Yesterday was supposed to be day 1 but I chickened out.
Last night as I was having my final cigarettes, I was thinking about all of my previous attempts. I had my first cigarette when I was 12, and random cigarettes with friends throughout high school. Then when I was 19 I became a full-time smoker, 1/2 pack a day. My first quit was around 22. I thought if I just switched from menthol to non-menthol I would just hate it more and I would stop. Nope, just made me want my menthols back, and I think I started smoking more, too. Then around 24 I was up to a pack a day and I tried to quit by cutting down. Probably lasted for a week and 5 cigs per day. A friend of mine said "you never quit smoking, you just stop." I guess I kind of thought I was trapped for good; stopping means you could always start again. Third quit I was about 29 and I tried for New Year's. Cold turkey, lasted a week. Miserable. Fourth time, 32, I tried switching to an e-cig. Never got the hang of it, always felt weird and like it was burning my throat. Fifth time, 35, I tried the patches. First week I slipped on day 4, but got back on and finished the 3 months. But right after that I was hit with stress and went back to smoking. Sixth time, 36, I read Allen Carr's Easyway and tried again, lasted about 2 weeks and went back to smoking. Everything he says makes sense, but for some reason it just doesn't sink in. Seventh time, 38, December '17 Cold turkey, Joel Spitzer videos on YouTube, day 6 get hit with stress and right back to smoking.
When I say stress I mean things like breakups, medical/health issues. Most recently I have to have surgery, and I want to be able to recover quickly and also eventually I want to have a baby. I'm mostly scared of going in to surgery being a smoker, so I originally set my quit date for 2 weeks from surgery to get clear.
What scares me is the bargaining. I've been bargaining a lot lately and it's getting tiresome arguing with myself (or the monster) and losing. Now that day 1 is practically over, physically I'm ok, emotionally I'm drained. I'm scared of giving up like I've always done in the past. But I'm also scared of the surgery and being healthy enough to have a baby. What if it's too late for me and I can't be a mother because I smoked for so long?
I hope tomorrow will be better. One day at a time right? I also have been trying to think, "what would a non-smoker do?" when I'm bored. It's the stress (big ones, not everyday normal stress) that I need to work out how to cope without cigarettes.
