I got some exciting news about an availability for an advance in a hobby I am getting into which is SUPER exciting and got me through the afternoon and into the evening. Now though I am having a pretty hard time. My craving is pretty hysterical right now. Similar to a light panic attack. Not completely immobilized but pretty damn upset. Chest has been pretty tight for a while now. I wasn't sure there for quite a while if I was going to give in and buy some smokes. Seriously I had pretty much made up my mind to smoke. Then I really started thinking about how horrible these last few days have been. And I decided at least for a while that I didn't want to do that whole thing over again. Guess that's a pretty good motivator. Geesh this last few days have been the longest and most stressful 3 days in a while. I don't remember being this fatigued and tense.
Also found out today that we are pretty damn tight on money right now which is causing me quite a bit of stress. Man when I get there a smoke sure sounds pretty freaking awesome. Sit and have a long slow smoke and figure it out. Why in the world does it feel like I can't figure it out without a smoke? That doesn't make much sense. But seriously that's how it feels. It feels like I can't even deal with regular life that everyone else deals with! Non-smokers deal with low money issues and don't need the substance why does it seem like I can't? It's ridiculous! Right now my motivation is not simply to not have a smoke, it's to not smoke so I don't feel like this again! It's horrible. It's horrible that a substance messes with my emotions and body like this. It's all out of whack!! I don't ever want to do this again.
Ever.
