stressful month...fighting cravings

[Amber4]

I am 1 year and 7 months quit...But still have to fight NML cravings.

This month has been very emotional and stressful.  I am on edge every minute, even my dreams are plauged.  Something happened that triggered some deep rooted emotions.  I thought I had dealt with this stuff before, but I didn't.  That is apparent now.  And now I am left mending old wounds that I thought were healed and are now gushing again.  And this makes everything off kilter.  

Good news, I start counseling in a week.  But damn, that seems  so long away. 

I am not me anymore.  I am on edge, depressed, angry, moody...It's like I am locked inside a glass room in the center of my body, watching myself but unable to control me.  The things I say, how I lash out.  That's not me.  And the one person who is supporting me the most right now, the love of my life, is the one taking the brunt of it.  I can't stop it.  I don't know how.   And my greatest fear that I learned with this, is being left.  Abandonment.  Shit.  And here I am pushing him away.  Self fufilling prophecy anyone?  I feel like such a failure so much now.  Every mistake is the end of the world.  Every thing I take so personally and bring it to where I live.  I let it fester and use it as a knife to hurt myself further.  Not physically, emotionally.  Still scaring, just not as visible. 

Now that I've fully brought down the mood...Needless to say, I'm craving a cigg!  Not just a little either.  I can feel it in my fingers, like when I frist quit.  The fingers I held the smoke in are craving that touch.  My lips are wanting to feel it pressed between them.  My lungs are opened, awaiting the pressure.  I keep gasping for the smoke.  It's really messed up really. 

So now I am fighting cravings like a newbie and all grumpy like that first week.  So on top of my mood swings, I'm a first week junkie again.   And to top it all off, because I was such a nut case with my boyfriend, he failed on his quit and is "sneak smoking".  HAHA As if it is hidable!  So not only did I cause him to lose his quit, I have easy access to the smokes in the house again.  Crap. 

Thank you for reading!

[ShawnP]

Dont do it!!!!! look you have over a year and half. You will get through this. Dont give in to that Nicodemon!!!! Stay close to this site while you're going through this. We are all here for you!! 

[ShawnP]

you dont want this!!! look at all those chemicals and yucky stuff

[pir8fan]

EXplain to me why you want a cigarette! You don't! You are romancing one because you are stressed! Read what you wrote! Tell me one thing that a smoke will help!

Also! Your actions did not make your boyfriend smoke! No body or no one has that kind of power! If he smoked it was because he choose to smoke! And if he smoked to get back at you, then he needs to grow up, and you need to find a new boyfriend!

I don't know what drove you to this! You have been quit for over a year and a half Amber! You are better than this!

[owlfeather]

So proud of you to come here Amber,  especially as raw emotional as you are.  O.K.  Then let's start with week 1.  Just like you were starting your quit.  We will help you do that.  1st, stop romanticizing.  Stop that right now missy.  You are wanting the pain and emotion to go away instead of dealing with it, feeling it.  That's what the nicotine addiction did for us.  Numbed us out.  You have come too far for that.  You have made plans, arrangements with counseling to help you help yourself.  That is HUGE Amber.  Very courageous, it tells us you want to resolve this deep seated issue, to go thru it, to put it to rest, and to do that you have to FEEL.  You know you will not smoke, and I know that too.  Yet I have such pride in you for reaching out, and my heart so goes out to you.  Stay with us, we will cry with you, hold you up, and laugh with you again once you have gone thru the stormy waters.  You are going to be o.k.  I smile as I type that, you're strength is phenomenal.  

Blessings

Owlfeather

[JonesCarpeDiem]

hang on girl.. you've stepped back and analyzed it and are now making it real. take it easy on yourself. turn the lights on. you don't have to be alone in the dark.

hang onto the positive things and turn the darkness back

[YoungAtHeart]

You do NOT want to smoke - you KNOW now that it will do not one thing to make any of this better - right?    And - no more guilt about your boyfriend's decision to smoke.  It was HIS decision to make, regardless of what was going on around him.....just like this is YOUR decision!

PLEASE make the right decision.  You have SO much to lose!

I lknow it's hard right now - but finds things to distract yourself when those cravings hit.  Go for a brisk walk, take deep breaths ----- you know the drill - so get TO it!

Nancy

Quit 7/4/12

[Amber4]

Rationally, I know this.  I know that the nicodemon is romanticizing it all...and I'm struggling to stop it.  I'm upset that I am even tempted after this long!!!

As for my boyfriend, he is not smoking to get back at me.  I know he feels awful that he failed his quit and doens't want to tell me or tempt me, so he is sneaking it.   But you are 100% right, I didn't make him fail.  But I did make it hard for him to succeed.  And I should be there for him, help him through it.  But I wasn't.  NOw that is not only on me, I know that.  But for my part, I feel awful. 

I don't want to start over for one puff that will make me sick.  I will hate it and choke and cough and gag.

