41 and counting

Discussion created by 12Finally34 on Aug 31, 2017
Latest reply on Sep 17, 2017 by Giulia

Hello everyone!

Thanks for all the support and education about my nicotine addiction.  

Before my quit date (7/21), I was in a hopeless state of mind.  Now, as I sit, type and feel, I am truly grateful that I have stopped paying for something to kill me.  My sponsor is serious but funny (nicotine meetings).  When loneliness creeps in, I have outlets and tools to say what I mean but say it without being mean.  I beat myself up with a feather instead of a boulder.  I am working on not being so in charge of my life and stop putting out fires created by past traumas.

Reading one of the medical blog, Dr. Hayes refers to a word Anhedonia.  I identify with it.  I was going through motion of living but receiving no organic or orgasmic meaning, feelings from the actions.  Anything I did was void of true feeling and enjoyment and rewards. With cigarette between my lips, I played the role of victim, low self esteem and neediness.

My daughter accused me of buying approval instead of sharing feelings.  She was partially right.  Sitting in a smoke filled room, peeking out a window had more pleasure than trying to interact with another human being. I rather shove what ever coins I could collect at a person, place or thing then socialize.

I am 66 and the biggest Pollyanna for Love.  I smoke a lot of cigarettes being in love with emotionally unavailable people, places and things.  

OK enough of looking back at pain and suffering. I am probably mourning that I have to go back to work (9/5) without a cigarette.   It will be a process feeling and dealing with post traumatic stress and volunteered victimization.  Smoking only postpone the feelings and the reality.   Balance is what I am missing for today. 

So, let me end with positive actions. Didn't Take the First Puff!!  Gave to Red Cross for Texas' catastrophe.  Working with my community to prepare and send donations/clothing to Texas.  Breathe very deeply when feeling hurt or sad.  Clumsily and aggressively giving myself credit when I let go of mines and others drama. Slowly changing what I can and leaving the rest to the universe.

Tonight, I do not go to bed with emotional secrets and grateful I can breathe.