Thought I was ready.

[lindsey_vanrem]

I fell off the wagon before the day even began. I turned off my 5:34 am alarm and returned to the couch. I woke at 7 to my daughter coming out of her room, I grabbed my glasses off the table and didn't even see the Bible that I had set out next to them last night. I made her a quick breakfast, made coffee, and chain smoked the morning away. 

I just ugly cried in the bathroom. Not because I messed up already, but because the shared pack is in his pocket and I'm too proud to ask him for one. I managed to stand with him while he smoked, I felt so choked up I could barely speak. He didn't offer one, I didn't ask. 

He only said "what'r you doin?" this morning when he saw I was smoking, and I didn't really have anything to say, so we didn't talk about it. 

How many times can I say I'm ready? How many times can I say I want this and then stop the pursuit as soon as action is required? How can I say that I want my life to change when I'm unable to move? 

[lindsey_vanrem]

I didn't use my tools. I used none of the things I set up for myself. That was a good practice shot. I'm writing these blogs for me, not all of them will be seeking a response. 

Does anyone have techniques for getting past that paralyzed feeling?

[Brianairb2]

You wrote a beautiful, heartbreaking blog here.  I remember that feeling of helplessness, waking up each day telling myself that I was not going to smoke anymore, only to allow myself to succumb to that reflexive behavior.  It's so demoralizing, and becomes a paralyzing cycle of failure.

I'm gratefully only at 142 days of freedom, but I can tell you that this is a lifestyle shift.  You will need to make some changes in your routine.  It certainly won't empower you to stand with your husband and watch him smoke.  Go for a walk and think about all the great changes you have ahead of you as a non-smoker.  What changes do you want to see?  There's a lot of possibility when you no longer smoke.  Experiment in the kitchen, take up a hobby.  

It will help to accept that you will feel awkward in the beginning, and will probably have some days where you just feel foggy and unaligned with reality.  I promise, it will pass.  Use each smoke-free day to build your confidence to get to the next.  Drink a lot of water, and allow yourself to take a nap.  Your body wants to heal, so give it the simple resources to do so.

I really hope that you're able to break through the surface and immerse yourself in freedom from cigarettes.  Life will be better, even on the stressful days.  

~Brian 142 DOF

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Quitting smoking is not easy.  I believe it was one of the hardest things I attempted to do.  I failed before because I never educated myself about nicotine addiction.  I never made the commitment that no matter what happened I would not use it for an EXcuse to smoke.  Here I learned I had to be willing to let it go.  I had to relearn my thinking.  I had to stop believing that I needed or had to have a cigarette.  I had to learn to talk myself out of smoking, much more than talking myself into it.  This is not a easy journey.  It does not have an end but you do have to start with the pain of letting go.  You will not die, I have never heard of anyone dieing from quitting smoking. Believe in yourself, take it one day at a time.  No matter what do not give up.  You can do this because quitting is doable.  Stay close.  Study read blog.  This is a great place for support.   Write a goodbye letter /blogs/SkyGirl-blog/2017/08/05/just-found-an-old-letter-i-wrote-to-cigarettes 

[elvan]

lindsey_vanrem  You CAN do this...many of us had multiple failed quits, I lost track of mine but this time has been different because of the education, my commitment to not smoking, and the support from this site.  Smoking CANNOT be an option...if you share cigarettes...make sure the shared pack is not available to you in the morning, PLAN for the next time and plan better.  Don't beat yourself up for this, it doesn't do any good, if anything, it feeds into the addiction.  Try to figure out WHY you smoke and then be honest with yourself about what smoking really does for you.  Remember that no crave ever killed anyone and no one can say that about cigarettes.  Don't stand and watch someone smoke, you are NOT ready for that, you might not be ready for that for a while.  Please know that we all want you to succeed and we will do anything we can to help.  Is there any chance you can get on the site first thing in the morning?  DO pay attention to Brianairb2  and JACKIE1-25-15‌ they are offering you some great advice.  Keep saying Not One Puff Ever...NOPE!

