Ground Zero

[Vicspin]

Some progress. I gave all my vape equipment to a friend this morning to throw out for me. I did however keep one pod, of course filling it up before she took my juice.  I felt like such an addict as I filled the pod. I am in recovery for another addiction and have a number of years of sobriety but boy am I holding on to this one. 

I read Carr's book last night and I identify. I want to rejoice in quitting but also don't want to. 

What is my fear? What is behind it? vaping is a source of comfort to me, an escape, something I can control. I use it to control the feelings I don't want. If I don't have it then I need to deal with life, or feelings on their terms. Fearful of dealing with the feelings. I am a good addict, I don't like to feel. I know that this too shall pass and 

Now I am just waiting to quit so why don't I just do it! Fear - False Evidence Appearing Real

OK i I just went outside and took a hammer to my last pod, the one I held on to, the one I liked best. Comfort be damned I guess. 

Gratitude helps. Grateful that I will feel better, that my lungs will thank me, that I don't have to hide it anymore, that I don't have to pretend like I am not doing it, that I am not poisoning my body with it.

Oh Lord, give me the strength