Thank you for the reality dose guys.  It helps.  I'm not clear yet, but on my way to getting through this.  I am really fortunate to have this outlet and support network. 

[luisdeleon619]

please fight  craving be strong 

[owlfeather]

It's an addiction Amber.  It will pop up every now and then for the rest of our lives.  Instead of letting it upset you, look at it, understand it for what it is.  Your blog will help others prepare for this very thing also.  Once a junkie, always a junkie.  We must be prepared.  I am so grateful you came here first.  Go to whyquit.com, just like you did in your first week, there you will find your reality dose.  I always so enjoyed your blogs Amber.  You write so beautifully, you capture thoughts and feelings so .....true.  Your ability to express yourself in words is a gift.  Thank you so much for getting back with us, it means a lot, so we don't worry....^___^...

[Bonnie11.3.2009]

Re read your blog and see if you can find the words and phrases you are using to romance the smokes. Be careful...we are what we language. Good for you for making your appointment. You will get where you want to be. This may be the last time you push someone away. So glad you came here to vent and get what you need. Persevere. You're worth every bit of discomfort

[Newfound_Joy]

You are definitely NOT a failure!  You are going through a very rough time right now.  This too shall pass.  Please do not make that one decision that will only make you hate yourself, add to the guilt, the remorse, and all of the negative feelings.  I know....I've been thru it myself way too many times.  Think it through.  You are right....it will taste terrible, you will get a headache, and the emotional trauma you will put yourself thru will be worse than where you are at now.

Hold on tight!  Post here as often as you want.  We are here for you!  You have the power to knock those cravings right out of your brain.  Just STOP that!  Say it out loud.."Take a HIKE nicotine cravings!  GET LOST - leave my brain alone!"  You don't do that anymore.

You can hang on until your counseling session.  Keep your eyes on the PRIZE!  And let go of the guilt about your boyfriend smoking.  He made his own choice to smoke.

Do you really want to go back and do DAY ONE again????

[Nyima_1.6.13]

Wow, while you are in the midst of this struggle, you had enough good sense to come here for help! You are an inspiration to me and you are stronger than you are feeling right now.

You are here because you know it would be a horrible mistake to pick up a cigarette! You came for support and comfort in a place where you know you can get it. Welcome home. Stick around as long as you need a hand to hold.

[Giulia]

Suggestion - write your boyfriend a love letter.  You expressed so well how you feel.  Share that with him.  "And the one person who is supporting me the most right now, the love of my life, is the one taking the brunt of it. "  Perhaps even share this blog with him.  If you feel like you're being rotten to him, then tell him you're sorry for it.  That will help ease all sorts of thiings within you, I would think.

If you're experiencing the same depth of cravings now as you did in the early stages of your quit, then you need to pull out all the techniques you used in the beginning to overcome them.  Get out the Carr book, strart it again.  Read the old blogs on here that spoke to you.  Do some reading in Relapse Traps

You said you were watching yourself from the inside out.  Try watching from the outside in.  Try being a fly on your wall and look at what you're doing.  Unemotionally, totally objectively.  Just quietly observe.  Don't judge.  Try to get out of your head and disengage the emotion.  Step back from it.  Don't wallow.  Deliberately disengage.  Change your focus.  Do not dwell in the well of smokey craving thoughts.

You've spent many MANY long hard days and hours and minutes fighting.  Think very carefully before you choose to give them up.  You DO have a choice.  Choose wisely, Amber.  We're pulling for you.

[Brian100]

Hi Amber

Thanks for posting instead of lighting up.  It proves you want to keep your quit. 

Make a deal with yourself - hold off on choosing to light up until you meet with your counselor next week.  You already have 1 year and 7 months, so a week or less is doable. For right now, choose not to smoke.

Keep posting, and take breaks - close your eyes and take in deep, long breaths, hold them, and then let them out slowly. 

Hang on to your freedom, friend.  We are rooting for you!

Here is a diversion and tribute to persistance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyYlYuaj_zU

[jojo_2-24-11]

Amber, I know I am very late here but I feel the need to say,  although you are feeling like a newbie in your quit right now because you are craving, you are not a newbie.  You are having some issues, life is full of them. Even the ones we dealt with long ago will re-surface in another shape or form, sometimes. You will handle it again in a week. I am feeling that you saw this in a different light and now you have to rehash it. You are on your way to do this and maybe the last time you dealt with it you were a smoker and you have that old feeling again or maybe you started to smoke after this happened.  Maybe this is another first for you and you just have to remember all the tools you used for this. Deep breathing, plenty of water, laugh out loud, walk, exercise, whatever it takes. Re-focus your mind to more pleasant events when urges hit you. You can get through this with the proper help and you are well on your way.

[Patty-cake]

Hi Amber,

I pray that you are still holding strong. Maybe you went to bed and slept off some of your pent up feelings.

