Back again, the blog I felt I had to write

[elvan]

Two in one day…

This is the blog I felt compelled to write, it has to do with slipping, relapsing, whatever you want to call it and people coddling members who slip and who don’t want to reset their clocks.  I really feel as though I have enough on my plate without monitoring everyone else, I also failed at quitting more than once and I have no idea if someone had kicked my butt (both of them) if it would have changed things for me.  I DO know that I am not the kind of person who feels that I have a right to kick anyone.  I am a nurse, retired maybe but still I am a nurse, I am a mother, I am a grandmother, I nurture everyone, call it a character defect, I cannot help it.  Some people would refer to it as enabling and it may very well be but this is Ellen, this is who I am and who I have been for as long as I can remember.  I cried over other people’s pain and I have always done whatever I can to encourage people and not beat them down.  I know that when I relapsed a long time ago that I beat myself up more than anyone else possibly could. We all have our approach to helping people I think that most people will reset their clocks once they get back on their feet completely, if they don’t, THEY know the truth, it’s not my job to judge anyone for anything.  Yeah, that’s who I am.  I will be there if you slip, I will try to support you even though sometimes it is at my own expense because when people slip and slip and slip, it takes a toll on me to keep being there, for me, it beats the alternative of that tough love, I have tried that in other parts of my life, sorry to disappoint people but some of us just can’t DO THAT.  Some of us are hardwired to take care of others and we learn to live with that, we can only hope that others can accept it and if not, well, that’s YOUR burden to bear, I am not strong enough.  That’s enough confession for today or every other day.  I love you, warts and all, and YOU know what you need to do to care for yourself, to be honest with yourself, I know what I need to do to take care of Ellen.  I am not implying that I am a saint, far from it, I just am who I am and after years of trying to be someone else, I have accepted that this is it for me, it is the hand I was dealt.

[djmurray]

You are a beautiful person, my friend, and I am with you that while there are those who are hard line about relapses, I am not one of them.  I have lived a long life and failed at quitting many times before.  If I had been chastized and shamed for breaking the rules, it would not have motivated me, it would have driven me away.  That's just me.  I believe there is room for everyone in this community, and all I ask is courtesy from those who disagree.  I offer courtesy to those with whom I disagree. 

[TerrieQuit]

Ellen, you are a wonderful and very caring person. I have made way too many mistakes in my life to be taking any one else's inventory. If someone relapses (i don't use the word slip) They should't be shamed, that could happened to any of us. This is a one day at a time deal. I do have compashion for someone when they relapse. But I also believe in the clock re-set, at least for myself anyway! But i still wouldn't want to be shamed no matter how much time i gave away! Thanks for you post!

Terrie  36  DOF

[Terri103]

My first recollection of being soft hearted and kind was when I was 5 years old.  A little girl in my kindergarten class was sitting in the coat nook, crying.  I sat down next to her, put my arm around her and asked her why she was crying.  She said she didn't feel good and then proceeded to throw up all over me, head to toe.  It wasn't fun at the moment but I am still that little girl, willing to take a risk at my own expense, to express kindness.  

Ellen, you are beautiful, as Donna says.  Your compassion oozes out of you!  And it isn't sticky sweet, it is just genuine and natural.  I think we all need a little bit of both.  As addicts, many of us chose smoking as a way of dealing with issues from our past.  And for me, being shamed, blamed, unrealistic expectations created a sensitive person.  I don't want to be coddled or babied.  The first thing I really want and need is respect.  And not kiss kiss ridiculousness, just that genuine compassion.  

As far as people who slip and slip, that is heartbreaking and sometimes IF it is at our own expense, we can choose to not comment.  Or we can choose how we wish to address a person who has relapsed.  I am not sure what will be most supportive in a situation like that.  I guess I might just be honest and say "I really want to help you and support you and get you on to your final and forever quit.  What is going to help you the most?"   

