when things in my life get hard, i often pull away from the people who love me and whose support i need the most. i find myself engaging in a ton of negative self talk, telling myself i'm a burden and everyone hates me and just the fact of my existence is bothersome to everyone who crosses my path. i am cross-addicted and have been sober from alcohol & drugs for 3 years. most of my friends and supports are the people i know from my 12-step program. i'm so grateful for all of the love and support they have selflessly given me over the past few years. but i often feel as though i'm a terrible person and i don’t deserve all of the goodness they give to me.
in the past few months, i have been having some very serious health problems. it started with a migraine that lasted for 3 weeks straight, at first this didn't concern me as i've had chronic migraines for approx. 13 years. finally, i could no longer handle the pain and went to seek treatment. in the span of a week, i went for 2 mri's and for bloodwork every day. after seeing 2 neurologists (i will be seeing a third in april), it was discovered that the cyst i've had in my brain (on the pineal gland) for my whole life had significantly grown and could no longer be considered "benign".
i'm constantly in pain. i have failed every physical neurological exam i've been given since december. i am falling and running into things all the time and feel constantly dizzy and lightheaded. my short term memory is laughable at this point. sometimes i randomly go blind in my left eye.
i've been so scared to talk about it with anyone outside of my immediate family (my parents, who i live with). i finally called my sponsor today to tell her what's been going on. then i called my best friend. it took me so long to reach out bc i feel like such a burden. i have been spiraling in my isolation and missing 12-step meetings left and right. i've also found myself having urges for self harm (from which i am 74 days clean). my main motivation for quitting vaping was to be prepared for brain surgery, which every specialist i've seen so far has been referring me to get.
i'm scared. i am so scared. and the isolation is not helping, but i can't seem to stop the negative self talk.
