First day of the new quit and I'm going crazy! I'm so stressed out! I have a job waiting for me now, but seminary transcripts aren't like getting college transcripts for a few dollars. You basically give a donation to the school because it's a religious organization when you get a copy and each place sets their own price. If I had $150 I'd have the transcripts and the agency where I'll be working would have them too. I went to a pastor that I've known for years who has a church and figured they would help me. They said that they can't. That's fine. The last thing I want to do is take money from a church that's planned for something else. If you knew how much I hate to ask anyone for anything you would understand. I'm much more comfortable doing the helping. I've done that for the better part of my life. I just never thought in August of 17 I was going to become deathly ill and not be able to digest food for two years, lose more than 170 pounds, become malnourished and dehydrated, have it affect my heart.... I didn't know if I would make it to the other side, but here I am. When I got down to 99 pounds I think God said this is enough because I started coming back. Now I want nothing more than to have my life back and I don't understand why I keep hitting walls. I always tell people that my word, my integrity, and my character mean everything to me and I will never do anything to tarnish those values. No matter what happens, I have to be able to face God and my grandparents at the end of the day and know that they're proud of me. This agency that wants to hire me really believes in me and what I can do and they're faith based. I lost everything from being sick and here's my way to get it back. Yet there's that one thing standing in my way. Fewer people reach out to others anymore because it seems like we're living in a trump world where the care that was once there is slowly being replaced by hate. I will never be able to be that person. I'll always reach out to others and help as much as I can. Today I want a cigarette more than anyone knows. I know that everything I need to finally get out of this house and back in my own and have everything go back to normal is hanging just out of reach in front of me right now. My parents have plenty of cigarettes laying around and I'm doing everything I can to stay away from them. Usually, I'm one of the best under pressure, but I think we're all human beings and can only take so much. I'm soon gonna lose the best opportunity that's come my way in a very long time and I don't know what to do. I feel like giving up, but I can't. I want it to much and I know that Pap can see me and I can't do that to him. He had all the faith in the world in me. He thought I could change the world if I tried and letting him down, and letting God down has never been an option. I'm here writing all this so I'm not standing in the kitchen smoking a cigarette. Please say a prayer for me because if I find a way and I start this job it will be life-changing for me.