So tonight, I was sooo tired and laying in bed trying to sleep... started feeling really upset... I took the max dose of my anxiety medicine... decided to put on some calming music and meditate... well it just got worse... picked up the phone and started texting a friend to get support... he said a couple nice things but then wanted to sleep, so I let him. Getting more and more upset... tossing and turning... after another hour or so, started thinking I have to stop this somehow.... quickly started getting the urge to get up and cut myself... waited it out a little longer... finally decided well, if I cut myself my therapists and doctors and friends will think I've regressed... at least with smoking I can blame it on the addiction... got out of bed, got dressed and ran out and bought cigs. I didn',t even last 12 hours this time.
I still feel like hell... but I'm not crying... now it's just the feeling of, I am so weak....
My dbt classes start next week... they will teach me, hopefully, ways of dealing with the emotions. Problem is, it's a six month course... so it will be six months before i have a full arsenal against my evil brain... I don't want to smoke for six more months... I don't want to smoke at all...
But i'd rather smoke than end up in the hospital on a suicide watch again....
the real kicker is, I have no idea what i was even upset about. I didn't forget, I just was never able to identify the trigger.
Right now, I don't like myself. I don't like that I have this freak emotional regulation problem and that it's got so much control over me. I don't like that right now, the only moderately effective weapon I have against it is a habit that's going to kill me. I love myself though, I really do... I really want to be healthy, in so many ways...
I guess it's just going to take a lot more time than I hoped for...
