I am very Sad today, and I am restarting my quit date.

[Cricket]

I finally blew it.  On Wednesday night around 8pm, I bought a pack of cigarettes:(  Like a criminal I waited for everyone to go to bed and then snuck outside, wrestling with my conscience the whole way.  I opened the pack, and smoked one of the cigarettes.  It was a strange combination of wonderful and gross.  (That's probably why I only smoked one)

I feel like a hypocrite. The second cigarette I smoked was the next morning when I was out on an errand, feeling sick and dishonest the whole time.  Then again last night I smoked one and this time I paid attention to my mind and my body trying hard figure out what I was doing and why.  One thing I noticed was when I exhaled the smoke kept coming out of my lungs, so exhaled harder and it kept coming......GROSS!!!!  I then remembered what my carbon monoxide levels were before I quit in the first place.  I can't claim a slip because I did it on purpose.  I felt sad and disappointed in myself and still do.  But I brought the pack to my husband  (all of them)  and told him what I had done.  He refused to distroy them,  He said this is entirely my decision.   So

I broke them up into a Walmart bag and went out to my studio to write this confession.  It was very hard to bust those cigarettes and I have yet to add water to the left overs!  I need to reset my quit date,  I haven't smoked any today yet, but I noticed that there were still a couple of good ones left in bag. . I am hearing on the ledge. 

..  I am sorry to let you all down.

Cricket 

[Barb102]

You did not let us down. You let your quit down. Go put water on those lousy broken cigs. Pick yourself up and make the choice never to smoke again. It’s a choice only you can make. You can do this but you really have to want it. It’s not easy. We all know that. But instead of buying a pack read 101 things to do instead of smoking. My crave would pass by the time I read them all. Also Not One Puff Ever is my manta each and every day. I can’t have one puff or one cigarette. I’m an addict. I know it. I own it I know you can do this. Come to us BEFORE you smoke. I always did. We are here for you. Don’t quit on you. Quit smoking and be free

Barb

[MelodyEve]

Hi Cricket......You made it back and you're talking about it. I can really relate to the feelings you are having because I had them when I got back yesterday. I was gone for over a month and didn't want to come back because of guilt and shame. I know in my heart the tobacco is killing me and its causing me throat problems now and I refuse to get it checked because I'm scared of what the doctor is going to tell me. I finally threw everything away last night and put my patch on this morning and will embrace this website and my new friends because I don't want to die. I am so glad you made it back because I need to  hear what you have to say and what others say. I am here if you would like to talk. Lots of hugs

[CommunityAdmin]

Cricket‌

I agree with Barb102 put some water on those and rip up the remaining ones. Don't give yourself any opportunity to smoke more.

Whether you realize it or not, coming here and posting what happened is really admirable. I know there are others who aren't brave enough to do that.  Pat on the back for being able to do that. Hopefully others will see this post and have the confidence to admit a time they regressed and make a commitment to start over. What happened is now in the past. 

Mark
EX Community Manager

[Cricket]

Thanks Mark.  I will be right back.  I going to soak those nasty things. 

[Cricket]

Ok they are ALL GONE!

[Cricket]

Welcome back MelodyEve!!!  I am very proud of you, I just knew if I stayed away, I would keep talking

myself into just one more!!! I also know it would be VERY HARD to come back after a whole month,

so I admire your spirit and sponk!!  We can do this one day at a time!  It is very important to value your quit

because at the end of the day if you dont value your quit no one will.  I know this can be done because I did it for 186 days.  I am not dismissing my past efforts, I am just not claiming 188 days of straight freedom.  It is my spanking

to keep me from doing a repeat.  There is good in this as well, maybe I can go forward and accept my quit.  Acceptance has been my biggest battle and left me with many a struggle.  (I still need to figure out how to reset my quit date)

[indingrl]

no worries feelings come and go-no worries feelings are fickle-CONGRATS FACT YOU ARE A NON SMOKER TODAY! GOOD JOB!

[GyorgyiM]

The "honesty" is so refreshing.......................Welcome back (the both of you).

 Miles of Smiles.....

[Cricket]

I need to figure out how to get off the nicotine gum and lozenges.  The night I relasped was a very rough day and I noticed I had gone through about 10 pieces of gum.  Thats 40 mg of nicotine!!  I am not nicotinefree yet and never have been, I was only smokefree.....maybe that is why I am struggling so hard, but I am deaply concerned

that when I do stop the NRT, I will be in deep dodo!  If I am having this much trouble with the help, what will happen to me if I give it up?!!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I finally blew it.

 This statement to me appears that you were waiting for it to happen and it may have been on your mind for a long time.  I wish you had come here and addressed it.  You were doing so well.  To smoke or not to smoke will always be a choice.  Sorry that you have regret  My hope is that you have learned something and will go back to the drawing board and use what you have learned to garner a commitment to NOPE. No matter what. It is not easy but doable. 

