Fell Off the Wagon

[missellen]

Ugh. Well, I did it, I smoked. I pretty much knew I was going to. I fought it for a few days, but not hard enough. I didn't come here much, I didn't talk to anyone IRL about it, I gave myself a few half-hearted "pep" talks and then went and bought a pack.  

I knew I was giving in to the addict part of me and I DIDN'T CARE  -- that's what's so disturbing about it.  WHY didn't I care?  Why didn't I care enough about myself and my quit to fight it?  To come here, where I know there is overwhelming support?  To talk to my husband or my mom who are huge supporters of me and my quit?  I'm not entirely sure. I wanted to smoke is ultimately the bottom line.  I wanted to smoke and I didn't want to smoke, but the wanting beat out the not wanting.

So, after nearly two weeks of being quit cold turkey, when the nicotine was presumably all flushed out of my system, I smoked to beat the band. I smoked until I felt sick (on purpose). I smoked and smoked and smoked all on the down low, I might add. Not in the house, not around anyone, but in my car in a parking lot while it was still dark out in the morning--like a fugitive; a criminal. Because that is how I felt.

After smoking like a chimney, I threw the remainder of the pack and the lighter away. I went to the car wash and cleaned the inside of the car--cleaned the windows, the dash, vacuumed it out and sprayed it with sandalwood spray.

I stopped in the store and restocked up on cinnamon gum and lemons.  The hubby was nice enough to buy me m&m's and good and plenty and a very sweet card telling me how proud he was of me (um, can you say guilt) yesterday. I'll have to fess up when he wakes up.

I came home and threw my clothes in the washer and took a shower.

And now, here I sit, with a nice, tall glass of ice cold lemon water and feeling like a jerk. But, I can't allow this to lead me into smoking full time again. I can't. I won't. My gym bag is already packed up for the morning and I'm busy for a lot of today, so that will help. I have to go reset my quit day now. I'm now just about an hour into my quit.

[jrgar1]

