to let that go. After he quit, naturally everyone started asking when I am going to quit. It got me thinking. Now, really, I don't want to quit. Well, I do and I don't. I love smoking. I really love it. I love waking up in the morning going outside with coffee and smoking. I love smoking at night to relax. But I am 27(still pretty young), I have three beautiful children, a wonderful husband. I have been smoking since I was 13 years old (stopping only when I was pregnant). that is half of my life. I want to watch my kids grow up. I can't imagine if I wasn't here because of something so stupid. So I decided to quit. I talked to my doctor, and got on Wellbutrin again. (tried it last time I tried to quit smoking). Tomorrow will be day 7 on it. I have patches. I was going to quit Saturday, but honestly I go back and forth between "this isn't even fun anymore. Troy isn't even smoking, he thinks the cig taste in my mouth is starting to taste bad, it isn't a social thing anymore. this is just a pain. Let's get it over with and just quit." I did that 2 days ago, put on the patch, lasted 8 hours, and told myself I would quit on Sat. I only have a few cigs left, and I really don't want to buy another pack so I have changed my quit date to tomorrow. I have huge anxiety just thinking about it. know it sounds weird but i have no idea how i am going to function. How do I get up in the morning without a smoke? What in the world will I do when I am bored? What will Troy and I do for 4 hours in the car to our vacation? Not smoke? How? How do I let go of such a friend. How do I comprehend the fact that the joyous smoke will no longer be. EVER? How do I deal with the kids fighting without taking a break outside to smoke? How in the world can I possibly make it through a day, a lifetime, without smoking again? Part of me is so ready, but the other part is FREAKING OUT!!! But if I'm not going to do it, when will I? Troy made a good point. Our daughter is almost 8. Do I want her to start smoking at 13? In 5 short years? No. I don't. I jsut don't know how to get past this anxiety. It's killing me. Will it go away???? Wow. That was long. Wish me luck. I am about to go outside and smoke. It's 7 pm. 11:59 pm and I will quit.
Pray for me,
Misty
