Fell Off the Wagon

[missellen]

Ugh. Well, I did it, I smoked. I pretty much knew I was going to. I fought it for a few days, but not hard enough. I didn't come here much, I didn't talk to anyone IRL about it, I gave myself a few half-hearted "pep" talks and then went and bought a pack.  

I knew I was giving in to the addict part of me and I DIDN'T CARE  -- that's what's so disturbing about it.  WHY didn't I care?  Why didn't I care enough about myself and my quit to fight it?  To come here, where I know there is overwhelming support?  To talk to my husband or my mom who are huge supporters of me and my quit?  I'm not entirely sure. I wanted to smoke is ultimately the bottom line.  I wanted to smoke and I didn't want to smoke, but the wanting beat out the not wanting.

So, after nearly two weeks of being quit cold turkey, when the nicotine was presumably all flushed out of my system, I smoked to beat the band. I smoked until I felt sick (on purpose). I smoked and smoked and smoked all on the down low, I might add. Not in the house, not around anyone, but in my car in a parking lot while it was still dark out in the morning--like a fugitive; a criminal. Because that is how I felt.

After smoking like a chimney, I threw the remainder of the pack and the lighter away. I went to the car wash and cleaned the inside of the car--cleaned the windows, the dash, vacuumed it out and sprayed it with sandalwood spray.

I stopped in the store and restocked up on cinnamon gum and lemons.  The hubby was nice enough to buy me m&m's and good and plenty and a very sweet card telling me how proud he was of me (um, can you say guilt) yesterday. I'll have to fess up when he wakes up.

I came home and threw my clothes in the washer and took a shower.

And now, here I sit, with a nice, tall glass of ice cold lemon water and feeling like a jerk. But, I can't allow this to lead me into smoking full time again. I can't. I won't. My gym bag is already packed up for the morning and I'm busy for a lot of today, so that will help. I have to go reset my quit day now. I'm now just about an hour into my quit.

[NoLongeraSlave]

I have to comment on your description of how people nag you and then you want to smoke more than anything. YES!  Just don't ask me how I am doing.  Don't remind me of cigarettes and please don't agitate me, lol.  My oldest sister (who doesn't really understand social media) replied publicly to my "I'm quitting smoking one way or another" post.  She has never smoked.  She said something to the effect of how 20 years ago when my kids would come visit her she would make them take baths and then wash their clothes because they stunk so bad from my smoking.  For the world to see!  Really?  THAT'S what you want to say about my decision to quit? UGH!  She didn't realize others besides me could see her reply, but it really ticked me off and made me want to smoke more than ever just to piss her off and show her up, lol.  (I deleted her comment).

[missellen]

Oh yeah, I have.  I can have a snack that I like, watch a program that I like, read something, make something, take a nap, etc.  There are a lot of things I can reward myself with.  But, I "rewarded" myself for 30+ years with cigs, multiple times a day! It's just a matter of relearning and realigning my thinking.

Yesterday afternoon, hubs and I went to see a documentary by a local filmmaker--we live in Cleveland- (about the victims of Anthony Sowell who escaped him).  Then we went to one of our fave restaurants, Tommy's in Cleveland Heights--they have thee best milkshakes and I had one. Tommy's is attached to a bookstore, so we went there as well, and I found a book I had been waiting on to come out in paperback--so, I bought it. 

It was rewards-filled day actually.  Not that I needed to be rewarded for relapsing, but it felt good to be out and about and doing normal things without a cigarette attached.

[missellen]

Thanks, Michelle.  It's hard, isn't it?  I mean, we knew that going in, of course, but goodness there are days...

But yes, here's to us starting again and sticking to it! 

[missellen]

Oh geez, no need to apologize at all, Cricket!  It's good to read other's experiences.

[Cricket]

Missellen,  Please forgive and love yourself, you WILL be OKAY!!

[elvan]

missellen‌ This journey is filled with making NEW memories and finding new rewards that are really rewards and not things that are trying to kill us.  JOURNEY...I lost track of how many times I had to start over before this time.  I can tell you that having more than four years under my belt is a seriously good feeling.  I beat myself up over and over and over again, never did any good, what DID do good was and is this site and the support, the education, the interaction with others...it is worth every single moment of angst...your day sounds like it was pretty spectacular.

Ellen

[GyorgyiM]

Scary Facts About Formaldehyde in Cigarette Smoke

When the cravings hit cha'.....

Check this out at www.verywellmind.com.....freaked me out a bit, and strengthened my convictions  regarding how horrible cigarettes truly are........Eeeeeeek !

[anaussiemom]

It's in a lot of things.  It is  in make up nail polish, which is either inhaled, or given thru the pores of your skin  

[GyorgyiM]

Yes, and this is only ONE chemical out of hundreds that are found in cigs....

[anaussiemom]

OH yes! Many and more..

Chemicals in tobacco cigarette smoke

• Acetaldehyde: suspected carcinogen.
• Acetone: irritant: can cause kidney and liver damage.
• Acrolein: extremely toxic.
• Acrylonitrile: suspected human carcinogen.
• 1-aminonaphthalene: causes cancer.
• 2-aminonaphthalene: causes bladder cancer.
• Ammonia: raises blood pressure.
• Benzene: carcinogen.
• Benzo[a]pyrene: mutagenic and highly carcinogenic
• 1,3-Butadiene: suspected carcinogen.
• Butyraldehyde: damages the lining of nose and lungs.
• Cadmium: a heavy metal and highly toxic
• Carbon Monoxide: decreases heart and muscle function.
• Catechol: causes respiratory tract irritation and dermatitis.
• Chromium: heavy metal and carcinogen.
• Cresol: causes upper respiratory, nasal and throat irritation.
• Crotonaldehyde: thought to interfere with immune function.
• Formaldehyde: carcinogen
• Hydrogen Cyanide: lethal poison
• Hydroquinone: affects central nervous system effects.
• Isoprene: irritates skin,eyes and mucous membranes.
• Lead: causes brain damage
• Methyl Ethyl Ketone: depresses the central nervous system.
• Nickel: causes bronchial asthma and is a known carcinogen.
• Nicotine: increases in heart rate and blood pressure, addictive element
• Nitric Oxide: linked to Huntington’s, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease and asthma.
• NNN, NNK, and NAT: known or possible carcinogens
• Phenol: damages the the liver, kidneys; respiratory, cardiovascular and central nervous system.
• Polonium - radioactive*
• Propionaldehyde: skin, eye and respiratory system irritant
• Pyridine: causes eye and upper respiratory tract irritation
• Quinoline: causes genetic damage and is a possible carcinogen
• Resorcinol: skin and eye irritant
• Styrene: carcinogen
• Toluene: linked to permanent brain damage. 

... and thousands of other chemicals....

EEK!!