On week 4 and feeling disheartened...

[o2run]

I just found this place today. Thankfully. I almost just went out and bought a pack but I just keep thinking of the feeling AFTER I have that first puff if I did. I know I would be so upset with myself. I know I would regret it so horribly and it would put me right back to the start of the past miserable 3 weeks. I read Allen Carr's Easy way (listened actually) - it took me several months to read it, I kept putting it off. I was a secret smoker. Only a few people in my life knew that I did, and I took great precautions to keep it that way. I have always been a very healthy person, a long distance runner, and I'm a therapist (counselor). Besides the occasional cigarette in college when I was in Europe, I was someone that thought smoking was gross and stinky. Then 4 years ago when I met my ex husband, life took a downhill turn, and I stopped taking care of myself. I started joining him on the porch for a cigarette. I never bought my own, just had one of his once in awhile. That turned of course into the gradual and sneaky (and constantly justifying) habit that had me chain smoking my own American Spirits on the porch. Besides smoking with one of my best friends who helped the justification (she was healthy, active, fit) I only smoked at home. When I left my husband I assumed I would quit, but I didn't. It became my safe haven and routine. Since my office is next to my house I literally set up my sessions so I could have a nice block of time in the morning to sit outside, play a mindless game on my phone, and smoke cigarette after cigarette. I had a routine around keeping the secret- I went so far as to wear a hat and coat I only used to smoke in and even wear a plastic glove bc I hated the smell on my fingers. And then of course I scrubbed my face and mouth afterwards. 

I didn't know I was going to write a whole story here. I guess I'm just so disheartened bc I still feel the cravings. I don't want to smoke, I know I will regret it, and I've come this far- but I am so ready to not have that gnawing feeling in my chest/ back of throat that wants that relief. I have it every day. The first week was hell with other physical symptoms like basically not being able to function, but this gnawing feeling has not gone away. I'm trying to stay focused on the feeling of the run I went on the afternoon I made the decision- Feb 12. I went for a trail run and tried to pay attention to the shortage of my lung capacity and how little I could do (I think I ran about 3 miles and walked a bunch of it). I went on the same trail on Monday which was my 3 week mark. I ran 5 miles and felt fantastic. I know if I keep going I'm going to feel like my old self again somewhere down the line. But I didn't quite feel like Allen Carr had talked about. I'm kind of mad at him actually. I feel like he tricked me into thinking I'd feel like I new person in 3 weeks. In fact, that's exactly what he says. So I was holding off crossing days off on the calendar to get to 3 weeks. And I did it. But as I sit here typing I feel that heavy feeling/ craving still. 

Pounding my feet on the dirt is the only thing that drowns out this craving feeling. I have trouble concentrating and it's affecting my work and everything. I even started drinking more in the evenings to try to numb out that feeling. And THAT is certainly not a habit I can start. I've been trying to take a bunch of supplements to help as well. I love neuroscience and it's been helpful to learn as much as I can about the nicotine receptors, but I just assumed by now I would only be getting an occasional pang. I have the feeling pretty much all day long. 

My question is... I would love to hear your experiences around surviving these cravings, anything that helped? And how to deal with this frustration of COME ON already! It IS going to go away right? I have always been a massive wimp when it comes to discipline of uncomfortable feelings like this. I am so proud I made it this far but I feel like I'm hanging on a depression inducing thin thread. 

Any inspiration appreciated! Thank you. 

[shashort]

Hello  welcome to the commmunity and so happy you found this site before you went to buy those nasty things and then start at day one again.  Cngratulations on making it into thr 4th week.  Do all the reading and blog all you need to get through the cravings and those gnawing pains oh yes I remember them so well . Don't worry they will eventually go away just keep staying strong and you win this success to freedom. You are so worth this journey to take your life back into control.

[hattonc]

I wish I was at my 3 week mark for quitting. That took a lot of courage for you to post .  Thanks for sharing it really helped... I was suppose to quit 2 weeks ago but my mother died and I guess I'm using smoking as a crutch.. I quit for 2 years and started back in February 2016. Been a year.. I hate it.. The smell.. I try to hide too. I'm so very disappointed .. I feel like I not only let myself down but my kids also.. Everyone was so proud of me.. I use to run also and loved the gym but I know you can't be healthy and smoke.. So I have to make a choice... I need support.. Ur doin great!! I use to take slow deep breaths when I felt a craving .. But what helped even more was the people I worked around hated cigarettes an so it was easier ... I want the strength that I had before to quit again and this time forever .. 

