"Slipsies" Bewildered

[JACKIE1-25-15]

There seems to be an increase in postings of relapses.  I must confess I am saddened when I see someone post that they have started smoking again.  Some are short timers and some long timers. I am baffled, I guess that is part of being a newbie.   It seems that in a matter of days someone has gone back to smoking. I am trying not to make the same mistakes but it is frightening when you see those who have worked so hard and then suddenly announce the "slip."  I hope I never forget where I started.   Some of the comments in response to the post are very encouraging.  I am trying my very best to learn from these mistakes and not be judgemental, but the triggers seem to be constant ...alcohol, being with smokers, caught off  guard,(whatever that means) anger, stress, grief and being sick.  

Help me here.  Is it something in the brain that keeps us wanting to continue to smoke even after a long quit. Addiction? Selfish desires? Weakness? I know that not smoking is a challenge, harder for some than others but I  must conclude that there must be some underlying factor that causes the relapse.  Yes I have tried quitting before, but without resources, this site has made a difference for me.  Live people to help. Help me with this please.

[smorgy8513]

Wish there was an easy answer Jackie.     If I knew the answer, I would patent it and become rich.      I don't think there is 1 answer for everyone.....but I think there is the foundation for each reason/way to stay clean.     And that is to recognize this is an addiction, not a "bad habit", not something I can stop if I have "enough will power".       

I am an addict.   

If I smoke even a drag I will open myself up to being back to a pack a day.

I must guard my quit.....One way I do that is to come here every day, make my pledge on the New Daily Pledge page and read/blog/listen to all on the site.

I will do ANYTHING to stay clean, if that means not hanging with smoking friends....so be it.     If it means not going out to the bars, being with smokers at a gathering...so be it.

Question these "slips" Jackie......you're right...don't judge (there but for the grace of God and my EX family go I) and remember the WHY you are clean today!

Bless your quit!

Sharon

[Iwannalife]

thank you Jackie for this blog as I as a newbie, 6 days quit, was wondering the same thing. a few days ago I was reading about so many slips and was almost ready to give up on my quit before I really gave it a chance. But as Sharon said I read over them blogs again and again and use them as a stepping stones and building blocks in my quit foundation. 

Have a blessed and smoke free day.

I like this quit thing. Laurie

[ShawnP]

With me, it seems to come and my lowest points. I used to have more of a problem with self confidence. I have gotten better but certain things ignite me. Its at these times, i have to battle my addictive side. Its not often that this happens BUT when it does, we need to know how to battle it. Its good to keep doing your refresher courses to always remember and to never forget. At my 3 yrs anniversary,i had one of my toughest battles yet! You really have to guard that quit at ALL times!!!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Thanks for your comments.  I am trying to better understand.

[bonniebee]

I know it is an addiction ans we did it so often it became a part of our daily lives like eating and breathing   I also think there was enjoyment in it otherwise why would so many people bother to do it in the first place ! I know for me it was an incredible pacifier for stress and an enhancement to comfort and serenity even if it was a false drug induced peace !

Like Giuilia said in a blog yesterday if it was not so bad for the health ( and for me ) the expense I would smoke forever .

I love being quit I love being able to breath without wheezing I like having more money for other things I just wish the day would come when I have no more uncomfortable craves !

One day at a time ....NOPE !

[bonniebee]

Sorry jackie I got off on the subject and forgot to say Hi ! and congrats on your wonderful quit !!!!!!!

[Mrs.Rum]

There's an easy answer.  They DIDN't work hard.  They TALKED hard.  If you've been here long enough you can spot them a mile away.  Said what they thought sounded right, what we wanted to hear, all the things that made it sound like they were in it to win it.  But it always sounds off somehow.  And they are the ones who come back and have 'slipped'.  And yes, even after years of quit - they will slip because they didn't mean it.  The option stayed open.

By the same token you can tell the ones who mean it.  We almost never see them back here having slipped.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Thank you MsRum another key point that I am taking is Never keep the option open to smoke. That says a lot. 

[elvan]

Never keeping the option to smoke, open, is HUGE.  Those of us who smoked for years never learned to deal with our emotions and our feelings the way we should have.  It's basically growing up and having to do that when the reflection in the mirror is no kid...is a challenge to say the least.  

Just remember that no one HAS to give in to a crave,  alcohol is a key factor in diminishing the resolve of the quitter and it's important to remember that and not allow it to take over your thinking.  

