so reading this story on whyquit.com about this woman that died. has me feeling overwhelmingly sad and anxious about my smoking and my family member's smoking
and guess what?
it makes me want a fucking cigarette! WTF?! seriously?
really?
i've been really sick before, lung sick, emergency room sick...after i started smoking i was diagnosed with asthma...so ive had asthmatic bronchitis at least once a year...mostly since birth really....i was a premie and my dad smoked...so im pretty sure ive been at least partially addicted to nicotine my whole damned life. that is no excuse for me picking it up willingly tho. or maybe it isn't an excuse but it is a reason. that is one of the things so hard about reading that womans story, is how unmerciless she was with herself...about how she couldn't expect sympathy becuase she did it to herself....it made me cry....anyway, i've spent more than one day in the ER getting multiple breathing treatments and steroid shots...only to come out and light up. it is crazy that cigarettes are even legal. i understand, historically, why they are, but FUCK.
the woman talked about and i've known people who've lost loved ones to lung cancer that also talked about how they were struggling to quit smoking even while literally on their deathbeds from lung cancer. if that isn't drug addiction, i don't know what is.
i also find myself worried about my baby sister. when she was 3 or so she kept grabbing for my dad's cigarettes and so he let her take a drag off of it, assuming it would be so nasty she would get sick and run away. believe it or not, my baby sister smoked that damned cigarette till it was gone. at three fucking years old. i know, it is too fantastic to be believed but i remember my sister sneaking cigs from my dad (butts mostly) at her 5th birthday. she is about to be 26 now, has been smoking "fulltime" since 14 i think. reading that story made me scared for her.
i was so vehemantly anti smoking when i was a kid. i started during my first bout with suicidal urges....my dad always said it made him feel better....so i tried it.
i could write like this for hours but my hands hurt, i need sleep, and the inside of me nose is raw feeling, i hate that.