[o2run]

Well it sounds like you are going to be a non smoker again very soon! Thank you for the support and for your story. I'm so sorry about your mother passing, you shouldn't judge yourself so harshly ! If anything you deserve a lot of compassion right now. Actually, one of the ironic things that kept me in it (I was telling myself pretty much every week for a year I was going to quit the next day)  was the power it held bc it was "something for me" "I deserved to relax, have a minute, have that break, that escape, that release and get away moment" from the hard things I was facing or expectations of myself. I think it had so much power bc I was being hard on myself without realizing it, and the smoking was the compassionate friend who had my back without judgment in that moment. The "I deserve this relief!" Voice. So it wasn't until I finally starting owning up to the fact that what I was getting from my "deserved for me rebellious moments" was actually more loss. Being in the field I am, I realized I had a voice in my head that sounded just like the voice an adict will listen to- the excuses, giving up things, choosing to avoid things or so no to things bc it was going to get in the way of my primary relationship- with nicotine. I had so many excuses bc I'm still relatively young and healthy (40 is coming soon though!) 

anyway- the whole point is I hear in your voice the thing that kept me in it. That cycle of judgment on yourself at the same time being in personal pain of loss. You need comfort right now. And if you don't comfort yourself in real compassionate ways another part of you is going to find a way to. Hence the smoking. It makes so much sense. You did 2 years. Inspiring and amazing. I really think that the psychological part of smoking has so much to do with that deep desire to be nurtured and cared for ourselves, to have that moment to stop and be okay. I know i can't go completely back to the old me 5 years ago bc it wouldn't work. Most of my meaning and self worth being built around helping others and doing what "I'm supposed to do". The running and nature, sure helped my self esteem but really truly is no longer about an accomplishment (ok not completely true) but it was the feeling of being completely me, completely ok. Like standing on top of a mountain and watching the sunrise and breathing fresh air. That's being alive, ok, nurtured, and has nothing to do with your expectations of yourself or what you think others expect of you. So I'm trying to make sure I'm focusing on getting that nurturing feel good rather than just be the person I and others expect me to be. It's falling into that mindset that pulls up that rebellious voice of "you deserve this!"

Obviously this turned a bit into a morning journal entry and crazily enough I typed this on my phone gah! So I'm sure it's all over the place but I guess I wanted to say thank you. And like the folks said above- talk to yourself like you would your best friend. 

And gosh i cant wait to not be sitting here in the morning and not have that urge to go sit outside and puff that poison! 

[Thomas3.20.2010]

You can also get that supportiveness from your fellow Quitters at https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/positive-affirmations-and-support?sr=search&searchId=a7201... and https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/message/74666-love-yourself-chapter-2?sr=search&searchId=71118db5...‌. There is a group of people who come every day to share support and self-love affirmations. Please visit! It could help! hattonc‌

[crazymama_Lori]

here's my story:  /blogs/crazymama_Lori-blog/2016/05/10/just-for-you-newbies-and-those-in-nml-no-mans-land 

[stAn3]

The first time I quit, I went cold turkey. The first few weeks were hell (the first month). I felt better after that.

Things that helped me in the past are regular exercise and energy supplements like multivitamins,Vitamin D3, and drinking plenty of water. To stay abstinent long-term, I have to do these things because I have chronic, mild depression, and it is a trigger. The tiredness and uncomfortable feelings from depression have led me to relapse in the past just to get a little relief. (By the way, it was never worth it. The pain caused my smoking was much worse than sitting through a few hours or days of depression symptoms.) By focusing on the underlying symptoms (the tiredness and depression), I found strength in my recovery. I discovered that I did not need nicotine for energy.

The other thing I did, which is less healthy,was to increase my caffeine intake significantly. But that is basically trading one stimulant addiction for another. It works short-term but becomes a problem long-term.

Right now I am coming off of my latest relapse. I am using nicotine replacement because I hate the withdrawal symptoms that come with the early phase of quitting. My challenge now is to get the healthy habits in place (dismissing cravings, separating triggering situations from smoking, and exercising) before I get off of the nicotine replacement.

Stick with your quit! You will feel better soon!

If not, there might be some underlying issue that you need to address with a doctor or mental health professional.

[hattonc]

blockquote, div.yahoo_quoted { margin-left: 0 !important; border-left:1px #715FFA solid !important; padding-left:1ex !important; background-color:white !important; } Thank u for replying .. I'm really in a battle with this an I don't know why.,,I truly hate smoking.. Hiding from everyone , the smell. Etc..,I can work all day without smoking .. Don't even think about it.. But with time on my hands .. I smoke a lot., I want to b healthy again . Lose weight .. I manage to do it for 2 years .. Felt great... How long have I been quit?

Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

[JonesCarpeDiem]

smoking isn't a reward. It's been built into your routine and psyche but it isn't truth.

hang in there.

[KMC56]

Welcome to the community.  What your experiencing is the same for all of us....I smoked for 40 years, and celebrated my 60th b day last summer smoke free.  In over a month, I'll have made it through one year.  My mantra has always been keeping it real one day at a time.   I'm now thinking like a non smoker, than an ex smoker.  What would a non smoker do???   

You'll be surprisingly pleased at yourself, as the craves fade away!!!

Stay with all of us...and become an EX!

Kathy

[elvan]

o2run‌ Are you still with us?  I don't remember seeing any recent blogs from you.  It is normal to feel disheartened at the beginning of your quit, it's a journey, one step at a time and baby steps count!