Sneaky and I'm Angry

[cindywilson]

Ok, I have thought about this since two am. Last night here in cheery NC, it stormed like I do not know what. This was a window rattler, lightening, thunder, strong winds, nasty. about two am it woke me up, many of you know I am sick right now and my breathing was bad last night when I went to bed, so all that noisy weather definitely got me up. I noticed my guy was not in bed, so I thought well the storm must have gotten him up too. I got up and walked into the living room , but he was not there, the door was open and I was thinking what is he doing? Must be watching the storm, I walked to the door and he was standing there smoking. I know that we are supposed to be understanding of how this could happen, but honestly I went off. One he tried to lie, what he accidently bumped into the cigarette? Two,he walked into the rain and storm to bum a cigarette from our neighbor. Three, the othe day, I thought he smelled like smoke and he said he had given a ride to a guy who was smoking. Four, he has repeatedly told me how easy this has been for him, LIAR. I asked him if it was so easy, why was he standing there, lying and sneaking a smoke? Five, this is his life we are talking about, the heart attack was caused by smoking. Six, repeatedly, I have tried to help, talk to him about how he was feeling, ask did he need help? all I ever heard was I got this. It is easy and I am sitting there thinking what is wrong with me? It isn't easy for me, not at all..Seven, I hate t when someone is sneaky and lying. I was so angry, I started saying all the things that are on this site, about a million will never be enough, about being an addict, about honesty, about asking for help, I was furious. He still kept trying to act as if this was not a big deal, but it is. I will never trust that he is not smoking again. I noticed he went and washed his face, brushed his teeth, popped fresh gum in his mouth, like he had some practice at this. I realized this morning, this is his choice, but I do expect honesty. I told him he could do what ever he wanted he was grown, but he was risking his life and since it was so easy......Argh.......I am so angry, I feel betrayed like he cheated on me. I realize that is probably pretty rough, but if he lied about this, what else has he lied about?

[gmvirtual_gina]

Cindy!!! UGH! I always just view the blogs on the main page and this one got pushed with the other mornings blogs....holy crap !! well I could use some other words....but for now Crap just has to cover it all! uuurrrg! that would enfuriate me to no end.......and it sucks cuz you can't really do anything about it.....and yes you can't trust him and yes it feels like he cheated - because he did. He basically spat your strength and courage and fight to quit smoking back at you.....and said screw you .....he can't do it, so he'll sneak it. Unfortunately I'm sure he didn't purposely do any of this to hurt YOU. he likely just is like every other failed smoker....can't wont, not educated as to how, who knows. snaeking feels like he cheated and you're not wrong. But he was trying in his own way to hide it from you in his pathetic attempt to save you from knowing....at least that is how his mind dealt with it.....but I won't play the flip side....what he did was wrong and it sucks and I'm sorry!!! UGh! so sorry!

[ctm]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this kind of garbage Cindy 😞

[JonesCarpeDiem]

This addiction is difficult to break.
I wouldn't read anything else into it unless something is obvious.

[gianna]

I would feel the same way if my husband did that to me. I have told him it would be comparable in my head to cheating, funny you said that. I guess I am not so crazy!!!!! At least you are strong not to fall in with him, all you can do is give advice, and give support.(and be pissed if you want to at least for a couple of days)lol

[cindywilson]

thanks you two, I am po'd, especially because he made me feel like he was having such an easy time and he couldn't see why I wasn't. He tried to make me smile, that sure wasn't happening...I realize that to equate the two makes no sense, but lying, not good.....

[sherry3]

hmmm, yes makes you wonder if he has been doing this the whole time and if not, then what triggered him to do it? also makes you wonder why one would have to lie to there partner about it. it is a difficult addiction to break but he could have and should have been honest to you about it.

[amy20]

Not that it will make you feel any better Cindy, but we all have to quit when we are ready. We have to do it for us alone. Maybe he wasn't ready??? Some people never are...I have seen people go off their oxygen tank to smoke a cig! My Brother-in-law has had bad lungs for years/heart attacks and he still smokes??? Focus on being proud of yourself for your accomplishment...being angry at him won't do either of you any good! In a calm manner let him know your feelings and try to leave it at that. God be with you my friend!

