SLIP FEELS LIKE I WAS AMBUSHED

[BHnCA]

I slipped today. Before anybody tries convincing me my reason is based on a flimsy excuse, I would be inclined to challenge them.  I’ve been doing good in my first 7 days of not smoking. I even got thru the first most difficult 3 days and was finally feeling like I can DO this. Going off the patches made the effort a little more difficult, but I was sticking with it. In the last 3 nights, though, I’ve been woke up twice from sound sleep with severe headaches caused from occipital neuralgia (diagnosed 2 years ago) which was treated successfully with gabapentin.  I since ran out of that medication, but was told the 6 month dose was probably enough to settle the nerves down.  Now the nerve/s is/are apparently ticked off, again, and with a vengeance. When these headaches strike it feels like a meat cleaver has been buried in the top of my head.  It’s an intense, icy, stinging pain that gradually radiates acrossed my head. My eyes water and it takes everything I have to just breathe through the pain with an ice bag on top of my head, and wait until it starts settling down, then I have a mild headache for the following 24 hours. Sometimes it’s so bad it feels like the top of my head had been ripped open and my immediate reflex is to grab my head to hold it together, because it feels like ice cold air is rushing into my skull.  NOT fun.  I’ve had a full series of MRI’s and CT scans before to rule out things like a stroke; occipital neuralgia is the confirmed diagnosis. As if the fear of continuing to have these fierce and unexpected headaches isn’t enough, another problem arose today - GETTING a refill for the medication that treats the cause.  And it’s not because I don’t have excellent insurance.

This afternoon I discovered that GETTING a refill is next to impossible, because the neurologist who prescribed it is no longer within my hospital system. A new neurologist was assigned to me awhile back and my first appointment was to have been 2 months ago. They changed that appointment to May 24th, though and, last week they called, again, and pushed it out even further, to June 22nd. Meanwhile the headaches had started coming back, so I requested them to, at least, order me a refill till I could SEE the new doctor. The nurse said “no problem, we commonly do that, especially when we are the ones rescheduling appointments.”  What a relief!  Fast forward to May 21st, when the pharmacy called and said the new doctor would NOT order a refill after all. So I called the neurologist’s office for help. They were no help at all, because the new doctor wasn’t the one who originally ordered gabapentin for me. I get it, but when I asked what I should do under the circumstances, the receptionist told me “call you’re primary doctor, that’s what she’s for.”  

That was no help, either, because my doctor is on vacation till the end of a June and nobody will order me a refill without seeing me first, plus I was told a neurologist would have to order gabapentin, anyway, vs my primary doctor (an internist). I get that, too, so I asked if I they have a neurologist working in Urgent Care Clinic? She didn’t think so, but would check, but I already know the ONLY neurologist who works at that hospital has already pushed my appointment out to the end ofJune.  I even told them I am so afraid of the headaches that I am willing to drive to another neurologist within 100 miles if they could just get me in, but that plea was to no avail either.  So I wait and just pray I don’t have any more headaches in the meantime. Not one of my better days.

So yeah, I slipped. And even when I did I knew damn well it’s not going to change anything I’m experiencing at this moment, but I made the choice to give in because I was a train wreck and all I wanted was SOMETHING that would relieve my frustration and tears even if it was only a temporary fix.  I’ll get back to my quit, I swear. I just don’t think it’s going to be today is all.

[Giulia]

Bonnie, I am sorry.  I wasn't attempting to shame you.  Shame is similar to guilt, and serves no positive productive purpose.  I was simply trying to point out that the people here with long-term quits didn't let life get in their way.  They stood fast to their quit commitment and that is what's necessary to become a long-term quitter. (Guess I could have said that instead of pointing to specifics.)   But I can see how you might have taken my comment as you did.   I also was forewarned with " Before anybody tries convincing me my reason is based on a flimsy excuse, I would be inclined to challenge them."  And challenge me you have.  To my mind any reason to smoke after one has quit is simply an excuse.  And I was not trying to excuse the toughness of my commentary with the 'lol' at the end.  Rather I was trying to indicate a 'tone' that attempted to say, "I'm not really yelling, so if you feel like I am, just leave what you don't like and move on to the next post."  Guess that didn't work too well.  Having Stage 4 COPD is tough love enough, I'm sure.

In any event, I apologize for seeming rude.  That's never a good thing.  I wish you freedom.  

