Okay, I'm still at that critical missing my cigarettes/constant companion stage of the program. But, what I'm doing here, going into day 4 is more than I've ever been able to accomplish sans being in the hospital (where I still would sneak a cigarette) in more than 20 years. Cigarettes have been a constant, when I write, my diet consisted of cigs and coffee, same thing with ballet. This does not hold up so well with singing. But, unfortunately, by the time I learned I had a voice, I was already a smoker. When I landed my first bway show, I swore I would quit, but when I was able to handle it...the incentive was gone. But, I was always paranoid that I was going to lose my voice so I couldn't fully enjoy what I was doing.
Surviving breast cancer ought to surely have stopped the smoking. I slowed down then figured 'the hell with it' I'm dying anyway. WRONG. God had other plans, clearly cause I'm a 10 year suvivor. So, I'm obviously here to do something.
I am fortunate enough to study with one of the most sought after voice coaches in NY, I confessed to him that I smoked. He was shocked and what he said to me pierced me...in a good way. He seemed astonished, and say to me, something I'd often thought but have never had the courage to try. He basically said, wow, seems like you'd want to know just how good you could be. I have often wondered. I guess I've sabotaged myself for so long. I even said it's too late, but maybe not...
The other thing that keeps me reeling is that I loved my mom more than anything. She was beautiful and smart and she could do anything...except quit smoking. The same is true for almost all the women of that generation. They were powerful and beautiful, but none of them, seemed able to quit. So I think on two levels this effected me; one my mom couldn't do it and she was stronger than me, why should I think I can? And two, the other thought and the one I am trying to wrap myself around is, maybe I can quit for all of them. Smoking was a rite of passage for me. To sit at the table with them drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes meant I had arrived. But, if my mom could change one thing, I bet it would have been that she ever picked up a cigarette, not only to save her, but me. That's what I'm holding onto right now. I'm crying, shaking because it seems very hard and somehow sad right now.
I'm going to quit...I have to. God has been so good to me, even when I didn't know it was him. Thanks for listening and thanks for the support.
