Laughter is the best medicine

[ShawnP]

reposting this blog again for laughs.

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/ShawnP-blog/2013/08/04/just-for-a-good-laugh (original is here)

  Chili  (S590b) 

            From: gordonschuk on 5/1/2008

   I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether 

   sure that course of action was a wise one.  You see, the 

   previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive 

   quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t 

   yourself' chili.  Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of 

   being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me 

   that if you eat the next day Both of your ***** cheeks WILL 

   fall off.

   Here's the thing.  I had awakened that morning, and even 

   after two cups of Coffee (and all of you know what I mean) 

   nothing happened.  No 'Watson's Movement 2'.  Despite 

   habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal 

   tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning 

   symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder 

   and lightning.

   Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure 

   of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal- 

   Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty 

   tidbits.

   Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I 

   selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items 

   in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end 

   of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.  Oh, 

   don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. 

   I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always 

   seems to hit us at the wrong time.  The thing is, this pain 

   was different.

   The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging 

   a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way 

   through the small intestines, forcing their way into the 

   large intestines, and before I could take one step in the 

   direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it 

   happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.

   There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly 

   enveloped in a Noxious cloud the likes of which has never 

   before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for fear that 

   more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so 

   slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my 

   body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just 

   as an elderly woman turned into it.

   I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what 

   her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that 

   refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. 

   Have you ever been torn in two different directions 

   emotionally?  Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you 

   at least will be able to relate.

   I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.  I simply 

   watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently 

   indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she 

   could do before gathering her senses and running, was to 

   stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as 

   though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, 

   made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.  MISTAKE!

   Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep 

   things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.  With each 

   new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether 

   region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later 

   told a Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that 

   someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

   Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and 

   I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, 

   laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make 

   it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

   Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to 

   the john, began the Inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above 

   the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. 

   One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of 

   what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.  He made a 

   gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then 

   quickly left.

   Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially 

   filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a 

   store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might 

   want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some 

   prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager 

   is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two 

   which ought to take care of the problem.'

   That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to 

   escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back 

   pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me 

   in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off 

   returning moments later with the manager.  I was 

   unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none 

   too kindly not to return.

   Home again without having shopped, I realized that there 

   was nothing good to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed 

   two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at 

   Albertson's.  I can't say anymore about that because we 

   are in court over the whole matter.

   Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[YoungAtHeart]

O M G - tears rolling down my cheeks, belly hurting -----

GREAT dopamine rush!

Thanks, Cyn!

Nancy

[cheyenne7]

Laughing OUT LOUD...too funny!  Thanks for sharing : ))

[Barbara145]

Thanks for posting that.  I love to laugh.  I laughed so hard for a long time.  I will feel great the rest of the day.  Maybe I will clean my house.

[klv]

Now that's funny! :-} Thanks I needed that.

[newlife5]

thats just what i needed .... that isn too funny.. thank you shawn

[promise_judy]

I can't stop laughing!!! That is truly the most hilarious post I have ever read. Thanks for the laugh.

Judy

[iaviksfan]

Thanks for the smile today Shawn.

[freeneasy]

😉 Very funny!

[ShawnP]

This will never get old hehe

[malin]

ROFL!!!!!! OMG I soooo needed that laugh.