Oh no I'm going to be MISERABLE

[MLuck]

Hey all. I have been trying to quit for several years now. I'm 38 and smoked daily since I was 25. 

Stressors: I'm single, have 2 potty training and demanding twins (too young for preschool/I haven't smoked around them but my clothes smell ☹😓) to care for, just got my own apartment after 8 years of homelessness, have no car or washer/dryer (2 major expenses), no family locally/within driving distance (babysitting expenses @$18-20/hour. No friends/pets/kind of prefer my space but feeling lonely. I'm a bit of a neat freak. Income is just really low. Disabled but want to try VR (voc rehab).

I was rolling my own cigarettes to save money, so I could basically smoke as much tobacco as I wanted for about $50/month (something I wasn't proud of but felt grateful for.)

Yesterday I went to the dentist and found out I have advanced periodontal disease, need 3 root canals (2 covered by insurance) and specialty care which is not covered by insurance (in the $1800+++ range). Dentist prescribed a bunch of antibiotics and we'll start deep cleaning appts/monitor/try to improve my health, but he said I have to quit smoking or I will have more bone loss/lose teeth (I have already lost 3). 

At this point, I feel like....omg just kill me. I am so miserable at the thought of contining to stuggle alone when I honestly feel that I won't be able to improvemy quality of life anyway due to debt (old student loans, child support arrears for previous kids that are now grown, etc.) I didn't smoke at all until after I got divorced...I think it was my way of giving up on optimism because it was just a lot of lies and...IDK...racism and such. As though I was punished for doing well (having a job/car/nice apartment/benefits) and all of a sudden 70% of EVERYTHING was gone or for the ex and I couldn't afford to take care of myself and didn't qualify for help because my gross income was too high. 

I linger in the past at times, even with meds and counseling...I guess because I'm afraid the world can't be trusted and that only recently has my life improved to the point where I feel like I can survive with some level or privacy and comfort. That's worth a lot, but I wanted to surpass and exceed my own expectations...not just sort of plot and pace at a sustainable level for the rest of my life until I'm in my senior years and then, later, approaching death with a bunch of personal shortcomings and shrugs as if to say "at least I lived." Always seeking a better quality of life! 

So anyhow, that's me in a nutshell. Starting the quit today in a very unbalanced feeling in hopes of improving what's left to resolve, and whats left to start.

Sincerely!

M

[MarilynH]

Welcome to the community you've made the best decision that you'll ever make in your lifetime and it's definetly the best gift that any of us will ever give ourselves which is the GIFT OF LIFE, I'm so sorry about your teeth and gums so many here have had the same issues with their gums because of smoking ugh damned Cancer Sticks! Please read everything you can because there's a wealth of information right here on this site to strengthen your resolve to kick the next person to the curb permanently it's not easy by any stretch of the imagination BUT with commitment and perseverance you will succeed in living a life of Freedom I'm not very tech savvy so I'm going to do a mention @YoungAtHeart, she does a welcome with several links that you can read @MLuck ,stay close and reach out whenever you need to or just want to vent we're all here to help you in any way we can you can do this quit believe it deep breaths and turn your DAY ONE INTO DAY WON with many more to come.....

[YoungAtHeart]

Welcome!

This is not going to be easy, given the limitations imposed in your life right now - but it IS doable.  Doing the reading I will recommend and preparing and planning for your quit will increase your chance of success.  When you do the reading, you will learn that a good amount of the stress in your daily life is CAUSED by the last cigarette you smoked!  After you have done some work, you will need to commit to not smoking another cigarette NO MATTER WHAT.  You can gather support and encouragement from the folks here....it's what we do!  Be sure to throw out all paper and tobacco when you quit.  Keeping any around is just giving yourself permission to fail.

The important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.”    You can search for it online or at your local library.  Here is a video to inform you further about nicotine addiction:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be

From my own experience and that of others here, if you decide to use a quit aid, I recommend those that don't let the addict control the dose such as Rx drugs and the patch.  You can get a free starter pack of patches from your local health department or 1-800-Quit-Now.

It will be informative if you do the tracking and separation exercises recommended here on the site. As you track each cigarette smoked, note its importance, and what you might do instead. Put each one off just a little to prove that you don't NEED a cigarette just because you think you do.
 

