Dealing with unsupportive people...

[vanessa11]

Many times in the past I have tried to quit smoking. I have a lot of support from many of the people around me, but there is one person who is very difficult to lend that support. She is my best friend, and has been smoking cigaretts longer than I have. I have told her many times my intentions to quit, and my reasons for it, but she is not very supportive. Whenver we get together, and I try to quit, it is very difficult to get her not to smoke in front of me, it becomes such an issue. When she does smoke near me, I start to get the temptations to smoke, when I really want to stay motivated. She will start to convince me that having one drag or one cigarette won't hurt me, so eventually I give in. I am really serious about quitting, and have slipped because her habits continue to rub off on me. She has no intentions of quitting, and I don't want to have to avoid her just because of her smoking. Can anybody out there give me some tips so I don't fall through the cracks when I'm with her?

[tomdavie]

Vanessa.

Tell this person that you are trying to quit smoking and its hard for you to watch her smoke in front of you. If she gives a ratts azz about your friendship, she will stop.

If she doesnt, I would strongly suggest you dump her to the sidewalk.

Ask yourself this.

If your friend quit smoking and they asked you to stop smoking around them, would you continue to keep puffing in their face?

There are exceptions of course. As an ex smoker, you can expect them to smoke in front of you in the coffee shop or bar. Its a situation you expect people to smoke and they cant change their whole lives to suit your quitting needs for the moment.

But in ordinary situations, your friend should have the courtesy to step outside or away from you to smoke.

[Dr_Hurt]

Dear Vanessa:
It is very unfortunate that your best friend is not supportive of your serious efforts to improve your health by stopping smoking. You might try reviewing the www.becomeanex.org site under ‘staying an ex > what to tell family and friends’. You might also address this question to the become an ex community or start a group for people with ‘unsupportive friends’. You may need to temporarily avoid being with your friend. I know this is hard but clearly being with your friend undermines your efforts to stop smoking. By doing that you can build on being smoke-free to the point that you are able to not give in when you are around her. It may take a few weeks or even a month or two but it is really important to buy yourself some smoke-free time.

[Abby3]

Hey there
I just wanted to chime in to share a similar experience that may be helpful-
One of my best friends and I do everything together and our husbands have become friends by default. So the 4 of us hang out regularly. Our main social events. And we smoke.
We all have smoked unabashedly through whatever event or gathering life has brought.
My friend is supportive of my quit; however, my friend's husband is what people would call a 'confirmed' smoker. He doesn't want to quit and he hates it when anyone else does. I've read that these types of smokers harbor fears that they will be the last smoker standing. Knowing this of him has made me very cautious in my current attempt.
And rightfully so….
The last two attempts I have made (one solid and one just getting started) ended with visits with them. I don't blame them. I just caved. The first one, I hadn't smoked in 14 months....the second, it had only been 2 weeks. But so now, I relate them with my recent failures. And unfortunately, as I've been telling myself, this is for me. I have to do this and it takes some selfishness to accomplish it. I decided that can’t worry about how they will adjust to this change in our friendship. I know it will be okay and I have faith in that. But I can’t try and make them feel better when I am going through something so difficult.
So we had some difficult conversations a couple weeks back when I first quit (I’m now on day 13). I shared with her my intent to take a break from all things smokey for the next good bit. I have reason for stipulating this plan and we talked about it. She felt like I was going to alienate them and it hurt her feelings. After a long chat we compromised and agreed to plan on movies and non-smoking restaurants/bars.
Today, we went blueberry picking. 🙂
They are our best friends and that isn't going to change. I will still enjoy our back porch talks because I enjoy them. Cigarettes don’t make visiting with them better. It’s the visits that are fun. I just need some time to adjust prior to that step forward into a new phase of relationship with them...and myself for that matter. I imagine you need this time too, so take it! No more late smokey nights riddled with wheezes and coughs!
It’s hard to think that the people we love can hurt or make our attempts more difficult, but it’s true. And recognizing this and planning for it will help you in your quit. Communicate what you need and accept that this next phase of your life is going to be a bit selfish until you get this all behind you. It’s okay, because it’s important.
I wish you the best!
a
Psst- I just now realized how old this post is!! But I spent so long thinking about this and typing this up, I'm gonna post it anyways in the hopes that it will be helpful to someone. 🙂

[jamie16]

It was. Good luck.

[Susan59]

The cool thing is that even when old posts get reponded to they go to the top of the list for everyone to read. Never hesitate reponding to a post becuase it is bound to help someone.

