Hey all. I have been trying to quit for several years now. I'm 38 and smoked daily since I was 25.
Stressors: I'm single, have 2 potty training and demanding twins (too young for preschool/I haven't smoked around them but my clothes smell ☹😓) to care for, just got my own apartment after 8 years of homelessness, have no car or washer/dryer (2 major expenses), no family locally/within driving distance (babysitting expenses @$18-20/hour. No friends/pets/kind of prefer my space but feeling lonely. I'm a bit of a neat freak. Income is just really low. Disabled but want to try VR (voc rehab).
I was rolling my own cigarettes to save money, so I could basically smoke as much tobacco as I wanted for about $50/month (something I wasn't proud of but felt grateful for.)
Yesterday I went to the dentist and found out I have advanced periodontal disease, need 3 root canals (2 covered by insurance) and specialty care which is not covered by insurance (in the $1800+++ range). Dentist prescribed a bunch of antibiotics and we'll start deep cleaning appts/monitor/try to improve my health, but he said I have to quit smoking or I will have more bone loss/lose teeth (I have already lost 3).
At this point, I feel like....omg just kill me. I am so miserable at the thought of contining to stuggle alone when I honestly feel that I won't be able to improvemy quality of life anyway due to debt (old student loans, child support arrears for previous kids that are now grown, etc.) I didn't smoke at all until after I got divorced...I think it was my way of giving up on optimism because it was just a lot of lies and...IDK...racism and such. As though I was punished for doing well (having a job/car/nice apartment/benefits) and all of a sudden 70% of EVERYTHING was gone or for the ex and I couldn't afford to take care of myself and didn't qualify for help because my gross income was too high.
I linger in the past at times, even with meds and counseling...I guess because I'm afraid the world can't be trusted and that only recently has my life improved to the point where I feel like I can survive with some level or privacy and comfort. That's worth a lot, but I wanted to surpass and exceed my own expectations...not just sort of plot and pace at a sustainable level for the rest of my life until I'm in my senior years and then, later, approaching death with a bunch of personal shortcomings and shrugs as if to say "at least I lived." Always seeking a better quality of life!
So anyhow, that's me in a nutshell. Starting the quit today in a very unbalanced feeling in hopes of improving what's left to resolve, and whats left to start.
Sincerely!
M