Two in one day…
This is the blog I felt compelled to write, it has to do with slipping, relapsing, whatever you want to call it and people coddling members who slip and who don’t want to reset their clocks. I really feel as though I have enough on my plate without monitoring everyone else, I also failed at quitting more than once and I have no idea if someone had kicked my butt (both of them) if it would have changed things for me. I DO know that I am not the kind of person who feels that I have a right to kick anyone. I am a nurse, retired maybe but still I am a nurse, I am a mother, I am a grandmother, I nurture everyone, call it a character defect, I cannot help it. Some people would refer to it as enabling and it may very well be but this is Ellen, this is who I am and who I have been for as long as I can remember. I cried over other people’s pain and I have always done whatever I can to encourage people and not beat them down. I know that when I relapsed a long time ago that I beat myself up more than anyone else possibly could. We all have our approach to helping people I think that most people will reset their clocks once they get back on their feet completely, if they don’t, THEY know the truth, it’s not my job to judge anyone for anything. Yeah, that’s who I am. I will be there if you slip, I will try to support you even though sometimes it is at my own expense because when people slip and slip and slip, it takes a toll on me to keep being there, for me, it beats the alternative of that tough love, I have tried that in other parts of my life, sorry to disappoint people but some of us just can’t DO THAT. Some of us are hardwired to take care of others and we learn to live with that, we can only hope that others can accept it and if not, well, that’s YOUR burden to bear, I am not strong enough. That’s enough confession for today or every other day. I love you, warts and all, and YOU know what you need to do to care for yourself, to be honest with yourself, I know what I need to do to take care of Ellen. I am not implying that I am a saint, far from it, I just am who I am and after years of trying to be someone else, I have accepted that this is it for me, it is the hand I was dealt.