Blog Post created by Rosenkrantz on Nov 29, 2018

Day 3 was hard.  I got irrationally angry over small inconveniences to the point of crying and yelling.  I had a meltdown that lasted about five minutes.  Day 4 was a little easier, I got irrationally angry only once, there were no tears or yelling, and I calmed myself down by standing outside on the porch for a few minutes in the cold, breathing deliberately, listening to my wind chimes.  Day 5 was easier than Day 4; when I had very big cravings, I sat at my desk and meditated for a few minutes until they passed (I use a phone app called "Headspace").  Now it's Day 6, and so far so good.  I would very much like to smoke, but I won't. 


I find myself craving soda a lot.  I believe it is probably due to the fizzy/burning feeling you get in your mouth from the carbonation, which feels a little bit like the burning you get from inhaling on a cigarette.  I generally avoid soda, but I have gone through two two liter bottles of it so far this week - diet birch beer and Coke Zero.  I'm eating a lot, I've gone through an entire pound of liverwurst over the last few days, which is an insane amount of liverwurst.  I craved it, though.  I'm eating Life Savers like they're candy (ha ha), and eating popcorn until I feel my stomach expand.  I'm probably going to gain a little weight, and that's okay.  Eventually this will pass and I will be able to tolerate hunger again.  Right now I can't tolerate even a little bit of hunger.  I'm thankful I don't have to.      


I've been sucking on one of my e-cig batteries, which is helping.  The battery unit does not contain nicotine - cartridges you screw on top of the battery contain the nicotine, so sucking on the battery helps with the hand to mouth compulsion without giving me a burst of nicotine.  Coloring also helps.  I dragged out some old adult coloring books, gel pens, and colored pencils yesterday and spent an hour coloring an intricate drawing of a tree. 


Psychologically, I keep telling myself that I don't want cigarettes, not really, that I am addicted to nicotine and these cravings are coming from years of altering my brain chemistry to expect nicotine.  I try to picture myself scrubbing my brain of nicotine receptors like they're black mold on a bathroom ceiling.  It sort of works. 


Everyone here was so kind and encouraging.  Thank you for your comments.