Ellen

[maryfreecig]

     Because this is an addiction, quitting means getting prepared. A quit date is not enough. Tools, including nicotine replacement therapy, if chosen, must be to your liking or acceptable to you. Because nicotine is a reward based drug, preparing for this aspect of craving once a quit starts is so important. Don't forget to add rewards to your tool box. 

    I suggest that you go back to pre-quit planning, also, save every spent butt in a clear glass jar and do not hide it away. For every butt that you smoke add .25 to a count list, keep counting. 

    Do you want to keep smoking for the rest of your life because it is easier to not face the discomfort of the beginning of your quit, or do you want to face the discomfort and relearn life without the dependency?

    If you want to face the discomfort, Ex is a great place to get the support you need. One day at a time, you can recover.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

/blogs/jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007-blog/2011/06/26/what-to-expect-in-the-first-four-months 

[bonniebee]

I just messaged you but now I see what happened you must get rid of your sickerettes Before you quit ! i admit i kept a few but threw them far up and in the back of my closet and i don't recommend doing that even though it worked for me they are gone now i gave them to my room mate when she ran out of cigs ! You can't have them in your line of vision on your first day ! i always had the worse time iare n the morning so i made my quit time 11:00 am and it worked good for me . have you quit since or set a new quit date ? Are you using the patch or any other NRT to help you ? i used the patch and the lozenges as a back up it worked great for me especially with all the support from Ex which has become almost a second family to me ! God bless you and never give up trying you will get there You need to make a commitment anf know you will be out of your comfort zone for awhile but it is so worth it to be free !

[joyeuxencore]

Lindsey_VanRemington Blog      Don't beat yourself up too much Actually it is great that you have remorse and are so fed up. It's normal. Keep blogging & hang in there. You can do it and you will.

"A ‘lapse’ is when a person has one or a few cigarettes while trying to stop. It is best to not have even a single puff while trying to stop, A lapse does not have to become a full relapse, or a return to regular smoking.

After a lapse, the best thing to do is try to quit again right away. The longer you wait, the harder it will become. Try this plan if you should happen to lapse:

1. STOP tobacco use immediately.

Throw away all tobacco products.

Call someone to help you get back on track.

Change your surroundings.

Go for a brisk walk.

Think of all the reasons why you quit.

Imagine yourself handling this moment without resorting to using tobacco.

2. THINK

What happened that led up to the lapse?

What was going on? Who were you with? Where were you?

What were you doing? Feeling? Thinking?

3. RECOGNIZE the problem.

Ask yourself how it felt to use tobacco again.

Was it what you thought it would be? Did it help?

Did it make you feel better or worse? Did it make the problem go away?

Did you try any other ways to cope?

4. DECIDE

How will you handle the situation next time?

5. DON’T FEEL GUILTY. YOU ARE DEALING WITH AN ADDICTION."

From an online quit coach:

When you were stressed out , what did you do? You smoked. What can you think of that could act as a substitute to cigarettes when you are stressed? Perhaps your support system might come in handy here, and some of your more fearless friends would be willing for you to call them when you’re feeling particularly emotional. What else? Perhaps a mantra you can say that will help you calm down and defuse the situation. A warm bath. A walk around the block. A run around the block. Dancing to the loudest music you can stand.

The point about all this is that it’s okay to feel emotions. Emotions are a natural part of living. They inform us about how we feel about all kinds of situations. If you feel fear, then you know that you may be in danger. If you feel joy, then you can open up and be expansive, you can share the best parts of yourself. Sadness, jealousy, anger, resentment, all these emotions are normal behaviors. They inform us of a range of experiences we are having. If we feel jealous, what does that mean? It may mean that we really love the person we’re jealous about, and so we learn how strongly we feel about them. If we feel resentment it may mean that we need to stand up for ourselves even if we’re afraid, because we don’t feel good in all this resentment.

When you smoked, you basically blocked yourself from having a natural, normal experience of living. If you’ve been smoking for a long time, you may have to relearn how to live with your emotions, and that may take time.

I guess I’d better tell you the Big Secret now, huh? Quitting Smoking is about more than just cigarettes. It’s about reclaiming your life. It’s about becoming a fully functioning human being again. And having your emotions—the whole range of them—is part of being human.

Hey you wonderful human, you can do this.