I'm 27. I started smoking about 4 years ago when going to school. At first it was to just kill time between classes and to enhance my drinking socially, but now I'm so dependent on it for comfort that it scares me.
My whole life revolves around it. I've always been in pretty good shape, but ever since I started smoking, I've just totally gotten out of shape, because I can't breathe, and I'm constantly paranoid about doing anything too physical in fear of having a heart attack or something. From the time I wake, I'm just constantly thinking of excuses to get the family to go out so I can sneak a smoke by myself at home, or ways to get out of the house without being suspicious just so that I can park somewhere and have a few ciggs. At night, I am just consumed with the idea of getting some beers and getting drunk just so that I can smoke some cigarettes and enjoy them in the backyard, hiding to myself. I hate hiding, and I hate carrying hand sanitizer and gum and air freshener with me everywhere I go just so I can cover up the smell. I feel like all my big goals and dreams in life have just been on hold ever since I started smoking. It's made me lazy, it's made me get out of shape, and I really don't want to die early or have lung cancer and never be able to get back into shape again. I am still as optimistic about life as ever, and I'm very motivated to get my life and health back on track, but I realize that my discipline is my worst enemy. I can't trust myself and I need constant reminders about why I need to quit. It's like anytime I feel some weird little chest pain or tingling I get scared and think I might be having a heart attack or something and I'll quit for a day, but then the next day I'm back at it like nothing ever happened. I'm not a stupid guy, and I realize that you just can't hide from the fact that these things will kill you and greatly reduce your quality of life, but damn the craving is soooo strong for me.
I'm more motivated than ever right now. I have student loans to pay and goals to fulfill and I need to get back out there and pursue my career and get back in shape. This is my 2nd day, and so far so good. I have small moments of trying to rationalize buying a pack of ciggs, but right now I still know better. I hope I can make some friends here and get and give some support. Good Luck to EVERYONE! I used to think smokers just didn't have willpower, but now I know better and I truly sympathize with you.
