screw everything: please read and reply, i need support now!

[missy8]

ok for real...i am at my wit's end and fighting the ultimate battle right now. i was out tonight with coworkers, and my friend from high school is in town (although i didn't see him yet, for some reason that gives me a reason to think i can "party"). yah i haven't seen him yet, but i am looking at everything right now as an excuse to smoke. i have done well, but i set myself back 2 weeks ago after 11 offical days. you know everyone says "good job missy, 13 days! keep it up you can do it!" etc etc, and i SO appreciate the support, but seriously that won't stop me from beating someone up (not literally) for a smoke right now. I want one badly, but i don't want one, ya know? My friend who was smoking tonight when i was with her, yah she kept saying how she envies me, and she was one who gave me a smoke 2 weeks ago without really knowing the status of my quit. Tonight I yelled out my friend's car window at the top of my lungs, i threatened to fight my friends, i said i would jump out at a stop light and reach thru my friend's car window behind us for her smokes, i said i would do whatever it took to get a smoke after i warned everyone not to serve me with cigs...and i always reiterated that i wasn't totally serious, and i wouldn't beat anyone up, or jump thru windows, or any of the other stuff...but i did yell at the top of my lungs thru the window and my friend told me to do it as much as i needed. so i told them if i had email on my phone while we were out i would've blogged so my quitter friends could support me and encourage me in the right direction. now i'm home, i'm a little buzzed, but i'm more thinking about "what i'm missing out on", and believe me, i know it ain't shit, but the little demons in my brain are still making me feel bad, so i'm reaching out to you right now to help me thru this as i sit at home wondering if the gas station across the street is open...so many of my blogs get jack shit as a response...please don't leave me alone now. my birthday is in 1 week and i was just named cheerleading coach at my school...i do not want to have a set back at a special time!

[missy8]

thank youy karen, you are right, and i am goihg to put myself to bed so i can just try to forget about it and progam myself to think sleep instead of smoke. i appreciate your words and assistance as i battle this tonight, and it's because of you and a few others that i have maintained my non smoking status and will persevere for another day!

[manofsteele]

wow the demon knows how to twist reality ....smoking sucks.... funny thing is it laughs at you when you are weak... it wants you weak ..... its the only way it can survive .......makes you think you want to yell and scream to voluntarily poison yourself , put extra smokers wrinkles on your purdy face, make you smell like crap, quicken the likelihood of a heart attack and wont give a shit about ya in the hospital if you have to deal with cancer chemo, radiation Dr's visits or sucking air through tubes.

You are to special to give in any more ...no matter ...who .... what.... where ....lame excuse you can come up with at any time. Believe in being the best you can be and smoking wont be a part of it any more ...... the only way you TRULY lose out on anything is when you lose out on being in control and being smoke free....

sleep .... and tell your cigs to F off once and for all ...u deserve better ...dont u think?

[stephen3]

I was asleep... Don't make me have to go out of town for 9 days and worry about you. If you got through your first night of partying without smoking then you can do this. I know the feeling. I have a store across the street too, and I have come home buzzed and had that empty feeling too, but I didn't smoke and I hope neither did you last night... If you did then you are going to wake up with a possible hangover which will not be as bad as the guilt and anger from giving in.
C'mon baby, I need you to be strong right now! Think of me 9 days with about 20 or so people.Most of which I don't like. In a city that I've never been to before. No loved ones around, no computer,nothing from home..... I'm not going to smoke. You're not going to smoke.
Have a peaceful week and I will see you when I get back, and you better be ok!

[edith2]

You are going to look at this time in the future and laugh at yourself. Don't forget what you're going through so you don't have to go through this again. What you're going through is normal as insane as it may seem, but you will get through this tough time. You're putting it down in words and that will give you a better perspective than if you keep it bottled up. I think you're doing great.

[missy8]

you are all right and i have heeded everything that has been said to me while i had a power struggle last night. i made it thru smoke free and as i look back on it now i realize that i must have looked so dumb to people, letting a f*ckin cancer stick make me act out so badly. It's ok though, because i got it out and allowed myself to share my vulnerability with people going thru it on here. My friends that were with me were very supportive of me and would never have let me smoke, but one girl whom i do not really know (she is new to our school) said she hadn't smoked for at least 6 months and then started again when she started working with us. she sat across from me and said, "just have one, you'll be ok!" i flat out told her no way, it wasn't an option for me anymore, and i would NOT reset my counter on my page a second time when i am hitting the 2 week mark once again. there's no way i will give into that shit anymore, because i am a strong ass female who will not let some little demon control my mind. there will be times though when it will get tough, and i'll be ready because I made it thru this one unscathed and it made me that much stronger! I cannot allow this thing to break me again; how could i get on this site and read blogs and discussions fron people in need as i was and give advice and support when i can't even keep it together? no one would listen to that person, and i don't want it to be me. i am an educator, a coach, a role model, etc, and this cannot be a part of my life anymore if i am going to tell these kids that all it does is ruin your life. thank you to all who have responded to this, i am extremely grateful for all of you, and as always together we will get thru! I am a quitter, and that will not change no matter how beat up i may get on occasion from this stupid little demon! I am in charge, and I will win in the end! 🙂

