Dear friends and fellow-exers here:
I have fallen off the bandwagon. Baby was born on 25 June and I did an incredible job fighting the nico-demon until October. I fell off the bandwagon when I was sent away from family on assignment in mid-October. I bummed some cigarettes here and there from around the 17th of October. Just tonight after the election results, I bummed two more. I am stationed in Germany, and a German told me I looked "desperate" when I asked if I could have a cigarette. I don't know if it was due to me wearing pajamas or because our next Presdient is going to be Trump. I just know that this election really made me crave, made me mad that we had NO REAL choice. Even if we voted for whomever we did. It was a lose either way for me in my mind. Worse of all, I have lost my quit. I need to re-start. I am coming clean, because I need this site to help me again. I did it and let it go. NOPE was my go to, but somewhere, I lost it. Maybe it was being separated from my family, the routine, the security of the things I know and being sent away to a place where things were different? Maybe it was thinking that my mom is dying of lung cancer, and it is my fate as well? Maybe it was a result of feeling like I could "cheat" and just do it, because hey, I'm on a sort of separation vacation...why not? I don't know, I don't know why I gave up on my quit, but I did. I gave up on it. I am smoking again, not even on a daily basis, but enough that I know the hard road I have ahead of me to get back to where I was, and not even think about it again. I need to write this blog to remember what it means, to remember that quitting is the MOST important thing in the world. I do want to be there for my grandchildren and possible great-grand children. THIS, this, is THE MOST important thing! I can't believe this election has resulted in me bumming two cigarettes tonight. My existence is more important than the election and its results--no matter how upsetting and shocking it seems right now. Quitting is more important than feeling desperate about our political situation, my mom's plight with lung cancer, marriage problems, etc., etc., I just need to be honest again. I fell. I HAVE FALLEN HARD. I need to reset the clock. SO please be with me in this time. I am not sure when my next quit date will be, but for now, let it be known. I am a cigarette bummer. Not on a daily basis, but on a weekly basis. I need to start-over. I do not even know how to begin again.QUITTING is the answer. I NEED TO QUIT AGAIN. I have failed. Goodbye 200+ days, hello day 1. Hello, I will start again. I just am not there yet it seems. WTF?