Peace Susan Day 174

[les]

I had to look at unsupportive people like my triggers of caffeine and wine. I had to abstain for a while from both of those triggers, until enough time passed and I was comfortable. I used to drink a lot of coffee; now I drink 1-1 1/2 cups instead of 3 or 4. I drink a couple glasses of wine instead of 3 or 4 over the course of an evening. I intentionally stay away from smokers. I know this is temporary, but I deserve to have every possible advantage during the first few weeks of my quit. I mean more to me than trying to placate a friend who can't be supportive. If a friend ever offered me a cigarette, knowing I quit, I don't know if I could consider them my friend anymore.

We compromise our values when we smoke. You have to decide what kind of person you want to be from here on out. You have to draw the line, and you have to decide to live according to your values and your truth. The TRUTH is you are making a lifestyle change that your friend is not. The TRUTH is you may no longer have as much in common as you used to. The TRUTH is you now think more of yourself than you used to. The TRUTH is when you think enough of yourself to quit smoking, you can't be bothered or distracted by what other's say and do. You have to focus on yourself and be selfish enough to put your needs first. That is part of the first step and will carry you through the difficult times.

I, for one, am probably spending way too much time online according to the "others", but being on this site has helped beyond what I expected, and it keeps me motivated. I don't care what other's think. I know my time online will normalize as time passes. It is what it is, and this is MY quit. OWN your quit. Stay away from those who don't support it.

[jo-el]

i have a friend who continues to smoke around me and they know that i don't smoke anymore. i learned that the best way to get the message across is to limit how much time i can be around them or find something else to do while they smoke so im not tempted to smoke with them. i think its worked out pretty well, im not trying to get them to stop smoking since i know they can stop when ever they want but i need them to know that im not falling back to smoking just because they don't want to quit yet.

[karen83]

I'm new here, but I'm just going to jump right in. The evening I brought home my Chantix prescription, my husband asked if I wanted to to to a hypnosis with him and his two boys. I told him that I would rather not waste my evening watching people quack like a duck and behave like the president. He said he didn't blame me. Well he came home later that evening and said he hadn't smoked since he left. I asked him why and he said it was a quit smoking hypnosis. The next day or two he spent making comments about my nasty cigarettes. He knew what the evening was about and since I showed him my prescription 3 minutes before, he knew I was going to make an attempt to stop. I got really upset. I upped my smoking to the point I thought I was going to pass out. I made every effort to blow smoke in his face. When he announced that it was 48 hours, I responded with "Big deal." I know I was acting like an immature jerk, but I felt SO hurt that he couldn't even tell me what the whole thing was about. I told him last night that I made the mistake of not eating before the Chantix and thought I was going to get sick all over the place. He recommended that I stop the meds right away since I was not going to be able to stop anyway (he said this to me not knowing that I hadn't smoked in 24 hrs at that point). He still doesn't know. When he does find out he will be a bit ticked off that I told everybody but him, but I just can't stop feeling hurt. I know that by keeping this attitude, I am sabotaging my efforts and any advise on this would really help.

Karen

[Abby3]

Hey there
Man, that sounds like a really crappy way to start off your quit to say the least. This is my immediate response - I really think there is something to the hypnosis and what I'm wondering is if the hypnotist seeded your husband's brain with some kind of aversion or negative reaction to current smokers as a defense mechanism?? Is he usually that contrary and unsupportive? If not, then it may be that he needs another trip to the hypnotist to undo this crappy defense to get him to snap out of it.
In the interim, we are all here to support you! There is an incredible community here and tons and tons of advice. Quitting is difficult and without your immediate loved ones there to support you will make it a bumpy road. Hopefully you two will be able to pair up and battle this together rather than separately. But either way, believe me, you CAN do this! Making the decision to quit and wanting to quit are the biggest steps to take! Now all you have to do is NOT smoke!!
Best wishes to you!
a

[allison12]

It sounds like you have a little competition going on. He probably decided that since you were quitting, he would quit first and he did...nah, nah a nu, nu! And it sounds like he has been taunting you ever since. The only way to deal with someone who is baiting you like this, is to be congratulatory. Tell him how wonderful you think he is doing and try to sound as sincere as you can. Tell him as often as you can.

Remind yourself that he is being childish and the way he is dealing with his fears of failing is by making sure you do. It is just a defense mechanism, try not take it personally. And try not to dwell on it because it will build a brain tunnel and you will never let it go.