haven't been on here for sometime now, it's been a little over 2 weeks since that last hit. i'm loving it.
i just started this new job at sprint and it's ok i mean i love the people here they are very nice and real flexible seems like so far. but i'm just not sure it's the job for me. but hey it's money huh? with this economy now a-days.
well ok the big thing here is that i still have that omg why can't i just smoke a cig? type of feeling. i know in my heart i don't want one but it's just like hey what am i supposed to do here? i'm just sitting here like an idiot waiting i used to enjoy that wait here cigarette i mean when i was at the club with my friends if one of them said hey i'll brb i'm going to the bathroom what i would do is smoke a cig while i waited. and the 15 min breaks you have at work, what the hell can i do in 15 min than smoke? nothing. i mean i try to destract myself pretend i'm texting somebody or trying to call someone but i'm not. i have something in my hand to play with but i just don't feel the same i feel like i'm missing something like why not just smoke here at least it looks like your outside for a reason instead of just standing there...
ok i know i don't want to smoke but i dunno it's kinda hard to explain. i feel that emptyness like something is deff not the same about me when i just sit and wait when i'm bored when i have those breaks i don't want to just sit there like an idiot i want to have an excuse to take a break not to just stand there or when i'm bored i want to be able to do something instead of just sitting there or standing there doing nothing.
i wish i knew what to do because it seems like with this in my mind someday i'm just going to have a reason to give up being an ex. i mean i know it sounds pathetic about me being on this website and saying that but i mean i really don't want to stand here and strike against this or nothing, BUT WTF ELSE CAN I DO AT THESE TIMES?? nothing seems to work out for me, i'm scared i really am fearfull i don't ever want to smoke again but these empty times it's just feeling harder and i feel like stupid or something i feel like there's a part of my personality that's not the same, like if i had a new girlfriend that was trying to change the way i am...
i freaking hate this!
