I am 1 year and 7 months quit...But still have to fight NML cravings.
This month has been very emotional and stressful. I am on edge every minute, even my dreams are plauged. Something happened that triggered some deep rooted emotions. I thought I had dealt with this stuff before, but I didn't. That is apparent now. And now I am left mending old wounds that I thought were healed and are now gushing again. And this makes everything off kilter.
Good news, I start counseling in a week. But damn, that seems so long away.
I am not me anymore. I am on edge, depressed, angry, moody...It's like I am locked inside a glass room in the center of my body, watching myself but unable to control me. The things I say, how I lash out. That's not me. And the one person who is supporting me the most right now, the love of my life, is the one taking the brunt of it. I can't stop it. I don't know how. And my greatest fear that I learned with this, is being left. Abandonment. Shit. And here I am pushing him away. Self fufilling prophecy anyone? I feel like such a failure so much now. Every mistake is the end of the world. Every thing I take so personally and bring it to where I live. I let it fester and use it as a knife to hurt myself further. Not physically, emotionally. Still scaring, just not as visible.
Now that I've fully brought down the mood...Needless to say, I'm craving a cigg! Not just a little either. I can feel it in my fingers, like when I frist quit. The fingers I held the smoke in are craving that touch. My lips are wanting to feel it pressed between them. My lungs are opened, awaiting the pressure. I keep gasping for the smoke. It's really messed up really.
So now I am fighting cravings like a newbie and all grumpy like that first week. So on top of my mood swings, I'm a first week junkie again. And to top it all off, because I was such a nut case with my boyfriend, he failed on his quit and is "sneak smoking". HAHA As if it is hidable! So not only did I cause him to lose his quit, I have easy access to the smokes in the house again. Crap.
Thank you for reading!
