How to Survive?

[Kimshine]

I have an 18 year old daughter, a high school student with an almost 5 month old daughter. We have been in an ongoing struggle since the baby was born.Since my daughter is in school and has no job, I have had to take care of all the financial responsibilites for she and her daughter.  My daughter does not work and has no means of supporting her baby. 

The problem is that I have been struggling with my daughter to clean the baby bottles, make the formula, fold baby clothes and in general do the "work" associated with being a mother, as I am providing the home and necessities for them both. I don't feel that I should have to even mention to my daughter to take care of her responsibilities. However, daily I have to ask her to get off Facebook and care for the responsibilities. She then lets out a breath of disapproval at me along with an eye roll. 

I am sick of this! I love the baby with all of my heart, but feel as though my daughter should not balk at her responsibilithes! I told my daughter that she(my daugher) has been becoming a strain on me and since I am paying for my granddaughter and having to do much of the work for her, driving her to daycare, to doctor appointments, etc that I feel that my daughter should just go (leave my home) and figure out her own way in life and that she was becoming a burden on me having constantly to ask her to take care of her duties with her daughter. In essence, I let my daughter know that I could manage her baby alone better than having to tell my daughter to be a mom day in and day out. I told her that SHE was a strain on me. I told her that she needed to find some place else to live and someone else that didn't mind supporting she and her daughter or cleaning up after them. 

I went out last night and when I came home, my daughter and granddaughter were gone. Her boyfriend's mother came to rescue them from horrible me! They are now 7 total with my granddaughter in a two bedroom apartment. My daughter has no bed, my granddaughter's crib and all accessories are still here except for her clothes. I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!! 

Does anyone know anything I can do? How can I help my granddaughter? Do I have any legal recourse? My daughter is 18, but no means to support herself or a child--No job, no car, no money and no drivers licence..

Help, I have not smoked, but it's getting harder and harder by the minute!

[cderrick13]

I hate the situation you are in. I work with so many families in similar struggles.  be thankful though. Most of those families, the mom is addicted to drugs or is physically unable to take care of the child.  Your daughter has got to learn responsibility for this child and you need to let her.  You did the right thing letting her know its her responsibility, not yours.  You are a mom, you will be worried no matter what the situation. The only legal recourse is if you know the child is being neglected or abused.  If you think she may be, you can call the sherriffs office and request a "welfare check" which they are always more than happy to do. There are SO many people in your same situation, seek them out for people to talk to, they will help.

[cderrick13]

PS.  Keep upthe quit no matter what.  Regardless of what you think, No, smoking never makes anything better. never  

[Brenda_M]

CDerrick seems to know what she's talking about. What stuck out for me is, who bought the computer and smartphone she's using Facebook on? if you did, why does she still have them?

Eventually, she's going to get tired of sleeping on the floor, and she'll come home. When that happens, be firm. Take away all the little luxuries you give her. From now on, three squares, a bed, and a washing machine to wash the clothes. No pocket money, no cell phone, no computer, no TV in her bedroom...and so on. She can earn the privileges back.

When I was 18, I had two jobs and no baby. If I'd had a baby, it would be living with mom, and I'd be living elsewhere. If she's old enough to make a baby, she's old enough to get a job to support it and take care of it. It's not a goldfish, for God's sake. You can't replace it with a quarter and a plastic bag.

[family-first]

First of all...Thank You! I had my son at a very early age and without my parents support do not know what I would have done. I never had to rely on the system, learned responsibility, worked, and went back to school. My son is now in college. My pride and also fear would never allow for me to neglect my parental duties. There was communication and I knew if I didn't take care of him, someone could report me, take me to court, etc. I would do whatever I could to prevent this from happening. Maybe have a serious talk about what can happen if she does not step to the plate. You have more rights than you know. Her priorities are messing her up...remind her! Baby first. She doesn't know yet...but you are right and will be thanked someday!