[MelodyEve]

I'm not sure if there's a right or a wrong way to look at NRT's in general but I keep telling myself that I won't be on them forever either. I look at it little this way.....there's a medicine to help the cocaine and heroin addicts when they are coming off of their drugs.....there's a medicine that an alcoholic can take to help with withdrawal and cravings in the beginning to help with those uncomfortable symptoms......Its not going to be a forever use on the patches but I know I do need help right now and will use the patch as directed for as long as I'm suppose to. I do know I have to also stay busy and find things to do to get thru the cravings because I still enjoy the smell and taste sometimes but I don't like the health problems I'm now facing and I'm scared. You will get thru this and I believe that You have to do what you have to do each day to not smoke that one cigarette because that one cigarette is going to lead to 2 and 3 and then the obsession and compulsion sets in. Then the addiction has won and off and running we go. But I'm not a doctor or counselor and can't tell you if you should or should not use an NRT but I will say that I will do whatever it takes to not put that one cigarette in my mouth.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Good point. Smoke-free and nicotine free are two different things.  It is the addiction. 

[Sandy-9-17-17]

 Cricket....first off, you're going to do great when you start again, secondly, remember that whether you are stressed or having a bad day, smoking is not an option, because the stress will be there when the nicotine wears off, but now, you will need another to keep feeding the addiction!  You have to remember this, every time  you are struggling with emotions!  Set up a plan of action for the next time your emotions start going whack on you!  REMEMBER....you can come here instead of failing your quit, and whoever is here will help you!  Talk down those craves!  I agree with you about the NRT's, get rid of them too, because I feel as long as you are still feeding the addiction what it wants whether smoking or taking, nicotine has got to go, once and for all!  But as long as one feeds on nicotine itself, the easier it is to fall back to old habits in order to feed the addiction, a.k.a. smoking!  You can do this, and I am so glad you came back to seek the help.....just do it sooner next time.  We are all here to help each other, it's just who we are and what we do!  And that includes you!  You did not let us down, you let your quit down.  So pick up and dust off, and get back in the game!  You can do this!   

[Giulia]

Ah Cricket.  I'm sorry.  I find it interesting that you begin your blog with "I finally blew it."  (emphasis mine)  Like it was something you expected to happen all along.  Almost like you were waiting for it.  Were you?  Usually we say things like I finally made it.  I finally accomplished a task.   But in your case you finally accomplished the relapse you were expecting?  Because you never believed you'd make it?   Do you know why you didn't come here first and yell for help?  Were we not in you back pocket when you went out a 8 pm?  Do you know why you chose not to pull out your tool kit and use it?  Were you so overcome with a craving that that's all you thought about?  No.  You say yourself you were wrestling with your conscience (that best part of you.)  And it tasted wonderful and gross at the same time.   Did you do it to see what it would taste like after all this time smoke-free?  Did you really want one that badly still, after six months abstinence?  The more you can ask yourself those kinds of questions and answer them truthfully, the more understanding and knowledge you'll have for the next part of the journey.  

For your journey didn't end when you bought that pack.  It just began anew.  Sometimes on the journey to quit we take a wrong path.  Or two or three.  I'm really glad you doused them in water.  Leaving that one bright shining stick of death available would just have psychologically left that opportunity to smoke door wide open.

Keep working it.

(Updated:)  I wrote this before I read the comments.  I see Jackie had the same thinking as I.  Take a good look at that thinking.  If one expects failure, one will never achieve success.  You have to change your thinking.  And you can!

[stAn3]

Patches work better for me. Lozenges became a new addiction for me. I simply switched from smoking compulsively to using lozenges compulsively. The pattern of using something several time a day to keep my nicotine levels up did not change. I did not address my addiction to nicotine. With patches, you get a steady flow of nicotine, so you don’t get bothered by dropping nicotine levels. You are left with learning how to deal with the psychological triggers that make you want to smoke.

[Cricket]

I didnt have a all out smoke out.  I smoked 3 cigaretts and distroyed 17. This only started less 40 hours ago, so I DID come right back.  I didnt stay away longer so I could smoke longer. I am not proud of smoking any of them, BUT I am proud of the ones I DID NOT smoke!!  Not making excuses, just saying:)  I have worked really hard for my quit, and I have never in my life done this before, I still have acheived much toward kicking the habit for good.  Smoking is gross and I AM back.  Still trying to figure out how to reset my quit date.

[MelodyEve]

Go to top and click My Quit Plan and then when that page shows up it will allow you to edit the date.

[Giulia]

Click on this link to learn how to reset your quit date, Cricket.  https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/thread/17205-tech-help?commentID=111393#comment 

[Sandy-9-17-17]

I am very happy to see you get right back to it Cricket!  Never give up quitting, because you can be a quitter for life!  Reach out whenever you need to!  Someone is always waiting to help! 

[Cricket]

I reset my quit date and it sucked!!!

[MelodyEve]

I felt the same way! We are back here and we are doing this together! Extra hugs sent your way

[Cricket]

How many days did you blow?!

[Cricket]

Ty hugs right back!

[MelodyEve]

I had 5 days. Seemed like an eternity to me.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Yes. My first thought.

Looking to fail.

[Cricket]

You could be right Jackie,  I have had some really rough spots in this quit and I have come here to blog.  Many times

and I managed to win the day and you all helped me.   I know its not supposed to be a "fight" but for me it has been.  I dont really know what to say....  I just know that I wish I hadn't done it,  and I won't do it again.  

