trying to understand the thought process

[duanec]

After joining this site and having a few people pretty pissed at some of my posts I started reading the book that was sent to me.  "Easy waty to stop smoking"  is helping me to understand the circle of thoughts that the addiction causes but has not changed my personal view of the drug comes first.  I will continue to finish the book and hope to gain more knowledge on the subject.

[gypsy7]

I am not sure of your whole situation, so this is a take it or leave it comment. I skimmed some of your posts and it is clear you are angry. My husband had never smoked and pretty much hates it. However it did not stop him from dating, wanting and then marrying me. however, so many times since that day, I have had it thrown in my face in one way or another. sometimes when I would think of quitting he would make another comment and to be honest my first thought was F.U. and I would just keep smoking. I was cutting off my nose to spite my face kind of thing. I guess what I am saying is that maybe if she is a strong willed person her quitting would be easier if you would butt out!!!  I am not saying this to be mean. The more you push, bitch, make her feel guilty what ever you want to call it, the more she might resist. try leaving it alone and then say you will be there for her SILENTLY if and when she is ready. suggest this site as an aid to motivate her and to let her know she is not alone. YOU DONT COUNT cause your too close to the situation and YOU could be one of her major triggers!Did you ever consider that as a possibility? Sorry this is long winded. I am not saying this to be rude. Just so you might look at it another way!

[duanec]

I thank you and everyone for their responses.  To give some history without bashing my wife which I love dearly.  My wife did smoke when we started dating but quit after we were together for a few months.  She started again and lied to me about it.  She does not smoke in the house and does not smoke around me.  I do not ever remember seeing my wife wife a cigarette in her mouth.  It is my personal view that a beautiful woman with a cigarette in her mouth is ugly.  I would sit outside with her when she smoked but I would not look at her and she always turned away when she put the cigarette to her lips. 

I do find alot of humor in the "butt out" logic.....with that thinking if I was cutting myself with a razor blade I wonder if people would advise my wife to butt out?  People seem to forget the non smoking spouse is effect by the addiction to.......I love kissing my wife but I am robbed of that alot because the smell and taste.

There is so much more to my feelings about my wife smoking but that was expressed to her in a letter that I do not know if she ever read but I do love my wife and I will encourage her with reading the book and going to this site,,,,,but I come he to get support too.

[wishingstar]

Some times the best way to help some one, is not to push it.  You can't help some one that does not want to help them selfs. I undestand your side also. You know what it does, and how bad it is....but you married the smoker. I am married to one. I chose to quit smoking .yes I want him to quit.  But I can't make him. I am hoping that one day , he will see , its not so hard.  if he continues. I will still love him, and be worried for

renee 12 days

[gypsy7]

I will support you anytime you feel you need it, however, I will not let you slip your possible roles in all this. You did say she smoked when you were dating, so own up to the fact that it was your choice to date a smoker and stop robbing her of the fact that you still chose to persue her! also give her some credit for not smoking around you knowing it bothers you. I am the type that is beyond stubborn and would tell you to your face that I was smoking when you met me so if you dont like it now, the door opens in... I am glad you found the humor in the butt out comment. I have a way with wording things sometimes that gets missed! As far as you cutting yourself with a razor blade and wondering if people will tell your wife to butt out, I guess it would depend if it would bother her if you did... I am sure she wouldnt tell you that you were ugly when doing it though! I am also sure she wouldnt have chose to date you or marry you had you been wielding a razor blade!

[newlife5]

when i met my boygriend he was an alcoholic... i couldnt change him ..he died of liver cancer last year... i am so mad at him for not stopping drinking... but i am also grategul for the short time we had together... thank god i didnt badger him cause if i did we would not have had some of the precious momments we shared instead we would have only anger sadness and frustration,, accept her for what she is but dont try to change her because you fell in love with her just the way she is

[duanec]

It truly amazes me how people always make the smokers the victims.  OH yeah she wasn't smoking when we got married.  Sometimes I see this site not as support but as an excuse factory.  Sorry I guess I really don't feel like getting beat up tonight.

