Fell Off the Wagon

[missellen]

Ugh. Well, I did it, I smoked. I pretty much knew I was going to. I fought it for a few days, but not hard enough. I didn't come here much, I didn't talk to anyone IRL about it, I gave myself a few half-hearted "pep" talks and then went and bought a pack.  

I knew I was giving in to the addict part of me and I DIDN'T CARE  -- that's what's so disturbing about it.  WHY didn't I care?  Why didn't I care enough about myself and my quit to fight it?  To come here, where I know there is overwhelming support?  To talk to my husband or my mom who are huge supporters of me and my quit?  I'm not entirely sure. I wanted to smoke is ultimately the bottom line.  I wanted to smoke and I didn't want to smoke, but the wanting beat out the not wanting.

So, after nearly two weeks of being quit cold turkey, when the nicotine was presumably all flushed out of my system, I smoked to beat the band. I smoked until I felt sick (on purpose). I smoked and smoked and smoked all on the down low, I might add. Not in the house, not around anyone, but in my car in a parking lot while it was still dark out in the morning--like a fugitive; a criminal. Because that is how I felt.

After smoking like a chimney, I threw the remainder of the pack and the lighter away. I went to the car wash and cleaned the inside of the car--cleaned the windows, the dash, vacuumed it out and sprayed it with sandalwood spray.

I stopped in the store and restocked up on cinnamon gum and lemons.  The hubby was nice enough to buy me m&m's and good and plenty and a very sweet card telling me how proud he was of me (um, can you say guilt) yesterday. I'll have to fess up when he wakes up.

I came home and threw my clothes in the washer and took a shower.

And now, here I sit, with a nice, tall glass of ice cold lemon water and feeling like a jerk. But, I can't allow this to lead me into smoking full time again. I can't. I won't. My gym bag is already packed up for the morning and I'm busy for a lot of today, so that will help. I have to go reset my quit day now. I'm now just about an hour into my quit.

[missellen]

Thank you, Nancy.  You're exactly right--I DID talk myself into it.  How bizarre.  I really do think it was the reward factor.  I also just bookmarked the blog about planning your relapse--that is essentially what I did.  I bookmarked Skygirl's toolbox post, as well.  I'm ready.

[marciem]

Hi missellen... your story sounds so much like my earlier attempts at quitting... they were attempts, not "doing it".  And yes, I do believe relapse is planned, even if just minutes, it doesn't "just happen", we don't "slip" or "oops", we make a (bad) choice and we smoke.  Sincerely, I have been there and done that.

I hope you are working on finding what exactly went wrong after two weeks (were you worn out from the struggle?, or figure you were "cured" since you hadn't smoked for two weeks and the nicotine was out of your body...?  Complacent? so many possible stumbling blocks... and I've encountered them all!)

Most importantly, have you planned what you will do differently this time?  Don't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting or hoping for a different result.  Make a plan BEFORE that nagging nicotine comes calling, whatever is in your toolbox to do differently this time.  And yes, make it for two weeks.  Then two weeks one day.  Then two weeks two days... on step(day) at a time is the only way to travel this life and this quit.

I go by S.N.O.T.  ... "Smoking is Not an Option...Today"  ...  each and every day.  

You can do this!!

[karenjones]

missellen,   Welcome to the group.  I blew 5 years of quit.  Yeah, I thought I could smoke one cigarette, after all, I wasn't a 'real smoker' , I had quit for 5 years.  Ha Ha,  so begins the, for me, long struggle to quit, and something that I noticed is that in the beginning of my long struggle, I would have these little conversations with myself, like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder, and when these conversations occured the angel would win. When the devil won, there just was no conversation.  I would be at the store and say, 'and a pack of cigarettes', just like that, feeling guilty when I said it. So, I started smoking again in the summer of 2017, under terriffically stressful conditions. And sinc then I've spent close to 5,000 $ on cigarettes (they are expensive here) and I couldn'[t afford it.  In Oct I started trying to quit. I quit for 17 days in DEC/ Jan, 4 days in Feb. and now it is March. And I have quit for 2 days. And those days are precious to me. It takes time and don't be hard on yourself. You didn't talk yourself into smoking again, the addict inside you talked you into it. Now I don't even have those conversations with myself. Things will change for you, I am not saying it will become easier, but you will learn how to deal more effectively with the addict inside you.  You will.  Keep up the good work.  Don't be hard on yourself. Its a tough journey, but worth it. your life depends on it. Relapsus resergo.  When I fall I will rise.