[kellie3]

Cindy,
You have every right to be hurt and pissed and even untrusting. I am VERY proud of you that you stuck to your quit! WTG and Congrats girl, I know that couldn't have been easy.
As for your husband.... Well quiting is up to him. And, I don't know anything about anything... except I am understanding about addiction a little bit. I know how sneaky that cigs can make a person. I don't know if it's wise to compare sneaking cigs to cheating on you with a person.
I can remember when I was still smoking my husband (for the most part a non smoker, and a very judemental person) would buy cigs for me, in the mean time I would also buy them and hide mine so he wouldn't know how much I was smoking.
I just know addiction makes sane people crazy.
He will have to quit when he's ready... you can't do it for him.
But PLEASE.... stick to your guns and Stick To Your Quit! You're doing so well. I know each day has it's struggles and you'll get through them.
Sorry you had a crappy night. Sending Hugs your way. ((( )))

[sandi8]

Well Cindy i wouldn't say he was cheating on you but i can understand your point with him lying to ya. I have to say i did that way when i was trying to quit for my family. before this quit. i would sneak in the basement with airfreshner saying i am doing laundry, well that quit for me lasted they think 3 weeks when in fact i made only 1 and half days. H e will quit when he is ready you just keep your quit going. I have been great in mine because it is for me not anyone else.

[Leenie]

You know, lying and cheating are two things that I just can't handle. So I would've been ranting in the rain with you on that, Cindy. Addiction can make people do stupid things, though. But why he'd need to appear to be so much more in control when you are struggling is a puzzle. That would bother me too. But you are doing great and are doing exactly what you need to do. I'm sorry that being sick and working so hard to stay quit and exercising to become healthier are all being made so much harder by having to cope with this issue. But you probably just need to focus on your own recovery and quit. And throw a lot of pillows. And hope he starts taking care of his own health.

Leenie

[teresa]

i know how you feel, me and my hubby quit at the same time, aucutauly he made life with cigs so miserable that at first i quit to make him shut up (realy i was looking for a good reason to quit and wanted some one to blame it on if it didnt work), only to find out that he had smoked here and there on the side when he was realy "stressed" over somthing at work, you know what my thought was when he told me after i pointedly asked "have you had a cig since we quit?" my thought was where the hells mine and thats not fair!!!! this is my addiction talking, i know that. but i also had to learn how to let go of him, and what he does, and had to decide that if it ment me starting smoking again if he smoked i would have to send him away untill i got a grip on my own addiction, its not that i dont love him, but i realise i have to love me more. ive had a few years dealing with addiction even before i quit smoking (my names teresa, i am an i.v. meth addict) and have had six years dealing with that addiction, using support groups both on line and in my every day life. its not easy, quiting smoking was almost as hard as quitting meth, and thats freaking HARD. but i know that i can do it and that i can set an example for him as i do this myself.... you know what, after i let go and quit worrying about what he was doing, why he was doing it, and why cant i do it to, my nonsmoking got alot easier.

[Denise28]

Cindy, instead of telling him that just one is too many, we know that, he knows that, why don't you try explaining that in order to become a non-smoker he has to break the associations he has with it and the only way to really break the associations (make us not think about it/crave it/want it/need it/have an urge), we have to not smoke. Simply telling him never take another puff is obviously not going to work right now, he is probably stubborn. Please try my approach. Please go and reread my last blog. Come on, how many times have I made that mistake? Maybe you can prevent him from making it too.

[cindywilson]

I tried that Denise, really but the problem is he feels that he needs no help and that it is easy, I believe were his exact words. It is his life and his heart, so he will have to find his own way, he had made me feel like it was nothing and I should be able to just go on. Who needed support groups or help, he laughed about it. I will protect my quit and from now on he will worry about his own...

[carlie]

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I'm getting close to replying !!)

[cindywilson]

Carlie I could see that lovely twit on the e-cig was getting to you, she is a boob, who cares? (((HUGS)))

[Doris]

Cindy,you are doing good you are still holding on to your quit,with all the problem you have going on.do not let this get you down ,hold on to your quit,and i hope you feel better,you are in my prayers.

