I feel stupid. I thought once again that if I just made up my mind, whamo, I would be able to not pick up a smoke this morning. I didn't do any planning last night when I was done working, I just drank a couple of beers and tried to smoke as much of my last pack as I could get through before bed. I didn't wet the remaining smokes in the pack and throw them away like I thought I should so they wouldn't be on my desk in the morning. I just thought, "Last pack and I will be done"... I am sure most here can relate, you have probably done the same as me, like a million times, and then hated yourself for failing so easy the next day.
Ok, so 3 smokes left in the pack in my desk drawer, I really, really don't want to go buy more at lunchtime, I really, really want this insanity in my head to end and just get over to the other, smoke-free side, and start learning to live without these damn awful things. I am so scattered about my thoughts right now I don't even know where to begin, except here, telling this website how I feel. Not one person in the real world knows what I am going through. My mom had a hip replacement at the beginning of the month and came out of it a non-smoker, she has smoked longer than me. But she won't talk to me about it though I hear her talking on the phone to others about it. She just stopped. My sneaky little nicotine mind thinks she is cheating, but there is absolutely no evidence. I have told her (and everyone else) a million times that I am done, and a million-and-one times I have failed. So this is just a secret agony I am going through by myself. I am so glad I found this website. You know what the funny thing is? I can't remember the last time I truly enjoyed lighting up and smoking a cigarette. Every inhale is a curse I say to myself.
Peace
M.
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