[Kimshine]

Definitely get rid of those smokes you didn't discard! What are you keeping them for? In my opinion, it's just a guarantee that you can get your fix of nicotine when it feels tough. I feel like you either quit smoking or you don't. If you're still smoking when you quit, I've heard that you're doing it wrong. I believe that. That's from a trailblazer here. I'm going with it!

Why not start again today and wet down and toss the thing you are trying to heal yourself from?  Keep quitting! I don't feel "bent" about keeping track of my days quit, I think most of us keep track to feel proud of our progress and to have a reference point of success, at least that's why I like to keep track. I only feel "bent" when I have blown those days, not when I have succeeded them. 

Maybe some people don't care and I know that you said you were kidding but I really do care about the others quitting if that is how they chose to "be true to thine selves." I care about your quit also. It really only takes time to learn new techniques and behaviors in keeping yourself quit and free of nicotine. Actual ceasing smoking is a fast process that ends when you crush out that fire and don't reignite it! 

I'm here to cheer you on! I hope you will take your advice and KEEP QUITTING!

You're Worth It!

Kim

[DLHaffner]

Dear missellen‌ - thank you for coming right back and sharing your experience I imagine it was hard to get honest like that.  I pray you continue through today smoke free and just get back to basics....like you don’t have to stay smoke free the entire day you just have to take a shower then maybe you can smoke....then after the shower get dressed and then maybe you can smoke.....and then maybe just have breakfast and then maybe you can smoke....anyway I don’t know if it came out right but I just tell myself oh yeah you can smoke BUT let’s just do this first and then I put it off and off and off and literally yesterday I took a 3 hour nap because my that upgrade were especially racing yesterday.  Oh well I wasted a day but I got another smoke free day.  Man reading your relapse and another lady’s yesterday has my head a bit twisted today like oh you could just smoke one and then just reboot your quit date BUT I’m about 99.9%sure that’s not how it would work for me.   I would be shocked if I got to just hop back on the NOPE wagon.  I hope that you can and I’ll be sending you good vibes today....check in as much as you want....you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time. 

Danielle

[Barbscloud]

l'm so glad I just logged in.  I'm having the same feelings others are having.  Day 6 and around the same time yesterday, I'm was ready to go buy a pack of cigarettes. Not sure what the trigger is.  Think it's just the stress of life and I need something to deal with it.   I liked the concept of "talking yourself into it".   I thinks that's what I was just doing.  

Thankful I have folks to turn to when this happens.   

missellen, your honesty helps others!

[marciem]

I love your phrase "you can't save your face and your ass at the same time"!!  Perfect.  Personal accountability is completely integral to the success of quitting.  Honesty with yourself and by extension your support group takes away the cover-up and really helps with keeping that quit healthy.

You said it perfectly, as far as small goals... one minute, one hour, one day... eventually it becomes easier to say "one full day" but in the first week or so, two or three or five minutes was my max goal, seriously.  I did exactly what you did, napping, bargaining, etc., until I could take smoking completely off the table of options... for the next hour or the next day.    Now it just doesn't come up to the table at all, I don't have to "take it off" or "sweep it off the table". 

That's a beautiful feeling, when you can go thru stress, an argument, a traffic jam, a flat tire... and 3 hours later flash the thought "Hey, I didn't even think about smoking when that happened!!  YAY ME!".

It will happen for you, DL, as it will happen for all new quitters... as long as you do NOT smoke!!

[waltbenn1]

Thanks  Kim!

[marciem]

Barbs... when you feel that urge to go buy cigarettes, sit right now and come here and talk about it.  By the time you've finished typing, and gotten some responses, your urge will have gone as long as you don't feed it and romance the thought.  Your feelings are normal, caused by withdrawal from the physical nicotine and the behavioral habit that you are used to doing every 20 minutes or so.  There are no free passes because of stress, happiness, sadness, confusion, bad hair day or toenail fungus... every "cause" leads you right back to square one if you follow it.  And square one is day one and not being PAST five days quit, but wishing you were.

So come here and post instead, that's what support is about.

[Barbscloud]

Thanks marciem.  Just got back from long walk.  That helped.