HARD HARD HARD!!

[RevTerrie]

First day of the new quit and I'm going crazy! I'm so stressed out! I have a job waiting for me now, but seminary transcripts aren't like getting college transcripts for a few dollars. You basically give a donation to the school because it's a religious organization when you get a copy and each place sets their own price. If I had $150 I'd have the transcripts and the agency where I'll be working would have them too. I went to a pastor that I've known for years who has a church and figured they would help me. They said that they can't. That's fine. The last thing I want to do is take money from a church that's planned for something else. If you knew how much I hate to ask anyone for anything you would understand. I'm much more comfortable doing the helping. I've done that for the better part of my life. I just never thought in August of 17 I was going to become deathly ill and not be able to digest food for two years, lose more than 170 pounds, become malnourished and dehydrated, have it affect my heart.... I didn't know if I would make it to the other side, but here I am. When I got down to 99 pounds I think God said this is enough because I started coming back. Now I want nothing more than to have my life back and I don't understand why I keep hitting walls. I always tell people that my word, my integrity, and my character mean everything to me and I will never do anything to tarnish those values. No matter what happens, I have to be able to face God and my grandparents at the end of the day and know that they're proud of me. This agency that wants to hire me really believes in me and what I can do and they're faith based. I lost everything from being sick and here's my way to get it back. Yet there's that one thing standing in my way. Fewer people reach out to others anymore because it seems like we're living in a trump world where the care that was once there is slowly being replaced by hate. I will never be able to be that person. I'll always reach out to others and help as much as I can. Today I want a cigarette more than anyone knows. I know that everything I need to finally get out of this house and back in my own and have everything go back to normal is hanging just out of reach in front of me right now. My parents have plenty of cigarettes laying around and I'm doing everything I can to stay away from them. Usually, I'm one of the best under pressure, but I think we're all human beings and can only take so much. I'm soon gonna lose the best opportunity that's come my way in a very long time and I don't know what to do. I feel like giving up, but I can't. I want it to much and I know that Pap can see me and I can't do that to him. He had all the faith in the world in me. He thought I could change the world if I tried and letting him down, and letting God down has never been an option. I'm here writing all this so I'm not standing in the kitchen smoking a cigarette. Please say a prayer for me because if I find a way and I start this job it will be life-changing for me. 

[zoer]

Sending a prayer for you. I've been where you are with day 1 and I hope that you made it thru the day without a smoke. I didn't think I'd make it the first few days, and still some days are very hard and I end up in tears, but I've made it to 33 days now. You can do this! Keep moving forward one step at a time, one day or hour or second at a time. Maybe ask your parents to keep the cigs somewhere that is out of sight/reach for you to make it easier? Come here and talk and vent. You are not alone in your struggle. 

Zoe

[YoungAtHeart]

Have you thought about a GoFundMe page for the $$$?  I might ask the pastors at local churches to draw parishioner's eyes to it?  Just a thought.  Or ask your local Boy Scout Troop, or other helping hand organization to help you do a fund raiser?  Could you put an ad in the local church bulletins to do yard work, or housework or car washing to earn the money you need?  Do you have any relatives you might ask for help?

I am so sorry for your struggles...but I ask that you think about smoking that first cigarette all the way through.  What, exactly, will it do for you that a quick walk, or a funny YouTube video, or singing your favorite hymns out loud won't?  You have to be disciplined about this in the early days.  Don;t argue with yourself about it.  Remember - stress is an excuse, not a reason, to smoke!

 I would also ask your parents to support your efforts and put their cigarettes, lighters and ashtrays out of your sight.

You did WELL to come here and vent instead of smoke.  I am proud of you!

Keep at it!    Get busy thinking about other things besides smoking.  You know one will only draw you back into its clutches...and cost you money that is better used for other things and your health.

Nancy

[Anonymous]

It won't take long to make 150.00 when you quit smoking . Also I think if they really think you are the best fit for the job you need to talk to them . I don't want to comment on the employment end here , because I don't know you . That you have to work out with your higher power , yourself and those hiring you and possibly your family . I do wish you the best and that things will work out . I will comment on the smoking end however . 

 I've been quit almost nine years , it wasn't easy . Sometimes we have to work hard . I think you need to quit and should quit and stay quit . There are no excuses good enough to smoke , really there just are not . Not many places hire people who smoke anymore.  Also it sounds like it's critical for your health . You can show gratitude you are still here and alive by not contaminating it with smoke . My guess is when you quit and stay quit everything else will fall into place . Health, finances , peace .  Remember you don't smoke what you don't buy or take . You can't smoke what you don't have . You can not be quit and smoke at the same time . Smoking is killing people off like flies .  Work with your higher power , accept support and encouragement from the site , and use the resources for knowledge , quit and stay quit . Look to your higher power for guidance . 

Reach out before you smoke .. THAT will help you with the support you need to get through . 

Maki .