So, it's 9:30 pm. Tomorrow's my quit day. I've smoked off and on since I was 20. I turn 34 on Saturday. I'm a closet smoker- no one knows I still smoke except my husband. Our 2 sons have never even seen me with a cigarette. I've probably quit at least 15 times- some times for very long periods. I've used the patch, gum, and Chantix (dreams and happy feelings were great but getting off it was awful) in the past- but eventually always ended up having just one. This time I'm just quitting cold turkey. The other stuff still gave me the drug I needed.
I don't smoke a lot- no more than 6 a day (usually 4 or 5). But because I don't smoke a lot, I enjoy every cigarette I have. They are my anti-anxiety drug. I'm going to have to find something else to bring me to my "calm place". So far, I haven't been able to find that thing.
My husband is quitting with me- he's been a smoker for 20 years. We've tried to quit a couple of times, but always one of us breaks down and buys a pack. I can't do this without him... the good thing is he's more determined than I've ever seen him. Neither of us can break this time.
The thing I hate the most about being a nicotine addict (other than the obvious health reasons) is having to find a place to smoke where no one sees me. I have a lot of nieces and nephews and I'm a high school teacher; I don't want children seeing I smoke. I don't believe it's a good habit- nothing about it is good- and I don't want any little person or teenager to look at me and think for one second that smoking isn't that bad because they see me do it. When a craving overtakes me- I become debilated. I become irritable and not myself. I'm tired of smoking having such a hold on my emotions and state of being. Smoking really is my ball and chain. I love it and hate it. But I've never hated it enough.
Tomorrow's the day. I want it to be my last "try". I'm doing it. I'm quitting.