[stonecipher]

I really don't know what you want, Duane.

I have tried to explain to you.  Just about everyone here has given the same advice, and it is not what you want to hear.

This site is mainly for supporting people who have decided to quit smoking.  I hope your wife looks at the site and sees that it is not as hard as she might imagine.

If you are looking for someone to support you in your anger and self-rightousness, this is probably the wrong place.

You might want to see if there is a site for the loved ones of nicotine-addicted people.  Like they have Al-anon for the family members of alcoholics.  It's worth a try, anyway.

I am glad you came and posted because it is good, as an ex-smoker, to be reminded of how vile and hateful we were to our nonsmoking spouses.

[sharon110]

I myself really enjoyed the book..That book, and this site is what helped me quit. It did the trick and I am at 28 days tomorrow...free, I will never go back.

For me personally, I had a hard time dealing with the reality that I was a drug addict...seriously..I never thought of myself like that, it was hard to accept. It is the complete truth though. Once I saw it as such, it turned it all around. I see myself as in recovery now. Not one puff ever can be allowed. Has your wife read the book?

If I could reccommed another for you, it would be " The easy way for women to quit smoking" also by Allen Carr and co written with Franscesca Cesati. This book was sent to my house anonomously by someone "who cares". It is a wonderful book. 

If your wife is interested, I will send it to you...from someone that cares.

[gypsy7]

I am sorry you feel that you are getting " beat up " I do not think that is what anyone is doing. It does seem that you are having a hard time realising that your wife is a victim. one from addiction which can be overcome but, only if SHE wants to,  and two by your harshness and unwillingness to see it. As far as your anger at watching your wife " kill herself "  and the feeling of helplessness to stop it. I do understand. My mother is diabetic and watching her always do things to make it worse over the years, resulting in kidney failure and a long list of other health issues has been hard. I now have to take care of her 24/7. So I guess the best thing I can tell you at this point is that you have a choice. You can be with your wife and support her WHEN and IF she ever wants to quit or you can tell her that even though you love her you cant watch her do this to herself and leave. My mother is not someone I can leave, so I chose to take care of her and deal with what has happened. yes, I get mad sometimes that it didnt have to be this way. The fact is, that it is this way and we all have choices on how to handle it.. Again, this is not to " beat you up "  and maybe you see this as an excuse factory or you are just angry with being told the truth or things you dont want to hear. Again you have a choice.... I wish you well and I hope your wife will someday want to quit for her own health and not cause someone is trying to make her!

[Mandolinrain]

 Hurting people~ hurt people...sometimes unknowingly.

I hope you find the answers your looking for in Carrs book. I think it is wonderful that you are doing all you can to find answers to understand her addiction. It is obvious, to me anyway, that if you did not love her, you would not bother.  Sending prayers your way for you both.

[nanawendy]

Duane, Your wife is an ADDICT, you cannot save her. Until she makes the deciion to quit there isn't anything you can do. My husband has never smoked and hated that I smoked. I did not smoke in the house or the car, but I can tell you if he had bitched. and put me down all the time, I would probably still be smoking today. Sp maybe you should just back off and suggest the alan carr book and this site and see what happens

keep calm and carry on

Wendy

12/31/12

[duanec]

stonecipher...........please don't think for one minute you understand my feelings.  You accuse me of "anger and self-rightousness" well angry at times but I am hurt and disappointed.  So thank you for your judgement.

I will continue to read the book and share it with anyone that is looking for help.  I educate people on the damage smoking causes and the one thing that I see as a pattern is the drug comes first.  What the "smoker" sees as nagging and rants the non smoker sees as frustration and loss.

[Chuck-2-20-2011]

 Quitting smoking is something that comes from inside. The reasons that we choose to quit vary greatly but one thing is certain. No amount of "tough love" or critisizm would have helped me to realize that I needed to quit. No amount of stinging harassment would have helped me to quit and knowing the facts of what my addiction was doing to me really didn't matter either.