I am going to be true to myself, and you know what, once in awhile I DO tell it like it is, but with a dose of respect.  I am however, going to step down from the business of defending/protecting other people via blogs.  If I think someone needs an extra boost, that will be a good time to use the PM.  

I am very proud of my quit, I work it very hard, I come seeking advice and support as I continue thru NML and this IS my forever quit.  I can be a non smoker And have silky soft skin.    

Ellen, I love you just the way you are and I wouldn't want you any other way!!

[johio]

You are a very special person Ellen

[MarilynH]

You are one beautiful lady inside and outside my friend. 

Marilyn ☺ 

((((HUGS))))

[JonesCarpeDiem]

i can only help in the way I help

some people love me, some peiple hate me

I'm not here for either

i don't ask or expect anyone to go through anything I didn't or wouldn't

the unknown factors are whats going on in their heart and mind and health and life.

[jonilou]

Some are tough, some are less tough, some are soft and squishy, some are some where in the middle, depending on the person and the situation. Just like all of our quits are different, so are all of our ways of dealing with people.SOMEONE TELL ME WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? That's what makes the world go round. We are not all the same, thank God.

[Sooz3]

The world would be a much happier place if there were more Ellen's in it! x

[Michwoman]

That's why this site is so great - help  comes in all shapes & sizes,tough & soft.  There's a wonderful balance and you are part of that! Thanks for being you Ellen!

[Sootie]

A family.....a community.....is a collection of all DIFFERENT personalities. 

When all of these DIFFERENT personalities can contribute in their own way and ALL can be accepted as valuable..........that is when we grow. 

It is also what keeps the world (and the site) interesting.

I wouldn't trade an "Ellen" for anything! And we also need our Tommys, Giulias Breaks, Donnas, Lauras, Dales, Skys, Jonilous, Storms.............well.......you get my meaning------

WE NEED YOU ALL!

ALL ARE WELCOME IN THIS PLACE....................

[froguelady]

I have always thought and have said this site isn't about personality, hurt feelings, ect, it is to give support to help us quit smoking.  What worked for me may not work for you, everyone is different. I used  NRT  but knew it was a help for my quit but the quit had to come from me.  There are some that disagree with NRT and that is okay, I respect them for their and and all I ask is the same for myself. We are in this together for one purpose only to quit smoking.

I have met Ellen and you would not want a better friend.  Thank you Ellen for being here and letting me call you my friend.

[freeneasy]

[summer-07-06-15]

I'm have to take responsibility for myself, I feel sad that you have cried tears because of me. Take care of yourself. 

[bonniebee]

I am a little of both I like the idea of tough love when necessary but it must be given with love ! I often wish that concept had sunk in better with me when rising my children I was often to easy on them or then to hard there must be a healthy balance to accomplish tough LOVE !

We need the "Ellen's ( Elven) and the Dale's (Jonesscarp) and all the ones inbetween it  brings it  all into balance I totally agree with Michwoman !

You be you and I love you just like you are ! (Seems everyone else does too ! )

[OxfordComa]

I totally agree, Ellen. 

Our job here isn't to police each other's quits, but to be supportive and caring. Everybody has their own journey to take. It sucks to watch people slip and slip and slip, and I also know, first-hand, how heartbreaking slipping can be (as do most of us, no doubt). But how does shaming and policing people help them quit? We all fail at quitting until we don't. I think most of us have quit several times before it took, and it's not possible unless our support system and community believes in us. 

Ellen, you are the majority of the reason I stayed with Ex and your support, blogs, and kindness really helped me through some tough times this past year. Your warmth and compassion aren't enabling, they are part of what makes you such an exceptional person. -But remember to take care of yourself, too. If you need to establish boundaries, that doesn't make you less compassionate. Self care is so important! You deserve to treat yourself with the same love and compassion you treat those around you. You are worth it.

[jacks1125]

Ellen you are diamond,I love u just the way u are..wouldn't have it any other way!!