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit.  If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try doing a bit of stretching or a chair yoga from YouTube,   then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! . Then take those twins on a walk!
 
You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Keep a cold bottle of water with you. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. You might visit “Games."   The active ones are at the top of the list going down the left side of the page. 

Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...

The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

 Nancy

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You have a lot of burdens and challenges to overcome.

Here's a post about the most crucial time to get through.

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/t5/Journals-Blogs/What-To-Expect-In-The-First-Four-Months/ba-p/99...

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I believe that you are a witness to the fact that life is rough.  However you can also witness that you can make it if you do not give up. This may sound cliche but anything worth having does not always come easy.  Quiting smoking is a life changer for the better.  You just have to do it in order to be a withness to that side of the road.  Follow the information that was given and you will be off to  good start.  It does require reading and coming here as often as possible.  We will be your anchor as you travel this road to freedom.  Wish you much success in all of your endeavors. Remember One day at a time.  If necessary. one moment.  Practice this Breathing Exercise  when things become overwhelming.  You can do this. Believe that you can and you are half way there. Stay on the road to freedom. Education is the key to all success in life and in quitting smoking.  Pursue your dreams NMW no matter what, when where why how or who. NOPE, not one puff ever>

Another good read. https://whyquit.com/ffn/index.html The journey Home, Freedom from Nicotine 

[maryfreecig]

I had a lot on my mind and in my heart when I quit. I was bogged down and wondered, at the age of 54, why bother? Will I just be complying and for what? It seemed as if my burden would be "acting as if" but never feeling joy about letting go of this awful addiction.

Over 7.5 years ago. All my angst, all down heartedness were false--but it is not a choice between Polyanna or misery--I've found that the addiction made it so much easier to count my wounds and retell them. Somehow I took actions each day to stay smober. I was not heroic, like I said--I had trouble (so many do). But quitting gave me a chance to take responsibility for my feelings,  my attitude, my emotions, my thinking--one day at a time.

At first I had to comply with my decision to quit...it wasn't pretty. It took time to recover.

Something good inside of you is waiting to reclaim your life. After all you've been through and that you are here at Ex --choosing help says so much about you. Keep sharing and thanks for telling your story.

Yes you can, one day at a time.

[Barbscloud]

@MLuck  Welcome to the Ex and thanks for sharing your story.  You certainly have a lot do deal with in you life.  Every though quitting smoking may not seem like the most important thing  to address right now, it is one of the challenges you can control.  Success in one area of your life, will build your confidence and spill over into other areas.

Quitting isn't easy, but you can do it.   Educate yourself and create a plan.  We're here to support you on this journey.  

Barb

[Bonnie]

Hello and welcome to EX.  I appreciate your honesty and openness.  It sounds to me that you are starting to get your life back together with a new home and taking care of your teeth.  Both of those are huge improvements.  The dentist is right--my closest friend had to finally have what teeth she had left pulled because her mouth was such a mess.  She's a heavy smoker and never tried to quit.

You've come to a great place for support.  I've got over 3 years quit and it's partly due to the wonderful people on this site who helped get me through some rough patches.  Just coming here and writing down how I felt at the time helped.  I relapsed so many times because when something negative happened in my life I would go get smokes (which I really couldn't afford) and then sit and smoke and ruminate about the past, like you, and never get out of that emotional hole I kept falling in by going back to nicotine.  Slowly, by never wanting to go back to a Day 1, I learned how to deal with my emotions in other ways.  

Quitting smoking is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  Fifty dollars a month is a lot of $.  That's $600/year!  Put it in a jar and save it and reward yourself with something.  Make a plan.  Build a toolkit of things to do when you get the urge to smoke.  You can do this.  It won't be easy.  Take all the advice given above and other places on EX and read, read, read.  There is so much wisdom here.  It's up to you, but you've got a ton of help here.  

Bonnie      ~1313 Days of FREEDOM

[sweetplt]

Hi and Welcome to Ex’s @MLuck 

You have received so much great advice above me…You can do this…keep close to the support site…we are good listeners…

~ Colleen 983 DOF 

[Strudel]

Welcome to the site! You can do this....such great advice above. I agree with Nancy recommendation of the Carr book. Please - stick around! 

[Christine13]

You have a lot of challenges, but you will save money, and your clothes and hair won't smell either.  Congrats on your decision.

I myself am on day 10 today I believe.

Christine