reposting this blog again for laughs.
https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/ShawnP-blog/2013/08/04/just-for-a-good-laugh (original is here)
Chili (S590b)
From: gordonschuk on 5/1/2008
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t
yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat the next day Both of your ***** cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of Coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite
habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder
and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-
Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty
tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items
in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end
of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh,
don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain
was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging
a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into the
large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a Noxious cloud the likes of which has never
before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that
more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just
as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply
watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she
could do before gathering her senses and running, was to
stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,
made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. MISTAKE!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each
new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether
region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and
I raced off through the store towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make
it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the Inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above
the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of
what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then
quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might
want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some
prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there
was nothing good to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed
two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at
Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.