Dearest Friends
SO SORRY to take more time and shout out again same day. End of my rope. Doing all I can right now not to go buy a pack. Alone in my bedroom typing like a madwoman to keep myself from unraveling all the good I have done in 12 days. I am writing in part to pass the time so that I don't go get in the car.
First, every single solitary word on my earlier blog re: lethargy meant the world to me. Each comment filled with wisdom and hope. I cannot say thank you enough.
I was so relieved and just about to sit down and have a healthy lunch when the majority of the comments arrived. Then, an old headache popped in and all went to hell.
This isn't lethargy. New hurdle - feel abandoned, alone, beat down. Miss those cigs for first time in days damnit. I had just gotten to a few days of freedom from those cravings and now, feel like my insides have been ripped out and the carpet whipped out from under me too.
Haven't eaten since 7:30am. Reader's Digest - just remodeled our house for over 12 months, next door someone moves in and asks us to chop down very mature tree in our yard. His rationale is silly - won't bother you with it. Started out with peaceful negotiations. Now deteriorated to where we had to get attorney to protect us. The man is sending very disrespectful emails against me and my husband's character (mostly mine) and threatening my family. My husband and I see this very differently. My husband wants to "take the high road" and just do what the neighbor wants and cut the tree down at our cost even though it will harm our property value and there is no reason to remove the tree, and he really doesn't stand up for me when this man writes things blasting my character. I have been working to find a solution to keep the tree but also would like to tell the neighbor that we do not appreciate his treatment of us. We are 36 inches from a solution (literally) and it all revolves around safety to ensure the tree doesn't destabilize. We found out today that neighbor is lying to us about having spoken to an expert. I called the expert and it isn't true. My husband wants to just let that go. Won't call him out on it which I feel makes us look like idiots. The neighbor is working on his landscape starting today and the actions he is potentially taking mean the tree will destabilize and fall over. He's boxed us into a corner, in a rush, and there is nothing we can do to stop him. Three feet he won't budge, to kill a tree on our property. It is so sad. The law is on our side but of course we don't want anyone hurt regardless of our rights under the law. So if this guy makes the tree unsteady, we will have to remove at our cost, inc. devaluation of our property. My husband will not sue even though the law is on our side. A few weeks ago when this was boiling up my trainer said "would you rather be right or be happy?" That made sense then. Here's the difference tonight.
I told my husband before my quit that I needed some slack during my quit. I had him read about all the side effects, etc. The first week of my quit he was so happy to be rid of that smell and breath on me it was like a new honeymoon. Lately, he has been short w/ me cuz he is under stress at work. Today I spent the afternoon scrambling to get a tree expert out here tomorrow morning to advise, since the neighbor started demo'ing his yard today without warning. I also worked to craft a response to his scathing email so that we can get to a resolution as quickly as possible. Basically, the guy led us on and didn't speak to the expert and then just started the landscape that could harm the tree with no warning. In other words, he led us on, delayed, then boxed us into a corner. That doesn't feel very good when we have been working so hard to make our house into a new, fun, exciting, enjoyable relaxing home. I have spent over 2.5 years on that endeavor. Now I do not feel safe or comfortable in my own front yard. That makes me trepidatious and depressed. I feel like all my efforts for two years have been a complete waste and continue to be a waste. I work on decorating this home every week but how can we enjoy this home if we can't even feel comfortable in our own front yard?
I am trying to do what I can to ensure we don't have a dangerous situation, even if for a day. A huge tree falling over is no laughing matter. Instead of appreciating the multiple phone calls and email draft responses I worked on today my husband screams at me over the phone while driving home, then derides my character the whole time after he comes home. Multiple criticisms of my feelings and completely invalidates them telling me I should not feel this way and that. Yells at me at the top of his voice. No kudos for my efforts, only criticism. To try to prevent that I'd written an email to him to explain my feelings on the situation and that even though we see things differently it is important that I be given a chance to explain how I feel and to let him know I needed to stress as little as possible about this. My husband complained about that too. I was hoping that by writing my feelings I'd avoid a fight. Wrong.
Folks, I feel all alone. My friends I reached out to for support before this quit are in absentia. Actually, one keeps asking me for dating advice but never asks how I am doing on my journey. So, no support anywhere except for you guys. That's it. Family - nope. Friends - nope. Husband - nope. I feel so alone and sad. What is the point of quitting if the honeymoon phase with my husband is over. A week? Really? Then the benefit of an improved marriage just gets ripped out from under me? I've lost 7 lbs, 6% body fat, and dropped cigs all in 12 days and I only get 5 days of romance back in return. What's the freaking point? I know I'm supposed to be doing this for me not him, yes I know that. But it is really hard to be encouraged when I feel so alone. I always feel like I'm out on a limb when the s___t hits the fan like this. My husband's manner of arguing is to point out all of what he sees as my flaws and to tell me why I am wrong for feeling the way I do. I frankly see him as being a whimp in this situation. There is a way to take the high road without letting someone steamroll you. And we are being steamrolled big time.
My only true support is on here. While I love that and love every single one of you, I do feel sad that I feel so alone and that noone in my physical proximity can give me a little patience or credit and instead just beats me down or doesn't bother to care. I thought if I shared with them ahead of time it would help. It hasn't. Noone but ya'll gets how hard this is. I feel so alone and hurt.
Love you guys,
Stac
