I quit smoking and was doing alright, then I got a crave. Not for cigarettes, but for dope. My mind started it's old pattern and I reached for a smoke. That's what I've always done when that happens. It gives me time to think before I act.
Than, I remembered. I don't smoke. I had pledged, not one puff ever this morning. I had pledged not one cigarette, no matter what.
I prayed. I prayed every prayer I could think of. I meditated and did my best to clear my mind. Nothing happened. My mind still whirled and twisted with disturbing thoughts.
On top of wanting a smoke, I wanted to experience the old feeling of getting high. I wanted a drink so bad I could taste it.
I called my sponsor. I told her what was going on and she said. You just have to get through it, however you have to. Sometimes, your recovery isn't in the right place to do something as big as quit smoking. I told her I had pledged Not One Puff Ever. I told her I has promised not one cigearette no matter what.
"This is something only you can decide. I can't tell you what to do." She said.
I did everything I had done before and nothing worked. I am NOT saying that smoking solved the problem, it didn't. I did smoke. It didn't make anything better except the temporary crave for a cigarette.
Clearly, there is something I need to work on in my recovery before I can quit. I do not believe I should have had such a strong urge to use.
I don't know when I'll be back. I just know, if I experience the desire to use that strongly again, I won't be able to stop myself. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice one to save the other. If I use, I will smoke anyway, so I may as well take care of the most immediate problem first.