[hwc]

Cindy:

You can't quit for him. He's embarrassed. Image the nicotine withdrawal hell he's going through counting the seconds - tick....tock....tick.....tock....- until you go to bed so he can sneak out for his drugs. I'm a tough old curmudgeon, but I feel for these nicotine addicts. It's such a trap and they have no idea that the only way to escape is to stop fighting it.

I think the best approach is to try to pump him up a little. You know it's hard, but he can do it. Yadda yadda. I don't know of any other approach that will have even the slightest chance of working.

Maybe print out that short cartoon version of the Allen Carr book at my page of links and see if you can get him to wrap his mind around the possibility that he can quit.

[barbara42]

he is indeed embarresed, my husband still smokes, has not tried to quit, because he knows how hard it is to do and when he does do it, i have no doubt that he will do it because the alternative would make me the stronger one, and he could not abide that. you and i know, that i am already the stronger one, i quit with a smoker here, when he does, he will not have to fight that particular fight lol. you are the stronger one and he is having a hard time with that PEACE!

[cindywilson]

thanks to all, I tried to talk to him and he asked me to let it go, that he was fine and he would not smoke again, but I think he will, Lord he is stubborn, argh...

[cindywilson]

Barbara I think that is what it is for him too, he can't abide the thought that I am stronger, I went on with my quit when he threatened to leave, when he kept right on smoking and he can't stand the idea...

[barbara42]

you got it girl, in this case as with me I AM WOMAN, HERE ME ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PEACE!

[sandra5]

Hi Hon, One boundary and one boundary only - he doesn't smoke in the house. Other than that I would do a complete about turn and ignore HIS issue entirely. Since "he's got it covered" let him cover it!! Protect your own quit and go about your business -- stay off the subject!! It will be way more powerful than anything you could SAY. I know it hurts and I'm sorry but the less you DO the more he is forced to own his issues. It only took me 50 years to learn this!!! Hugs, Sandra

[cindywilson]

thanks Sandra, he does not smoke in the house and I am barely speaking to him at all. The only suggestion I made today was that if he wanted to keep his quit and needed help talk to his doctor and maybe he could try Chantix; I told him that was the last he would hear about or about walking or eating right either, but he will eat baked, broiled, grilled chicken and fish and salad for a long time:)

[cindywilson]

That is so right Barbara!!

[terry-morache]

Cindy, I know it is hard when you feel betrayed. It does make it harder when you are trying to quit to have someone who does not understand that what they do affects us. Addiction does this to a person it controls a person so that they can not focus on anything but their need to fullfil their need for their next fix and they will lie to avoid confrontation about their failure. He did not intentionally decide to hurt you, he probably hid out of shame most likely that he has not been as strong as you. Lying is wrong no matter what but you can't quit for him he has to do it all on his own he has to find his own motivation much like you have found your motivation. He needs to find the way to quit that will work for him. Maybe he needs medication to help him. The important thing is that you stay quit no matter what he does.

[kim18]

I think I can agree with everyone else...the main focus needs to be YOUR progress as much as you want to help other people you care about. I know now that I have quit I'll want to see everyone else succeed but I am choosing to be selfish in the moment and heal myself.

But UGGGH how I loathe deception. I am sure he was not proud of the moment and didn't want to disappoint but people overlook the fact that we'd honestly rather have the respect of the truth than to be lied to!

[nory]

i am so sorry cindy, noone deserves that, expecially you, you are way to sweet, u just keep up the good work.

[cindywilson]

thanks hon

[claudia2]

Cindy, Just seeing this and you know my typing is limited....but HERE I GO.................1) I am seeing red...with stars around the red.......2) isn't this the man that you were going to have to move out at the end of the month before 3).....HE HAD A HEART ATTACK.....4) YOU. were by his bedside 24/75) I can't type anymore but know that I love you girl...and I can take anything but a lie..........sorry.

[pat-f]

I'm late to the discussion but ....here's my 2 pennies
You can never change anyone but yourself, so his smoking is his to handle as he said.
Make sure his life insurance is paid up.
Cook healthy, if he doesn't eat right that's his to handle too. Make sure he knows that if he has another heart attack it will be his to handle as well.
You did your time at the bedside with the last attack. I may sound harsh but I've kind of been there.
Concentrate on you staying healthy.

[cindywilson]

that Pat is exactly what I did:)