Hi thought I would share a blog I wrote a while back. Today I got in touch with an old friend to ask him if he still smokes, he was one of my "smoking buddies" back in the day. And I shared this with him, so I thought I would share it with you guys, plus I read a similar blog on her, where the gal was talking about her past with cigarettes. For some reason this blog helped me. Warning-it's long. 🙂
Dear Cigarettes,
Hi, I know I see you everyday....and I don’t know how to tell you this, but I am going to have to kick you to the curb soon. We have been together for 28 years, I know this, because the doctor made me figure it out exactly, last time I was there. You really have no place in my life anymore. I felt a need to write you, because I have been thinking about this long and hard, for about 3 years now, ever since I first went to the hospital coughing up blood. That really scared me, it seems like you have no respect for me anymore. I tried to pretend like it was just a normal cough, but that was a real wake up call. The way you don’t even care that I am sick, and still keep coming, around makes me sad. And recently I have come to grips with the fact that you might even be trying to kill me. I want to be alive when my son graduates from College, and perhaps gets married, and maybe has children of his own some day. It doesn’t seem like you care if any of that happens, we just have different goals about life in general.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I played a part in this relationship, I don’t blame advertising or television commercials, those escape goats don’t exist in my decades. I knew cigarettes were bad for me, I was never under the delusion that they were glamorous like my moms generation was lead to believe. This was a completely different relationship you and I had, you were my ticket to the bad boys and girls club. Raised by basically health conscious female role models, I knew you were bad, and that’s what drew me to you. I was rebelling.
While on this journey of getting to the point where I can let you go, I think of how I went to several different high schools.
At first I was just being daring, hanging with my crazy friend Monique, maybe trying this or that…for fun. Then I landed at Sir Francis Drake High School, in Marin County, in my sophomore year, having just moved from New Mexico, and knowing no one, most people at this high school had known each other since grade school. Initially a nerdy brainiac showed me around, she was nice enough, but maybe too nice. Then I saw the smoking area, by the bleachers, there were some cool girls hanging out there, so I asked one for a cigarette. Did I smoke, no, but I would try, nice to meet you Marissa, and Liz. The cool guy with the long hair was checking me out. Ok, I could learn to do this….well luckily clove and rose pedal cigarettes were also cool here, so I didn’t really start smoking yet. But I did know how to meet cool people now.
Back in New Mexico, life was all about drinking, driving and smoking (anything we could get our hands on) New Mexico is a boring place for a teenager. You were my friend. You stuck with me, when my first boyfriend would run off with his crazy friend, and I would sit waiting impatiently in our apartment for his return. You were something to do when I was bored. You went well with alcohol, and I did plenty of drinking in my twenties. Like most of us in the 80's we just didn't say "no". Things I am ashamed of began to happen, and you were just yet another tool for my self loathing. I guess you were also a social prop of sorts, thinking I am outgoing person; it would seem I didn’t need to hide behind something as little as a cigarette, but I did…
Writing letters has always helped me figure things out, sometimes I don't even send them. I needed to write you this to accept my role in this relationship, and realize that now I am a grown woman, comfortable in my own skin. And the times have changed. Now the cool kids are not smoking. In fact I just look old and stupid standing outside the group smoking a cigarette. Now it is not only unhealthy to smoke, as we knew in the ‘80’s, it is also decidedly not cool. The few people that still do smoke don’t look well, and quite a few of my friends that continued to smoke and drink are no longer with us. So, I’m going to have to let you go, and along with that- let go of the “me” that partied like a rock star, hopefully embrace the “me” that is healthy and alive. Perhaps I will finish some of the projects I started before I ever met you, and get back into exercising. I don’t really know where I will go from here, but I just thought I should write to you and explain, I do owe you that, thank you for getting into the backstage, and helping me blend in with the crowd. But you obviously have lost yer touch, because you just don’t do that for me now. Goodbye old friend. I hope you meet some else, (or not), cause I am done.
