Fell Off the Wagon

[missellen]

Ugh. Well, I did it, I smoked. I pretty much knew I was going to. I fought it for a few days, but not hard enough. I didn't come here much, I didn't talk to anyone IRL about it, I gave myself a few half-hearted "pep" talks and then went and bought a pack.  

I knew I was giving in to the addict part of me and I DIDN'T CARE  -- that's what's so disturbing about it.  WHY didn't I care?  Why didn't I care enough about myself and my quit to fight it?  To come here, where I know there is overwhelming support?  To talk to my husband or my mom who are huge supporters of me and my quit?  I'm not entirely sure. I wanted to smoke is ultimately the bottom line.  I wanted to smoke and I didn't want to smoke, but the wanting beat out the not wanting.

So, after nearly two weeks of being quit cold turkey, when the nicotine was presumably all flushed out of my system, I smoked to beat the band. I smoked until I felt sick (on purpose). I smoked and smoked and smoked all on the down low, I might add. Not in the house, not around anyone, but in my car in a parking lot while it was still dark out in the morning--like a fugitive; a criminal. Because that is how I felt.

After smoking like a chimney, I threw the remainder of the pack and the lighter away. I went to the car wash and cleaned the inside of the car--cleaned the windows, the dash, vacuumed it out and sprayed it with sandalwood spray.

I stopped in the store and restocked up on cinnamon gum and lemons.  The hubby was nice enough to buy me m&m's and good and plenty and a very sweet card telling me how proud he was of me (um, can you say guilt) yesterday. I'll have to fess up when he wakes up.

I came home and threw my clothes in the washer and took a shower.

And now, here I sit, with a nice, tall glass of ice cold lemon water and feeling like a jerk. But, I can't allow this to lead me into smoking full time again. I can't. I won't. My gym bag is already packed up for the morning and I'm busy for a lot of today, so that will help. I have to go reset my quit day now. I'm now just about an hour into my quit.

[elvan]

missellen‌ Well, NUTS, I am so sorry to hear this but I KNOW you can do this, you allowed yourself to "romance" the smoking and then you were hit with the reality of it...the smell, the feeling of deceit, of disappointment.  Oh my, I HAVE been there.  I don't ever want to go there again, it is so much better being an EX.  I am glad you are picking right back up where you started, this is a journey and it will have ups and downs and good days and bad days...that is what life is about and we do not need to smoke to try to NOT feel.  Let those feelings wash over you...acknowledge that they are there and that you don't DO that any more.

Best,

Ellen

[Cricket]

That being said, "It's the reward factor"  Have you thought about rewards that you can allow yourself that don't include smoking?  Can you list them?  It is important to know what they are, so you can protect yourself next time.  This story scares me because I dreamed about smoking last night.  I told my husband this morning and He asked me if I felt guilty.  I answered him, "Not a bit"  Yikes!  What happened to you could happen to any one of us.  Guard yourself....    Cricket 36 DOF 

[MichelleDiane]

missellen, I understand completely.  I relapsed on Thursday and haven't fully gotten over the self-loathing yet, but I have faith that I will once I make the pledge and continue on my journey.  This community welcomed me back with no judgement.  Only support, encouragement, understanding, and the truth.  We can start this together.  Happy Sunday.

-Michelle

[Cricket]

I think the reason  I'm dreaming about smoking is both of my friends who quit with me have completely relapsed.  One is regrouping for another try while the other one seems like he doesn't care, Either way they are puffing away....I Will stay strong and this is my quit, and I won't let that little voice that says "It's ok, they will all forgive you if you just smoke a little".... NOPE!  I can't wait for my last smoking class on Tuesday night!  Subject:  Relapse prevention!!

[Giulia]

There are good blogs here in the https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/relapse-prevention?sr=search&searchId=cc139ecb-713f-433b-b...‌ group.

[elvan]

Cricket‌ It's really tough when smoking buddies relapse but you are absolutely right that this IS your quit and no matter what anyone else does or does not do, you have to take responsibility for your quit.  You OWN it.  I am really proud of you.  My oldest daughter quit when I did and then she went back to smoking.  It took her a while to get herself back on track but she DID and she has been smoke free for over two years.  Do read the recommended blogs that Giulia‌ directed you to.

Best to you,

Ellen

[Cricket]

Yikes again!! This is happening in real time!  The friend that doesn't seem to care came over to my house with his son to help us put up a tv attena.  I went outside, and they both are smoking!!  I didn't say anything, I just went back in quick before I smelled it!!  I told my hubby what was wrong and he said go out there and tell them not to smoke here.  I asked him to do it.  They are out there and I'm in here typing this.  Also, my feelings are even more hurt that friend Jay who was quit for 3 weeks and threw in the towel one week ago, would be so careless as to smoke at my house

[anaussiemom]

missellen    Dont quit quitting !!!! 




To be rid of the deadly trap for good!!

[elvan]

I am so sorry that your friend is not thinking about what he is doing.  I agree that your husband should ask them not to smoke there, it really is not fair.  In the future, keep some Vicks vaporub around and put a dab under your nose when you might smell smoke, it helps to mask the smell.  

I am really proud of you for coming here and typing while they are outside...GOOD FOR YOU.

Ellen

[Cricket]

No worries, just pouting a bit, but I'm Ok!!  Today I told 15 more people in my community that I quit!!  So many people know about my quit that i would be making excuses for a year in response to "I thought you quit smoking"!   I have truly made it to where if I did relapse, there would be no face left to save!  Only way out is forward!