[Kimshine]

Brenda M, She is provided luxuries from school. Her school provides laptops to each student so they can complete their school work. She was given a smartphone for christmas by her grandparents and she cannot afford service for it. She has downloaded a free Application on it so she can use it for texting, but no phone calls

I have been VERY firm. I supply no makeup, NO TV, I have never even given her pocket money. I'm a tough mother and I don't believe in giving pocket money. If she  wants money, I tell her to work for it--GET A JOB. My priority is her baby at this point and not the things my daughter wants. 

I'd love the baby to live with me, so the comment about you having a baby and it living with your mother sounds great, but you can' t take a baby away from an adult (she's 18) We know that that is not really an adult, but I don't make the laws. This is why I'm here to find out if I have any legal recourse!!

[Brenda_M]

That's valid. I forgot about the 18-thing. I just remember asking her once what she would do if I got pregnant, and she said I'd be kicked out. Years later, I asked her about the conversation, and she remembered. I said, how could you do such a thing to a baby? And she said, "Oh, my grandchild would never be on the streets. Just you."

Could you take away Internet access? It's cool that the school gave her a computer, but they didn't give it to her so she could use Facebook. Of course, you have to use the Internet for school, but maybe there's a way to curb it.

You sound like a great grandmom. And a great mom! Hooray for her not having cell phone service! You'd just think that with all that, she'd get a job and take care of the baby. You've provided so much, and all you ask is she cleans up after the baby and herself...it's a shame. But she will be back soon. Of that, I'm certain.

[Nyima_1.6.13]

Sorry you are going through this! Babies raising babies is always difficult. I would guess that the boyfriends mom will also get tired of watching your daughter avoid responsibility and she will come back home or she will step up to the plate! I agree that the best possible scenario is a family discussion. Sometimes it really does take a village to provide the best possible care. I am really impressed with your ability to protect your quit. Nice for you and that grand baby....you'll be around longer!

[owlfeather]

O.K.  I can't help myself here.  This child has no idea how to be a parent.  Taking away her toys will not teach her how to parent.  But  if you look into what her school or the community has in the way of Parenting Classes, sign her up, go with her to support her, that might help her.  

As far as doing all the baby stuff work, simply don't do it.  You are enabling her. 

O.K.  I'm out of here again.. 

All the best

Owl 

[Kimshine]

Agreed the child has no idea to be a parent. I have not enabled her, I asked her to leave due to her lack of respect for me (NOT SURE, BUT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ENABLING TO ME, BUT MAYBE  I DON'T KNOW THE DEFINITION)  which she did. She is a high school student and finishing with that. What I have enabled is for her to finish school at my house, with her baby as long as she did the work, I'd provide them the home. (It was the best offer I had to give is to help her help herself with eduation). 

I din't do her work, Owl, that is why she was asked to go make her own way!! 

[newlife5]

the only thing you can do is get legal custody if she is not taking care of the baby right,,,, otherwise she has to do it on her own... and you would be enabling if you allow her to dump on you all the bills and responsibility

[Brenda_M]

You know, it's usually times like this, I say, "Ima go double-up on my birth control," but something about the phrasing in these posts almost makes me want to, you know...have a baby (yikes!). Maybe it's also partly because my sister is trying to find an OB/GYN...I dunno. Genesis, keep us informed.

And do you like the band Genesis?

[Newfound_Joy]

First and foremost............HOORAYYY for you for holding onto your quit.  You have described a seriously stressful situation that you are living in.  It is my opinion, that is the best thing that could have happened at this point is for her to leave your house and be forced to take on some more of the REAL parenting responsibilities.  You are her mother, you love her and the baby very, very much.  In this situation it is sometimes hard to see what is "enabling" and what is not. Your goal, as you stated, was to give her a place to live so that she could finish high school.  Well....it would not be the end of the world if she didn't finish high school now.  She can always go back or there is the GED program.  The main point I am trying to make is to not get stuck on just one way of thinking about this.  ("I HAVE to help her so that she can finish high school.  I HAVE to make sure she does all of the baby responsibilities")  That is what I heard in your original blog.

