Processing an urge

[DonnaMarie]

I was fixing lunch and had a really strong urge to smoke. I did not smoke, but wowsers, can those suckers (urges) be strong! What set me off is my question to myself. Bravo for resisting is the message to myself. Every urge resisted is one less urge to face and I'm that much stronger against the next one. 

Back to what set me off? I'm not sure. I typically do not smoke after meals, but I'm remembering that I sometimes would put dinner on to cook and step outside and smoke. Maybe that's it, even though this was just lunch for myself. 

The lesson for me to learn is to never let my guard down and think that I'm truly past all of the addictive junk. I must always be aware of the sneaky voice of the nicodemon.

On another note, I did take my walk today and my sister came out on her deck and smoked. I was distracted by the smell, even though it's upstairs and I'm walking on the ground. I noticed last night that I can smell it inside sometimes when she smokes outside. I am not going to tell her or ask her not to smoke on her own deck; she lives here with us and that's her space. As I was walking, I told myself I need to associate that smell with something like vomit or something that would make me want to vomit and to not be tempted, that it's not a good smell. 

Okay, that's my brain drain for now. 

Still strong on day 5. 

[elvan]

Great blog DonnaMarie‌, the smell of cigarette smoke gets more and more apparent after we quit...it is amazing how it can follow us around.   Someone outside smokes and it can be smelled inside.  Someone lights up in a parking lot five cars away from my car and I can smell it.  The absolute WORST is the smell of a smoker who is not smoking but whose clothes and hair and skin smell like old smoke.  I reminds me of the litter box...not one of my favorite smells.

Good for you, getting your walk in and realizing that you have passed THAT crave...it will be back but it will eventually give up as long as you don't.  It gets easier!

Ellen

[AnnetteMM]

You recognized an urge, processed it and figured out where it came from, and acknowledged it.  That's awesome!  Now you know all about that one, and can go on to the next. 

[DonnaMarie]

Wonder what it is about day 5 that is making me an urge monster? Every time I turn around, I have a "want." And truth be told, I DON'T WANT! 

I've got this secret plan. I'll call my son in Maryland. He's 3+ hours away. I'll tell him I'm on my way if he doesn't mind an overnight visitor. That will give me not only a visit with my son, but 6+ hours of driving where I can smoke and no one will know. 

What???? 

Second secret plan is I'll tell my friend, Robin, who's having a tough time right now that I can come over and spend the night if she needs me to. She said she's fine, but that would have been a whole night of smoking and no one would know.

What?

These are things that actually went through my head. I didn't call my son, but I did call my friend. By the time I was done talking to her, I had already decided not to go through with the smoking if she did want me to come over. 

Frickin' urges. And plans. And what is the deal with no one knowing? I'll know. That's why I won't do it. 

It's like there's someone or something inside of me telling me I'm not as safe as I think I am. I'll be glad when it's tomorrow. For now, I'm gathering all my mojo to ride these waves of idiocy and get to the other side. 

[AnnetteMM]

Addiction is shame-filled and sneaky!  Okay...since you no longer have nicotine in your system (is that true?  no patch or gum or anything?) I think "cravings" are more like memories at this point.

[DonnaMarie]

No nicotine. I'm having surgery next Friday, so want it all gone, including the chemicals, way before then. I've learned that nicotine is something that can hamper healing. I already have diabetes and am 63, so I don't need any other healing problems   Plus, though I did buy lozenges and used them the first day, I don't want to quit twice. I'm all for whatever works, but cold turkey seems to be the best option for me.

And yeah, addiction is trying to shame me into doing things I won't do. As someone elsewhere mentioned, I'm the boss of me. 

[elvan]

Yeah, you ARE the boss of you and YOU are the one you have to answer to...you are doing this, those craves are not going to just "poof", go away.  It takes time and practice saying NOPE.  I did some of the things you are talking about on FAILED quits.  I used to go to the store, walk the dog, send everyone ELSE away.  OMG, what a way to live...it was horrible.  I felt so dishonest...because I WAS. 

Ellen

[Danisty]

I've done these things on my failed quits too.  I honestly have never really believed others didn't know.  I tell myself they wouldn't, but I feel like I'm probably somehow giving it away and they just don't say anything.

[elvan]

Danisty‌ Anyone with a sense of smell has to know.  I tried to pretend that they didn't because I only smoked outside and I went to great lengths to clean my hands and my face so I wouldn't smell like smoke.  What a joke.  It's a whole lot easier to be FREE from smoking.

[DonnaMarie]

I would wash my hands, arms, and sometimes use a wet washcloth to give my hair a good going over. What a little sneak. And the reality is, I wasn't fooling anyone, I'm sure, and certainly not myself. 

I smell like me today. I'm good with that!