Really didn't want to come on here and confess but, I guess I have to.
the initial trigger this time was intense emotion. I am bipolar and borderline and my feelings can sometimes be incredibly overwhelming. Well I don't need to go into the details, but the other night I was having a feeling and it was so strong, and I was able to identify my rational mind to argue against it. But the feeling was so strong and lasted for so long, I tried all kinds of ways of distracting myself, until the only way I could imagine to deal with it was by self-harm. My self harm actions used to include cutting, drug overdoses, and other really messed up things. Now the only self harm action I fall back on is smoking. It's sort of a way to punish myself for having those really strong feelings. I know it sounds completely irrational, it's hard to explain. and enormously embarrassing to admit.
Even though I have learned a lot of coping techniques for it, sometimes they don't work. I am not sure how to deal with this, I will of course be talking to my therapist, and have been looking into joining a group therapy that deals with this specific issue.
The other problem I'm having is with a specific medication I've been taking for about 5 months. It is supposed to be for mood stabilization and anxiety. But it makes me utterly exhausted, I am sleeping all the time, not getting hardly anything done and that makes me depressed. My dr openly admits that this medication can cause severe cravings--I honestly think that at least half my daily calorie intake happens after I take this pill at night. and obviously it doesn't help with the smoking issue either. I am not going to take that medication any more, and as soon as I finish writing this will send an email request to my shrink to see about an appointment this week.
I am beyond frustrated.
