41 and counting

[12Finally34]

Hello everyone!

Thanks for all the support and education about my nicotine addiction.  

Before my quit date (7/21), I was in a hopeless state of mind.  Now, as I sit, type and feel, I am truly grateful that I have stopped paying for something to kill me.  My sponsor is serious but funny (nicotine meetings).  When loneliness creeps in, I have outlets and tools to say what I mean but say it without being mean.  I beat myself up with a feather instead of a boulder.  I am working on not being so in charge of my life and stop putting out fires created by past traumas.

Reading one of the medical blog, Dr. Hayes refers to a word Anhedonia.  I identify with it.  I was going through motion of living but receiving no organic or orgasmic meaning, feelings from the actions.  Anything I did was void of true feeling and enjoyment and rewards. With cigarette between my lips, I played the role of victim, low self esteem and neediness.

My daughter accused me of buying approval instead of sharing feelings.  She was partially right.  Sitting in a smoke filled room, peeking out a window had more pleasure than trying to interact with another human being. I rather shove what ever coins I could collect at a person, place or thing then socialize.

I am 66 and the biggest Pollyanna for Love.  I smoke a lot of cigarettes being in love with emotionally unavailable people, places and things.  

OK enough of looking back at pain and suffering. I am probably mourning that I have to go back to work (9/5) without a cigarette.   It will be a process feeling and dealing with post traumatic stress and volunteered victimization.  Smoking only postpone the feelings and the reality.   Balance is what I am missing for today. 

So, let me end with positive actions. Didn't Take the First Puff!!  Gave to Red Cross for Texas' catastrophe.  Working with my community to prepare and send donations/clothing to Texas.  Breathe very deeply when feeling hurt or sad.  Clumsily and aggressively giving myself credit when I let go of mines and others drama. Slowly changing what I can and leaving the rest to the universe.

Tonight, I do not go to bed with emotional secrets and grateful I can breathe.

12Finally34/Carolyn

[maryfreecig]

Way to go! Happy 41 days of finding your way out and up.

[elvan]

This is lovely, Carolyn.  ALL of it, the way you put yourself out there and the way you are focusing on helping others.  I am really proud of you.  This is a journey and there are some big bumps in the road and some holes we can fall into if we are not careful...let's be careful.  

I hope you had a beautiful night's sleep.  I hope that returning to work smoke free will actually be MUCH easier than you are imagining. I worried about that too because I quit smoking when work was on break...I had only been quit for about two weeks when I went back. It's not like I smoked at work but I did smoke during breaks...outside...away from the building, it was getting farther and farther away. My friend was annoyed with me because I wouldn't go with her, I told her my quit came first.  It was nowhere near as hard as I expected.

Hugs,

Ellen

[12Finally34]

Hi Ellen

Back to work (47 days) and I am awkwardly practicing loving my self, my job and my smobriety.  

I am hoping and praying for  all Ex community in the eye of the bad weather.   Our union has started drives to help 

Short explanation.  I have 3 years from retirement.  These next 3 years i want to be an advocate for my students with special needs and parents.  I deliver services in a heavy populated and poverty stricken area where most of my students are Second Language Learner, immigrants, homeless with a host of other social and emotional issues.  Their contract between the DOE (Dept of Ed) and parents are not being honored.    Before I take that first puff I have to ramble.  

I don't want to continue to follow oral directions that jeopardize my license and breaking the Medicaid's guidelines and law.  What is the problem?  Delivering service in a classroom without the parents' awareness or signature in the change of service is a serious violation to an informed parent.

Bringing it to the now, I am afraid if I advocate for my students and parent, the authority will make my year a living hell.  These are Level 1 (performing below the 65% average) students who may not go to college but could receive benefit in learning how to apply for a job, credit card, receiving emotional and social support and doing an interview.  Some need to learn crossing the street safely or buying and doing basic things in a store.  

Because I am so new in quitting I need to learn to be at peace and learn the difference between aggressive vs assertive decision making. I want to practice the meditation rather than emotional thinking and action.  

I have the solutions and the rights to report these practices but I feel like I would be so alone in my fight. However, I want to make a change without the emotions and not personalize the other person's reaction towards my actions of self love.  Turning fear into faith is overwhelming!!

If there is anyone with a child with special need I would like to hear how they fought for their students services.  

Carolyn

[elvan]

12Finally34‌ You give me great hope for the future...I mean that.  Not every person is supposed to have a college education, not every person CAN compete on the same level.  My heart hurts for those kids who fall through the cracks.  Those kids whose parents are not aware of things that are available to them.  I have a nephew who was diagnosed before middle school with the most profound dyslexia the testing site had ever seen...he also had an auditory processing problem.  His parents were very proactive and they paid for the testing and fought the school's recommendation to put him on ADHD medication.  My sister said she did not feel that was the problem and refused.  Because she was so proactive, he has thrived and he HAS gone to college and gotten a graduate degree in art and graphic design.  He sees things differently from the way most do.  Parents need to know that there are programs available and people like you are the key to helping.  It's a HUGE order, my friend.  Smoking would not help.

Ellen

[12Finally34]

Thanks Ellen,

I read your blog and it gave me courage. 

 For now, as I get involve with work, I do not have the craving.

 As I keep to my pledge to give my students the best, I will make  studying my disease a priority.  For me to relax, I will give the triggers and cravings opportunities to be  insidious and cunny.  I do not want to forget that there is no cure for this addiction.  If I am diligent, I can live a day at a time without taking my first puff

Have a great week and thanks for that powerful story.

Carolyn

[indingrl]

Congrats Carolyn keep on keeping on and thank you for sharing and helping ME to stay quit no matter with you!

[Daniela2016]

Congratulations on 41 DOFs Carolyn, I was about that far in my quit when I joined this community!  they kept me honest, helped me recognize the triggers, and gently guided me through the process.  They helped me where I am today, 548 DOFs and will do the same for you!

[Giulia]

You have much to offer to others in life.  And have been.  I'm glad you're not shortening yours by smoking.  

[12Finally34]

Hi 

Checking in and thank you.  I truly try to be helpful and hopeful for those who struggle.  Without smoking, I am learning to just listen without a cigarette hanging between my lips.  I am also attending the nicotine meeting and meeting people who are just starting the journey or struggling with staying stopped.  Every chance I get, I mention this site and Allan Carr's book.