The disease of nicotine addiction needs to be treated not just in the physical sense of withdrawal. The mental (emotional) and spiritual aspects of our dis-ease must also be considered to maintain a permanent and peace of mind quit. A dose of fear (one of many human feelings) used in a positive way can be a powerful part of finding success in the fight of our lives against nicotine addiction. Take all the negative thoughts and turn them to positive action.  DO NOT FEAR the quit. Not quitting will have far more dire consequences then choosing a smober nicotine free lifestyle. The battle against nicotine addiction requires us to use all the weapons at our disposal to fight this war for our lives. Nic-gum, nic-patch, drugs or acupuncture may help the physical dis-ease but are NOT a permanent solution for nicotine addiction. 12 step recovery programs have proven to maintain success with nicotine and other addictions. We have admitted we have a problem with nicotine... We have made a decision to quit... We just need to keep stepping forward to the choice of freedom from nicotine. Become an Ex, Nic-Anon and 1-800-QUIT-NOW have been a successful road for me to maintain continuous smobriety since 7-21-2012. That was day before my 60 birthday.   Whatever it takes! 1-18-2018 2,000 smoke free one day at a times for me!  We can do this. YOU can do this!   Sure we want to smoke, we are addicted to nicotine. Smoking is our solution to physical withdrawal from the "nicodemon" drug. When we use our most powerful human freedom of choice to stop using nicotine, we face head on the problem of addiction. The disease of addiction has no cure or pill to heal it. Cravings are not physical withdrawal but our addiction speaking insane lies to us that we need to use our drug. We may never be cured but we may find a livable peaceful quit in the process of Recovery. We battle our addictions everyday... I eat and drink too much, drive too fast, think too much etc. One too many, a thousand not enough! An Honest Open minded Willingness to accept our addictions in recovery enables us to use that awesome human power freedom of choice to not eat as much, slowdown a little, think a bit less of myself and more about helping others. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, just for today! ODAT. N.O.P.E    Failures to quit nicotine were way of life of mine for twenty years. The good news is each and every failed attempt led me eventually to the miracle of a permanent successful quit when my sixty birthday happened. Nic replacement therapy, chewing gum, the patch, acupuncture, hypnotized, freeze pops, tootsie roll pops and lozenges of every flavor and brand. All parts of the many failed quits. Someone told me, nobody ever died from cold turkey withdrawal from nicotine, but to continue smoking would be a death sentence and bitter end to my life... now better understanding the consequences enabled me to endure and accept the 3 days of physical withdrawal from the nicodemon. That seemed almost too easy..  A bit of bad news reality here is the mental and emotional battles of addiction will now haunt and nag, pester and lie to convince you to use nicotine again. The will power that may have worked for the physical withdrawal will be useless for this battlefield in the war with addiction. This is where the abstract part of the solution to the problem of addiction occurs.. We now must find and navigate on our own just what the mental, emotional and spiritual issues are allowing us to give so much power to addiction. Take powerful action against addiction with the even more powerful human freedom of CHOICE. Choose to accept  the challenge, change for the better and take action to defeat and conquer addiction. O.D.A.T. N.O.P.E.  The Grand Hoax.. Our addiction convinces us we need our drug to solve problems and challenges that arise during our everyday life. No problem is too big that using our drug will only make it worse... Not a solution... another problem added to the mix.  Recovery allows us to make changes for the better. Accepting life as it comes to us. Our addiction was a progressive process. Recovery will take time too. Our efforts leading us to the reward of understanding healthy behaviors as a way of life!  Learning to focus more on solutions instead of the problems. Reinhold Niebuhr offers an amazing solution to life and addiction.  " The Wisdom to know the difference". "Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace". Never quit quitting!  O.D.A.T.  The spiritual element in the process of conquering addictions has always and will continue to be the most abstract part of the equation. The medical profession has only recently declared that addiction is in fact a medical disease. The bad news is no certain cure has been offered for addiction. Addiction shows itself in many faces and some addictions may require professional intervention. Good news... Our culture today offers medical coverage for alcoholics and those affected by the recent opiate addiction epidemic. However there are no rehabs for nicotine recovery, but it still includes the physical, emotional (mental) and spiritual elements that need to be addressed to attain permanent peaceful recovery. Nicotine chemical compounds allow it to be out of our bloodstream in about 3 days. For some 72 hours physical withdrawal includes a very wide variety of  reactions. However intense and complicated, none of these reactions are as serious or dire as withdrawal from alcohol or narcotics which may require medical intervention. After the physical withdrawal comes the mental process of dealing with cravings and the emotional attachment we have with our addiction. This mental and emotional facet took years to develop and take hold. It will likewise not just magically disappear but also take time to detach from our addictive behaviors. This is the point where we must seek a complete psychic change necessary to put our addiction behind and begin the journey of a nicotine free life. This also includes the personal journey of discovering just what our own unique spiritual principles may be for us. Abstract as it may be the spiritual aspect of recovery must not be neglected less we deny it as a valuable part of our success and solution to our problem of addiction. Sorry to be lengthy on this comment. Hope only to be helpful for your quit. Never quit quitting! O.D.A.T. N.O.P.E. 

[themrsbeardsley]

Hugs to you. I could have written this post. I was just mentally beating myself up for falling off the wagon last Thursday. I'm still on the ground after my fall and it feels like the wagons nowhere to be seen. Also, my mental strength feels like a horse pooped on it while walking over me as i lay here defeated.

The only advice I can give myself is to keep trying. I'm sorry I have no grand words of wisdom. I will share them when I find them.

[Jennifer-Quit]

THIS IS AN OLD BLOG - THANK GOD!

[elvan]

Jennifer-Quit‌ Thank God is RIGHT!

[Sootie]

Jennifer-Quit‌  I did not notice this was old.......thanks for the heads up!