The truth is......you need to take care of yourself.  I have raised 4 children and gone through many "crisis" situations, but you know what?  Things always really do work out.  The best lesson your daughter could learn is how to solve this on her own.

We are not professional counselors, here.  I am giving you my best encouraging words.  Genesis, the most important thing you can do is do something special for yourself.  Take a walk, go to a movie, breathe deeply, pray, meditate, hard physical exercise.  You can let this go and feel so much more energized by doing something totally for yourself right now.

Please, protect your quit AT ALL COSTS!  This is your life.  Thank you for sharing.

[YoungAtHeart]

When I was in a difficult situation, it always helped me to try to think." OK - what is the worst thing that could happen?"  Most of the time, the worst thing really wasn't THAT bad.  It may not have been what I WANTED, but it was not that bad.  Your daughter is NOT entitled to her high school education.........that's what the GED is all about.  You might want to remind her that, while you would like for her to finish high school, it is not your responsibility to support her completely for her to do so.  And, if you do support her efforts, she is also to take responsibility for her child, period.  You should NOT do any of the chores she should be doing....and don't let the sighs and rolling eyes get to you - they are a ploy to get you to lay off ('cause she knows you hate them).

I am so sorry you re having to be apart from that baby; I know how that must feel.   I cannot tell you how proud of you I am to not have smoked through all of this.  

And, I agree, find something  to treat yourself....only you know what will work....but DO IT!

Stay in touch with us.....we are here for you!

Nancy

[owlfeather]

I'm sorry I did not mean to offend in any way.  I was that 18 yo, with a baby, and irresponsible.  There is a (it seems to me anyway) problem with her bonding with the baby.  If my Mom would have taken some legal action it more than likely would have brought me to my senses.  I had no business having a child at that age, some can handle it, some don't have a clue.  I did not have a clue, so I can understand and relate to her, and to you.  You might be able to obtain Guardianship.  That is not custody, it means if you are the Guardian, you can say where the child will live, you can legally monitor if neglect or abuse is occuring, and can legally take action.  My heart goes out to you and your Grandchild, because in the end it is always the children that get the brunt of it.  If we can as adults focus on the children and keep the big people stuff out of the way, it helps to focus our attentions where it is most needed.  It is obvious your love for both of them, and your frustrations are real and valid.  I had to do Guardianship with my sons two children.  It took 10 years for him to speak to me, and I knew I risked losing my son, but the children just had to come first.  Newfound Joy and the others have given you some really great input.  And your quit right now is of the utmost importance.  Be strong.  Also, I really do want to say again, parenting classes just might help her realize how much her child needs her. 

Blessings

Owl 

[Kimshine]

I appreciate the input from everyone. I cannot, however, send her to parenting classes in our community.  She no longer lives here and she is an adult and I cannot force her to do anything except leave my home (as not to be taken advantage of or enable poor behavior towardsme which I have done).  On Monday morning I will go to child protective services to see if there is anyghing I can do. My daughter and granddaughter are currently living with her boyfriends(not baby's father) mother. She is living in a two bedroom apartment with 7 people (5 including my girls=7)The boyfriend, The boyfriend's mother, the mother's boyfriend all smoke-My daughter and the other minors of course don't smoke cigarettes, but they smoke second hand ;(

I honestly don't mind if my daughter wants to get away from me, however, I want the baby to be with me!

[owlfeather]

Document everything.   

[mary242]

Im so sorry...I think everyone has either been in your shoes or known someone who has. I am very proud of your strength  through this, and Im going to say some serious prayers for you and your family. Keep us posted.....Mary

[mary242]

Im so sorry...I think everyone has either been in your shoes or known someone who has. I am very proud of your strength  through this, and Im going to say some serious prayers for you and your family. Keep us posted.....Mary

[stonecipher]

I think you may have "grandparents' rights".  If you are going to child protective services, they should be able to tell you.  Since you have had the family with you since the pregnancy, I would think you will have some rights, and I also agree that your daughter is likely to tire of the situation she is in right now.  If the people she moved in with don't tire of HER first.  Babies have a way of disrupting a household, and they are not cheap.  So maybe rescuing your daughter sounded better in theory than in fact.  I hope so, for all your sakes.