[Cricket]

got cha!!! lol!!  No worries, It really IS doable!  I just got lazy and did the wrong thing!!

[MelodyEve]

I have to say that looking back I had the "anticipation of failing" and the need to do this "the right way or no way at all" attitude.......today seems to be a different look at it. Embracing the relapse and my recovery in a whole different perspective. Anticipation of failing and fear of doing it wrong keeps me tied to the thoughts of my addiction the whole time its sitting over my shoulder reminding me of how much a failure I am. And of course I follow it up "I will show you" and light up and give the addiction the credit.

[Cricket]

Maybe in a way I did it so I could confirm that it is something I dont want, so I could quit thinking about wanting it!!

[MelodyEve]

Lots and lots of love and hugs your way!

[Cricket]

So I can finally reach the otherside of nomans land, so I can quit suffering.....

[Cricket]

At the same time I realize that is dumb because the smoking reopens the recepters in your brain, so I wasnt thinking about anything except self gratification.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

If you are still using NRT's the receptors have not begun to shut down and never will.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

NO NICOTINE is when they begin to normalize but takes a few to 6 months without nicotine.  I used to tell people a year but a newer study said 6 months or less.

[Cricket]

welll no wonder the sands soooo deep in nomans land!!  Makes sence

[Cricket]

That really does leave me back to square one!!  

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You mentioned using gum and lozenges and that you felt you were addicted to them. 40mg is 40 cigarettes worth.

So if you were already getting more nicotine, it wasn't a lack of nicotine that made you smoke.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

This is a mental game Cricket.

[Giulia]

Now you're thinking right.

[MelodyEve]

I do a lot of reading and researching and thought I would share this with you. I'm not a doctor so I wont give medical advise. That is between you and your doctor if you decide to use NRT replacements. I am using the patch at the request of Virologist Specialist that is working with me on something other than smoking. Commonly asked question on nicotine replacement therapy 

[MelodyEve]

How does tobacco deliver its effects? | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) 

[Barbscloud]

Oh heck.   Need I say more.   I'm glad you destroyed the rest  of the smokes.  Welcome back and don't stay away this time.

[marciem]

I'm not a believer that using NRT keeps you at square one.  It is a tool, like a carpenter's power tool helps build a house, NRT can help you build a solid quit.  It gives you time to break habits, triggers, behaviors and psychological uses of cigarettes that don't have much to do with nicotine, while taking the edge off (NOT eradicating... I've been there and yes they smooth the sharp edges but the cravings are still moderately there) withdrawal.  Once you've broken those above entities,  you can attack the nicotine addiction which is far less by the time you've gotten to the 6th or 8th week using the lowest dosage.  Nicotine is a poison and not harmless, but in the beginning of a quit-journey is less harmful than continuing to smoke.

Look at it this way... you have the rest of your life ahead of you, there are no points given for doing it more difficultly, or faster, or "cleaner".  Quitting smoking is the primary goal, with the ultimate goal being nicotine free and smoke free.  But as I said, you have the rest of your life to attain the ultimate goal.

This is coming from a lung-cancer survivor who wishes she'd have stopped drawing carcinogens into her lungs many long time ago.  By whatever means necessary~ 

Best wishes, whatever you choose!

[Mandolinrain]

My dear, you let yourself down....not us. 

Ok, so start over. Let go of what was and lets reach out for what will be and make that the goal, okay  We all still care, you can't be rid of us that easy. xoxo

[Giulia]

Yeah, it does, doesn't it.  It's a hard lesson.  But you own your quit.  And we're all proud of you for taking it back under your wing.  You're staying accountable by that reset.  

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Do you understand that as long as you are using nicotine the receptors stay the same? 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I recommend the patch.

I used the patch.

It's the only NRT where you don't juice yourself every time you would've smoked.

You trust it.

You base the dose on what you were smoking just before you quit.

and you trust it.

[Cricket]

Yes it makes sense, now I have to come up with a plan to stop using NRT'S.  It is why I never did clear no man's land:(

[JonesCarpeDiem]

these are two addictions.

what has happened in your becoming addicted to the NRT is you made the two into one. The tendency would be, the more you think of smoking, the more nrt's you use.

that's likely what's happened

They have people use the NRT to quit smoking, not the other way around so I'd say start with quitting smoking.

Get a patch and trust it's doing it's job.

I don't know any better way to help you get off but to stop the self dosing first.

[marciem]

Yes, I understand that part... the receptors are part of the nicotine addiction.  That's why I stated the addiction could be attacked after some of the other entities had faded.  Getting beyond the psychological/behavioral/habit part of smoking was much more difficult and drawn-out for me than the actual withdrawal from nicotine.

I agree with you about the patches.  I'm ok with gum also (it is really awful stuff!  Not easy to get hooked on. Same with lozenges unless you find you end up craving them... ugh!).  Spritzers or vapes I am 100% against because they do continue the habitual behaviors and don't give you the opportunity to put in the work on those, and esp. vaping is still pulling garbage into your lungs.