[BHnCA]

Appolgy accepted. I know exactly what your intent was.  I believe, though, that your reference to "the people here with long-term quits didn't let life get in their way" is a misnomer.  Although some people are lucky enough to quit and stay quit on their first try in spite of what happens in their lives, the greater number of quitters fail numerous times before finally succeeding. That fact is a universal truth. I am not relying on that reality, though, to excuse what happened yesterday.  When my kids were growing up I always taught them that "mistakes are lessons looking for a place to happen so we can become better than we were." We never get too old to learn that.  If it makes you happy to hear it, therefore, I will say straight out that I OWN yesterday's failure, but I'm not using it as a means to continue smoking. 

I raised two daughters and have grandkids and great-grandkids, so I know all about tough love.  I, also, know you have great passion about people becoming smoke free. But one slip does not mean a total failure - as you well know - and I have already begun a new quit. I don't expect nor want to be coddled or handled with kid gloves as I go along; it would be counter intuitive, because I KNOW the challenges before me have and will continue being tough. That's why I joined this program. I want the real deal and have and will continue to read things on this site and others, as well as interacting with others, so as to KEEP wrapping my head around it all.  It is a very progressive effort, and support from others has been invaluable. There is a difference, however, between constructive support and harsh attempts to make one's point. So, yeah, your message didn't work too well, but it isn't going to break my resolve. 

[Kbloodless]

Congrats on being able to requit  so soon and also for not guilting yourself! I found guilt always made me smoke longer.

[karenjones]

It seems that you don;'t know where you are at in this journey.  just saying.

[BHnCA]

I don't know what you mean by that. Would you care to elaborate? Maybe something you say will be of help to me.

[karenjones]

. you lost your quit when you smoked.  you may have assumed responsiblitity for your quit, but then you became irrisponsible and started smoking. that is when you lost your quit.  you didn't re-start the quit.  you had to begin the quit all over again.  it is not like a car that you take the key out of and then re-start it again the next day.  Which you are probably finding out. The good thing is that you did not smoke for long when you went back to it.  That is good.  Very good.

[Kbloodless]

In a way I agree, my fiancé says he’s “quit” but he smokes a few times a week, and I suffer his mood swings that he doesn’t fully see. I realized quickly that telling him he didn’t quit wasn’t going to help, maybe he needs to hear it from someone else, I told him that he has mood swings every time he smokes, and that it makes it hard for me and gave up on encouraging him to really quit. in his mind he’s quit.... but I know that each time he smokes he’s a smoker... each time that “quit clock” starts again but if he’s just waiting for his next cig in a few days... I don’t even think the quit clock starts back up. He has to actually quit. Quitting isn’t, I don’t buy them anymore (been there done that) but I recognize.... this is where he’s at on his journey and I’ll lead by example... and remind myself that just one cig would lead me to his every few days smoking or right back to smoking every day. And I quit because I like hiking, I like lifting weights and yoga.... I like not having a heavy chest all the time.... I like not having mood swings that scream in my head to get tobacco. I like not thinking about tobacco at all. his whole family thinks they’re not smokers but his brother and father smoke once a month or every other month or whatever it is, and that’s smoking, they’re still going through nicotine withdrawal, I’ve been there... I don’t want to shame or guilt them, I simply don’t agree with the “I quit months ago” thing my fiancé does, cuz he didn’t he smoked three days ago! and it does to negatively affect his mood, it’s like living with someone that just quit, but like every day. I hope he eventually stops this up down cycle. If I smoked, I’d restart my count. I also think second hand smoke fudges it a bit, I was at my dads a few weeks ago and he smoked inside so did my fiancé, for whatever crazy reason I didn’t exit the house, and I think I got so much nicotine and such, the following week I was manic and wanted to smoke soooo badly, I choose not to though, like I said I don’t like having a heavy chest anymore 

[AnnetteMM]

As an aside to Giulia:  Your response is a beautiful example of addressing the process vs. the content.  The trials of life, some of them extreme tragedy, can test anyone's resolve.  Keeping them separate from the addiction is key.  Well done.

[Lisaml]

I’m so so sorry!!! 

I cant begin to imagine what that’s like, and I’m sorry. 

But that run-around with the doctors office is uncalled for, and ridiculous. 

Look. SOMEONE is covering for your doc during vacation. It is poor practice to let your refill expire- I would call back and Pitch a fit. You need the meds. You do NOT have to be a neurologist to prescribe neurontin (gabapentin). 

Sorry for all you went thru. 

[BHnCA]

Thank you. I don’t know if I’ll pitch a fit - I found out today that it didn’t do much help. LOL. But I will be calling around tomorrow to find out if another neurologist has any openings. I already know there are only two other doctors covering in my primary care doctor’s office, but I guess they didn’t have any openings this afternoon. A visit to Urgent Care proved positive later though.