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[polly2]

hey there Missy! This addiction is very much a mental addiction as well as a physical one. The nicodemon's creep in sometimes unexpectedly. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to think about the mental aspect of this. All the time that you smoked, you fed your mind with the thoughts that you enjoyed smoking, it relieved stress, it calmed you down, it perked you up, etc. The fact is that cigarettes are slowly poisoning you. Do you realize that cigarettes contain arsenic, ammonia, acetone (nail polish remover), carbon monoxide and so many other pollutants? These tobacco companies are literally getting away with murder and our government isn't doing a danged thing about it. It's important that you pump thoughts into your mind to reverse the thoughts that you had while smoking. I always tell myself that smoking is not an option for me. If it is not an option, then there is no need to think about it further. Cravings are a good thing, even though they don't feel like it. It means that your body and mind are both healing! Cravings won't kill you but smoking can and will. I smoked for 39 years minus God knows how many quits...The longest I made it was for a year. I fell right back into the trap while drinking beer -- just one cigarette and I was back to being a full blown smoker. I'm almost 51 now and I am very blessed not to have any smoking related diseases. Yet, that is not always the case. There was a 32 year old who came in here and had lost 15% of her lung capacity to breathe. Do you want to end up like that? Depending on our genetics, smoking can kill both young and old...I for one don't want to be walking around with an oxygen tank, do you? I'm giving you a little bit of tough love here...Stress can't put a cigarette into your mouth and light it up. Only you can do that...Staying positive and being proud of your accomplishment is the best possible thing to do for yourself!! You CAN do this -- heck, if I can after 39 years of hard core smoking, you can too!! Just as we change our physical routines, we also have to change our mental outlook! Tell yourself that there is no such thing as one cigarette for me. Also, put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you get a craving give it a good snap. You'll notice that the rubber band hurts, but smoking really doesn't! Don't let your mind wander off and dwell on smoking -- that is where the nicodemon lies in waiting...Instead keep your mind busy and think of all of the benefits of being a non-smoker. You might want to write a list of pros and cons. The pros always outweigh the cons! If you do that it would be a good idea for you to carry that around and remember why you quit in the first place!! Do as much reading as you can on both www.whyquit.com and www.quitsmokingonline.com . Both of these sites deal with the nicodemon and how to get around it! You've come too far to just fall back into the trap. You don't want to be my age and still smoking do you? If you feel anxious, check out www.meditainment.com . This site has a free guided relaxation meditation that is awesome!! It will help to clear your mind. Also exercise go out and run and feel the breath in your lungs!! How much farther can you run now even just after a short time of not smoking? I hope this helps you!! I'm going to leave you with a video that everyone here should watch. It really makes you stop and think about what you are doing to your body...Keep on keepin on -- it is so worth it and so are YOU!!! If I can be of any more help whatsoever, feel free to drop me a post, OK? Hang tough and it will get better!! You got through a bad night, which is awesome!! Take good care of yourself -- you are the only you that you've got!

[barbara42]

YOU GO GIRL, it is not how many times we get knocked down that counts, it is how many times we get right back up and still fight and overcome. We can do it and we will do it TOGETHER! PEACE1

[barbara42]

YOU GO GIRL, it is not how many times we get knocked down that counts, it is how many times we get right back up and still fight and overcome. We can do it and we will do it TOGETHER! PEACE1

[hillary]

oh boy alcohol is a toughy. unfortunately i am an alcoholic/addict, fortunately i am in recovery though, 4 years so i feel you there. if you made through that night then you are ready for anything. it is a nasty habit and my prayers go out to you. sounds like you have really good support and that is a blessing. are you using any kind of help like gum or patches? maybe check into that sort of thing. if your not then wow your doing awsome and keep remembering the benefits you have, but at the same time dont forget how nasty they are. thats been a huge factor in my recovery is always remembering where i came from and how horrible it is out there, which i dont like to do, but for me its a must if i want to live. i havent set a quit date yet and i am scared but hey if all these people can do it then so can i and so can you. hillary