So, the other night was probably the hardest of them all. I went over to my dad's house to spend some quality time. ended up with the whole fam playing skip-bo. yet just about every 10 - 15 minutes, they would "pause" the game for a smoke break. meaning my dad, his girlfriend, my sister, AND my boyfriend all left me to sit at the table alone, to them coming back in the room reaking of cigarettes. I have never wanted to give up more than that moment. i kept telling myself if i just joined them for one would it be okay?? and then me telling myself if i did, i know it wouldnt be just one and id be back into the same cycle im trying to get myself out of.
Thank god i didn't go out for a smoke with them. Although i felt very left out, anxious, depressed, stressed out and all of the above.. It feels amazing to know i didnt give into my addiction, but i still dont know how i did it. i was almost at my breaking point, yet somehow i seemed to curve my brain around it til the next morning. And all i kept telling myself was the second i got home i was going to jump on the computer and run to this website for help, encouragement and mainly support. its hard for a smoker to really be that proud and supportive, because you know they cant relate to what youre going through. thats why im happy i have this site now, where we are all going through the same things!!! PHEW!
on a lighter note, last night was a work gathering for one of our managers who is leaving. we all went and got drinks and hung out. unfortunately our table was outside, so people were able to smoke RIGHT AT THE TABLE. i almost lost it. But i was so happy to know i was able to get.. well pretty drunk, and not once come close to grabbing a cigarette. I feel like this time is for real. after all of my attempts to quit, THIS TIME IS FOR REAL.
I just keep looking to my future, seeing me without this addiction that has consumed my brain. I dont want to be a smoker when i have kids, or grandkids etc.
Will these intese cravings ever go away??