I was where you are many years ago. I didn't have this site back then. I felt I couldn't cope any more and wanted to go back to my old friend, the cigarette. Sadly it was many, many years before I was able to bring myself back quit. Many years before I would take my life back. So please, don't, don't go there. don't smoke. Delay, distract. Do what you have to do.

Smoking didn't make anything better back then for me. In fact, it made matters worse. On top of dealing with all the issues I had a hand, I was a nicotine addict again.

I hope you are reading this Amber. I can see that your boyfriend loves you from what you've written. It's time to put yourself in check. Time to turn yourself around. You've started by making a counseling appointment. You've logged onto EX to blog. You've analyzed how you are feeling. Keep at it. Don't turn your back on yourself now. Do not smoke, This is a test. This is your test. Now, prove to yourself that you WILL pass this test.

((((HUGS TO YOU AMBER))))

🙂

[kris54]

There is nothing more to add here, Amber, except that I too, am saying a little prayer that you held fast in your quit.

You have been a Champion on this journey...... and protecting your quit is the MOST IMPORTANT thing, Sweetie.  You came here and reached out... you are thinking this through...........

YOU ARE IMPORTANT!  STAY STRONG!!  ♥

[Mothergoose9]

Get out of your head... Start thinking different thoughts.  Whatever it is you're facing, you can face it ALL without cigarettes.  Millions of people do tough stuff without cigarettes, you can too!!!!  The answer holds nothing except more misery for you!!!!  No solutions, no quick fix, no help of any kind whatsoever!!!!!!  Don't be fooled......be smart!!!  Quit listening to nicodemon BS!!!!

We are all just one puff away from full blown addiction!!!!  If you take that puff, you will only add another problem to your list, you will not stroke any off because of it!!!!  You KNOW THIS!!!!  Stop this junkie self-talk!!!!!!  Stand strong and make a decision that smoking is simply NOT an option, EVER!!!  Not for ANY reason, not under ANY circumstance!!!!  Then refuse to listen to junkie lies and deceit!!!!!!

You did the right thing by coming here.......now come back here and let us support you in your QUIT!!!

[Mothergoose9]

Sorry, the *cigarette holds nothing except more misery....  (really wish I'd learn to proofread BEFORE posting.... -.-)

[Dakota_Posse]

I know I'm late Amber but my concern for you is real.  So, I pray that you made it through the night without giving in to temption and that you are still protecting that beautiful quit of yours.  I really like Giulia's idea of writing your boyfriend a love letter.......something people do not do a lot of anymore, but probably should.

Take it one day at a time girl.....

Cindy

[Jordan-11-1-12]

Hi Amber.  I know its been days since you posted this, but I wanted to say hi, and add my two cents. 

First of all, I am sooooo impressed that you came here and blogged, instead of using all of this as an excuse to throw it all away. That shows what a wonderful quit you've had and how committed you've been. Kudos. Please, please don't ruin it now!!! 

I think Giulia's idea of writing your b/f a love letter is a wonderful idea. Obviously, you're a good writer, and its time like these when we can usually say what needs to be said when our negative emotions can get in the way by flaring up against our wishes. Not only can you tell him how much you love and appreciate him, but also how scared you are to lose him during this tough time. Remember, Amber, "tough times don't last, people do."

You can get through this, I know you can. I know, because I'm a survivor of some serious sh@t that was stuffed down for many years. I know what its like when it forces its way to the surface...... and I can recognize that, just from this blog, what it takes to survive is in you. Counceling is such a huge step, and (as you know) its the right one. 

We'll all be here for you, loving and supporting you any way that we can. Your blog has helped me, because I'm going through something that's causing me deep, deep pain and, at times, the nicodemon tries to use that pain to get me to light up. I only have a little over 4 months smoke free, but I was starting to feel like I'd done something wrong, to still be tempted as if at the beginning, or in the middle of NML. Your post helped me to realize that its not just me.... its this evil addiction finding chinks in our armor. 

I honestly believe that as long as even a tiny part of us still believes that smoking can help us in some way (help with pain, fear, anxiety) that it leaves the door open to relapsing. For me, I'm going to re-read Allen Carr because that's the reading that really helps me to trust that smoking does nothing but make things worse. Obviously, that won't help with what I'm going through emotionally, but it will help me protect my quit. Hopefully, help make it easier.  Sometimes when we are desperate to avoid our tramatic issues, we obsess on something else. The urges...craves to smoke are easier to feel than the tornado of emotions that we've had burried inside of us. But, as you said, it is time to deal with these. Keep in mind that you're not alone.

Maybe writing a letter to yourself is a good idea, too. After all, you are a stong, compident woman but there is a part of you inside that doesn't believe that. There's a part that is soooooo scared of the issues coming up that it would rather crave cancer sticks than deal with it. A letter telling her that you will protect her could be raelly theraputic. 

Please excuse any typos and spelling errors. Please don't give up on your quit, and remember that we all care.