I have no thoughts on how to parent the adult child who has a baby.  I was spared that experience, thank goodness, but I have a sister who has had to intervene a lot in her daughter's life, for the sake of the grandchild, and I can see it is not a black and white issue.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you.

[Sootie]

Genesis--

First----so sorry for what you are going through. There is nothing worse than seeing a child of ours make mistakes and no longer being able to control the situation. Stay Strong.

Your plan to go to Child Protective Services is a good one. Even if they cannot do anything officially yet...you will put them on notice that there is a potentially "problem situation" in the making (7 people in two bedroomswith a small infant). Each State is different on it's laws and ways of handling things. 

I, of course, cannot know---but if your daughter was so dependent on you I would bet she's back soon. I doubt anyone in her present situation is going to care for her and her baby as you did. I am sure you know that when she comes back you should both perhaps get a little outside help through counselling on how to better manage your relationship going forward.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[loriann5]

I feel so sorry for your situation, hopefully things get better for you! Whatever you do though do NOT smoke, you also need to take care of you and you are doing great at it. Keep up the good work!! Will keep you in my prayers! ((HUG))

[SkyGirl]

Gen, everyone has given you a lot of ideas and options.  I have no experience with a situation like this, so I'm not qualified to offer you any thoughts.  The only thing I can do is encourage you to separate the crisis with your daughter/granddaughter from your Quit.   Your Quit belongs to you.  You have worked for it.  You have earned it.  It's a prize you deserve now and need to hang on to.  It's a hard-won victory that needs to be guarded, protected and preserved.  It has nothing to do with how your daughter is handling/not handling motherhood.  So, Gen, keep your Quit sacred.  Please.  You SO deserve to have all the benefits of not smoking.  Don't give that up.  For ANY reason.

xxxooo, Sky

[erma2]

 dear genesis your doing all the right things, iwas 14 when i got pregant my parents emancipated as a adult iwas no longer achild any more, there is agencys out there to help her, like housing    cash assistance   but im proud gf the way your handling things       erma in ohio

[IrishRose]

Gen, the only advise I can give you is to keep that door open for your daughter.  She can very well walk out of your life with your granddaughter, and you very well might never be a part of their lifes again.  I say this with tears flowing from my eyes right now, but I beg you to keep that door open with your daughter. 

I would not go to child protective services.  Your granddaughter is around cigarette smoke, and DSS deals with cases where children are being molested, parents are shooting up drugs in front of their children.  What I am saying is, half of the DSS staff may be smokers.  That is the least of their problems.  The size of housing is the least of their problems.

Invite your daughter to come together with you in the exchange of loving and caring communication.  She wants to be an adult, but she is still a baby with a baby.  You know that, but your daughter does not see that.  It is so very important that you protect your quit more than ever right now, and you keep that door open with your daughter.  

May God be with you in this journey!!! 

[Connie55]

Genesis- my son was 19 when he and his girlfriend had a baby. As much as they really loved her, they were terrible parents. Probably because they were just babies themselves. Unfortunately, I don't believe they really wanted to be parents. They wanted the attention they wanted the free housing and free food, but they didn't want to do the "work". I think they were surprised by the amoutn of work babies required.  My husband and I spent years counseling them and trying to spend time with our grandaughter. It is now 4 years later, they are both older and slightly better parents than they were but still not great. All we can do is try and spend as much time with our grand daughter as we are allowed to so that we can show her a different way of life and we hope that she will not end up a pregnant teenager herself one day. We also insisted on, and spent $$ on a education for our son, drilling into his head that he needs an education to be able to provide for his daughter whom he claimed to dearly love. We explained that she can't eat or wear love!  At least that worked. He now has a good paying job and pays for proper, decent childcare for her. We are now trying to get him to spring for a pre-paid college plan for her. One battle at a time 🙂