wow

[angelynna]

So tonight, I was sooo tired and laying in bed trying to sleep... started feeling really upset... I took the max dose of my anxiety medicine... decided to put on some calming music and meditate... well it just got worse... picked up the phone and started texting a friend to get support... he said a couple nice things but then wanted to sleep, so I let him.  Getting more and more upset... tossing and turning... after another hour or so, started thinking I have to stop this somehow.... quickly started getting the urge to get up and cut myself... waited it out a little longer... finally decided well, if I cut myself my therapists and doctors and friends will think I've regressed... at least with smoking I can blame it on the addiction... got out of bed, got dressed and ran out and bought cigs.  I didn',t even last 12 hours this time.

I still feel like hell... but I'm not crying... now it's just the feeling of, I am so weak....

My dbt classes start next week... they will teach me, hopefully, ways of dealing with the emotions.  Problem is, it's a six month course... so it will be six months before i have a full arsenal against my evil brain... I don't want to smoke for six more months... I don't want to smoke at all...  

But i'd rather smoke than end up in the hospital on a suicide watch again....

the real kicker is, I have no idea what i was even upset about.  I didn't forget, I just was never able to identify the trigger.

Right now, I don't like myself.  I don't like that I have this freak emotional regulation problem and that it's got so much control over me.  I don't like that right now, the only moderately effective weapon I have against it is a habit that's going to kill me.  I love myself though, I really do... I really want to be healthy, in so many ways...

I guess it's just going to take a lot more time than I hoped for...

[maggie_8-1-2010]

(((HUGS)))

[laurie37]

Take care of yourself honey. We'll be here when you are able to quit smoking safely.

[jill38]

Keep checking in here and i hopw u r seeing a therapist for your "cutting".  I will say a prayer for u after I finish typing. I also felt weak every time i would relapse, but I just kept coming back here to get my head fixed on new friends and to get hope. You too will be stronger once you decide to quit and just keep pushing through it. I have 8 days now and working on #9 right now. I will tell you that my confidence, self esteem and positive outlook is really boosting my days. I am proud of myself now~rarher thatn disgusted. I am not sleeping well but nobody ever died from lack of sleep. It too will get better. Hang in there! I ray for your emotional healing, mind and body to prosper in all things! Amen

[jill38]

i meant to type "pray" for your emotinal healing..ect.

[Bonnie11.3.2009]

In the grand scheme of things if it takes you 6 months to quit for a lifetime of health, it will be worth every day.  Just because you had one last nite doesn't mean you have to go back to your previous smoking habits, change things up and smoke less often and change where you smoke etc.  Keep your momentum going.

Maybe you could do a search here for bipolar and see what info is available.  I know there are others past and present, who've been members of this site who also have this disorder.

Good for you for not cutting.  When you can't sleep, accept it, get on the computer, take a shower again, eat, whatever you would like to do, just let yourself "rest" and maybe you will fall asleep.  The insomnia can last for a bit, so you will need a plan to get over this challenge.

We're still here for you and we don't think you're weak!  It takes a lot of strength to keep dealing with everything ! 

Take Care!

[doer]

 Wish I had something to say to you Angelynna that might help or comfort you. I really don't know what that would be.

While I don't know you, I do know that you're not alone. I do know that there are many good and caring people in this world. I do know that you're one of them.

I sincerely believe that you have the courage, honesty and ability to find solutions to the challenges you are facing. And  I know that one day you will believe that as well.

All the best to you.

[jaime11]

I think you need to take care of your emotional health and you will be better equipped to handle the physical. 

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for years.  Quitting smoking, at times, does make me more anxious but from past quits I know that not having nicotine in my system makes me much calmer in the long run.  I would talk with your doctor about the best way to work on quitting.

I think it is great that you are trying to quit and that you are brave enough to write about what you are going through.  just take things one day at a time and keep talking and writing.

[anacondahead]

"....got so much control over me."

The only power it has over you is the power YOU give it and YOU allow it to have.

[angelynna]

I really appreciate all the support... and I know that some people don't understand borderline personality disorder, so I'm not offended at those comments.  Nothing more to say right now.