IS THIS A TEST OF STRENGTH?

[Ralph1955]

  I was hoping to come here with good news, positive news but sadly I come here feeling defeated and lost.  While my mom recovered from the blood clots in her lungs and is doing well, my dad is now in the hospital.  Dad suffers from dementia and because of this stopped taking his heart, diabetes and blood pressure meds and the meds we thought he was taking he hid in the couch cushions.  Last Friday afternoon he laid down and he never left the bed all day and on Saturday afternoon fell when he tried to get up and hit his forehead on the floor.  We called 911 and he was rushed to emergency.

  Tests showed that he has a major UTI and failing kidneys.  He could not talk and became highly aggressive and incoherent when he did speak.  His weight dropped to below 130 pounds where normally he weighed in the 140's.  To calm him they sedated him and he slept from Saturday to this morning.  Friday morning he was alert and did laundry and within hours was out of it.

  I feel like I'm constantly being pulled in all directions and he stress and sadness is overwhelming.  Still, I did not give in and ignored that huge urge to smoke.  How I didn't cave I don't know but I'm drawing from all the positive feedback from all of my friends here who have been on this journey with me. God bless you all.

  This afternoon dad is going to a nursing home because mom can't take care of him and the aide isn't there at night.  Moms fear is dad will die at home and none of us want that.  We don't know how much time is left for him and his constant  wish to die isn't helping his recovery

 Again, thank you for allowing me to vent my heart.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Good morning Ralph, I read your post last night and did not respond because weighing the odds I felt like you may have already had the answer.   )  It really depends on your mom, what she is able to do for herself.   My dad was very disagreeable about most things. I later realized he did not want to lose his independence but he would not bathe, shower, shave. not take his medication and could not get to the bathroom soon enough.etc. No matter what I did to accommodate his physical disabilities were wasted money.  It is harder for man to take care of a woman and vice versa.   Just throwing that out there. Anyways, our parents grew up in a different era. (i.e.very private) however, I believe each person is different.  If your mom is still independent, maybe a caregiver for several hours during the day so she will not be alone.  Weigh the cost factor and feasibility  Or try it and see how it works. Life always brings us challenges and crossroads.  We do not want our parents to be alone.  We can only do the best we can do and when we have done that no need to continue to fret. My dad would not agree to anything.  He is now living in a convalescent home.  It hurt at first but the level of care he could receive there as opposed to living with me is much better.  He has good days and bad days but his good days outweigh the bad. (severe arthritis) 97 years old.  In the last several weeks his dementia level as elevated and has done some things that require him to be under security.  I pray that you are wise in your decision making. 

[Ralph1955]

Hey Jackie,

  It's a heart wrenching decision.  We do have a caregiver in the home but my dad was very combative with her not wanting anyone in His home.  His level of care is beyond that at this point; no bathing, shaving, etc, not getting to the bathroom in time and he now has a foley as his kidneys aren't working properly.

 Mom would be good at home but she doesn't want to be alone at night and a full time caregiver was nearly $10,000  per month.  Problem is we never knew they had annuities and they now have to much money for assistance.  Right now after the aide leaves at 5pm mom sleeps by me on the weekends and my sisters during the week.  It's hard on her.

 Today we go view the assisted living and we're hoping she likes it.

 Still not smoking and that is a Miracle

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I use to tell myself if I can do these(crisis) and not smoke then I believed I would never smoke again.  The idea is to be aware when you are vulnerable and pull out that quit kit.  Breathing is my best go to.  It is with me all the time..  If you haven't smoked by now. more than likely you will not.  The idea is to be mindful and not be overcome with stress and not protect the quit.  We ALL go through things. Smoking about them does nothing.  We have learned a new way that is much better.   In fact, we think clearer without smoking.  No more smokescreens.  You and your family will be in my prayers that God's will be done in this situation. Amen. 

[Giulia]

I hope she will like (not exactly the right word, but..) the assisted living place.  Moving back and forth between you and your sisters must be very hard on all of you.  What about someone who is in need of a place to stay, someone trustworthy who could live in the house with her so she wouldn't feel alone at night?  

[KMC56]

My heart goes out to you, and I Ireally really feel your frustration, pain and sadness.

Thi isnt a test of weather you keep your strength in your quit, its just a test on life, as a caregiver.you will have many emotion hurdels.

And you my friend are there for those you are caring for. 

Of course remain diligent in your quit, but keep healthy both physcically and mentally.  Reframing from smoking will give you that upper edge!

Prayers to you.

~Kathy

[elvan]

I certainly don't envy you this decision right now, I hope that your mother likes the assisted living place.  My mother was very shy and it was not easy for her to adjust but eventually, she became a part of the community.  I think your mother would be better off in assisted living than moving back and forth between homes.  It's hard on everyone for her to not just feel "settled".  I hope you find the right fit, home care is absurdly expensive.

Thinking of you, sending hugs.

Ellen

[Ralph1955]

Finally we have a resolution. Both mom and dad are going to an assisted living and will be together. Mom is sad about leaving her home and as of now dad doesn’t know. I know it’s going to take time for them to adjust and our hearts break for them but it’s the only reasonable decision to make sure they are safe and together. Difficult time all around.

[Barbscloud]

I think that's great that they're going to be together.  Makes it feel a little more normal for them.  Hope it works out for everyone.

Barb

[elvan]

Ralph1955‌ It is so nice that they can be together as long as the assisted living place provides adequate support for them, I think your mom might need some respite.  Try to take things from your parents home to the assisted living...pictures, knick knacks, things that are familiar.  It might help with the transition.

I should have kept reading, it sounds like you really have this under control.    Good for you, they are lucky to have such a wonderful son.

Hugs,

Ellen

[Giulia]

I'm glad a resolution has been made.  I can imagine how sad it is for your mom to leave her home.  A lot of history and a lot of memories there.  And giving up one's independence... it's all tough.  We're all going to face it for ourselves one day, assuming we aren't taken out by a lightening bolt.  I hope they will find comfort being there together.  And I hope you will sleep a little easier knowing that a decision has finally be made.