 It's true that an addict is a victim but we are in reality caging ourselves inside of the addiction knowing full well what it's doing to us. Now, something that's very important to remember is that it's a process just to try to get past our internal addict in order to even think of quitting.

 Let me give you an example. On the day that the thought of quitting first slipped past my addiction and became an actual thought, I was terrified!! That's right. The addiction is so strong within us that even the thought of quitting scares us to death. Granted this is irrational thinking but the fact is that an addiction is an irrational situation to begin with.

 Everyone here except you has been deeply entrenched in addiction. This is why we understand how powerful this particular addiction is. It's something that has to be felt to actually understand it and it effects each of us in different ways and on different levels. This is why we cannot simply be told to quit. All that does is bring the terror of the thought to the forefront and if we're not ready then it will in the end detur us even more.

 You say you want to understand. Well, most of here have had to learn this understanding through our actions. We've had to learn over time. We don't deal so much in the action of convincing people to quit at this site. Here, we deal with those who have already made this incredibly hard decision. Here we keep each other safe from ourselves as we learn our new life. Here we succeed because we want to. Not because we have to. 

 But take heart! There are so many success stories! So many who have won! There will be a time when the thought of quitting will actually slip past her addiction and when this happens then you can be there to help. Then you can support this very terrifying situation. But until then I'm afraid that all you can do is love her and accept her, even with her faults. After all, that's really a big part of what love is, now isn't it?

[duanec]

Thanks Chuck and those others that take the time to care. I am not without understanding addiction. I weighed 280 at one point and now weigh 180.....I get it. Maybe because I choose to get healthy not for myself but for my wife is why I struggle so much with this. I did it for her why won't she do it for me? Be good people and keep up your "recovery" as i will do the same.

[Brenda_M]

Duane, all we have to go on are your words here and the information you give us through those words, and guess what. You sound ANGRY. And self-righteous...you sound like you're confident that you would never put something before your wife and equally confident that she does you. Even and especially now that you've talked about the struggle that you've overcome and your sadness that your wife won't do the same for you. So there's no need to get sarcastic and ugly (and ANGRY) with Stone--she's making her observations only on what YOU have said, and she has plenty of text here to back both "angry" and "self-righteous."

And you do seem so angry...I asked my husband last night after reading this and a couple of your other blogs if he HATED me when I smoked, because that's how you come across. I'm having a hard time reading both your blogs and your comments underneath them about your devotion to your wife because they don't jive. Instead of getting defensive, THINK about that, and think how it comes across to your wife, as well.

I feel sorry for your wife. She has an addiction, and I'm sure she wishes she were rid of it, but she can't because of fear. It's an irrational fear, but that doesn't make it any less of a feeling for her. Support her, let her know that it may be scary, but it's doable, and you will support her and make it less scary for her. Be a partnership...make a plan together...read with her...talk with her...

[ShawnP]

Your wife has to do it on her own timing. Doctors kept badgering me about my smoking, even my kids mentioned things at times but someone telling me to do something, doesn't work very well. I am the type to do the oppposite. Then there came a time where i was borderline and considering quitting. I found this website and decided for MYSELF to stop and i have been quit for over a year now. We have to have that determination in ourselves to be successful. 

[TigerLadie]

I am a reformed nicotine addict..... my daughter is an alcoholic, pharmaceutical drug addict.... I wanted her to stop before she died.... addiction counselor said until SHE is done and wants to be healthy she will not stop no matter what you do...... I hated watching her kill herself..... I hated my smoking.... I had to make the decision and I finally did .... and you didn't lose weight until YOU were ready.... it sucks to watch people you love harming themselves... it makes you feel like you failed.... like you arent important  enough and so very helpless.... I hope your wife finds the support she needs and I hope she decides to quit.... and I hope you can forgive her and love her and let your heart guide you in helping support her when she makes the decision.... 

[duanec]

Tigar Thank you.