Anyone can do this, is it about doing it one day at a time and remembering that you are never more than one puff away from a relapse.  

It IS doable.

[Storm.3.1.14]

I know it's scary to witness a relapse, Jackie. Early in my quit, I saw someone crash and burn, and I thought to myself, "If THAT is the fate I face, then just give me the damn cigarette NOW and be done with it!"

That was very early in my quit, before I wrapped my emotions around the fact that I am sick and tired of crashing and burning. I really am. Have I not already been there too many times?! I will be faced with the exact same thing, I'm sure...but I am READY to react in the exact OPPOSITE way.

A few thoughts...

If I were to be blindside by something horrible, I would not run out and get drunk. Why? Because I am not an alcoholic, and booze is not my drug of choice. It does not occur to me to drown my anger with beer or wine, because that was never my pattern. The idea, to me, is foreign and weird.

No, I am a nicotine addict. I was for YEARS. Sadly, I am hardwired now to automatically and reflexively jump at a menthol in times of stress. THAT is what I have done to myself. It is sad and shameful, and I am not proud of that. But, it's my reality. So, I must DEAL with it. Just as every Elder deals with it. And just as YOU will deal with it.

I think that sometimes folks get tired of dealing with it. They "oopsie" (whatever!) and just think, "Oh, well...may as welll REALLY burn this damn thing up now! I screwed it up, so why not DESTROY it all the way?"

What's the answer? YOU STAY STRONGER THAN YOUR PAST, and you get SICK of the broken record, and you LOVE YOUR NEW LIFE MORE THAN YOUR OLD MISTAKES. And, above all else, you ACCEPT that while craving is your automatic reflex, it is no longer your option.

It's possible to accept all these. For them and for you and for me. 

[JACKIE1-25-15]

We didn't have helpful buttons back then.  This really helped me. When it looked like a lot of people around me were falling.

[Bonnie]

Hi there, BonnieBee, just read the above...I was just thinking the other day that even IF it wasn't bad for my health and even IF it wasn't so dang expensive I STILL wouldn't want to smoke because it stinks, I stink, it burns holes in things, the filters are bad for the environment and it's just a NASTY thing to do, even when you were basically a closet smoker like me...I watch a lot of old movies where they smoke...I watch to see what actors are real smokers and inhale...it looks so dramatic but you can't SMELL it...YUCKO!!!!  (thanks for letting me reinforce myself, LOL!)

[minihorses]

Pretty crappy thing to say.  I guess you worked harder than everyone who 'slipped'.  Way to be uplifting and supportive, especially to new quitters! Keep what helps and leave the rest...

[JACKIE1-25-15]

It was her truth, that I accepted at the time and have found it to be true also.  It helped to keep me from slipping. It takes work.

[Mrs.Rum]

I'm staring down the barrel of having been quit for 5 years.  So, while I can't say for sure that I've worked harder than anyone else, I CAN say I have earned the right to say I know a few things about the process.  And I still know when someone is blowing the figurative smoke, and when someone means they're through for real.  You know why I still know that?  Because they are just like I was. I said those very things in the very same ways and I knew that I didn't mean it.  They don't either.  As soon as one gets serious about the job at hand, those things don't need to be said any longer.  On May 1, 2013 I got serious about the job.

[Bonnie]

I just want to say that I so agree with you...I quit in my mid 20's and of course I wish I had kept that quit.  I "quit" probably dozens of times since then (I'll be 69 this month)...to the point that I may have NOT smoked more than I smoked.  But obviously I didn't take it seriously enough until now.  The first time I "relapsed" I wanted to lose weight for a boyfriend (who was a light smoker) and didn't think about the consequences...I "quit" once, I could "quit" again when I wanted to, right?  Then I married a smoker.  Quit both times I was pregnant--very easy to quit, both times--but the first thing out of labor I wanted a cig.  As I got older and got divorced, I used cigarettes to keep people away from me.  I was a "closet smoker" at times, then married a man who never knew I smoked.  ADDICTIONS MAKE US CRAZY PEOPLE--PEOPLE WHO THINK CRAZY THOUGHTS.  It was always my emotions that got me smoking again...Last "quit" before this one lasted ten months.  And when I stopped at the convenience store, I really didn't care about the consequences...I just wanted the pain to go away...ALL I WAS DOING WAS ADDING TO IT.  I started smoking originally at 17 to relieve emotional pain AND IT WORKED.  It helped me stop crying, it really did...but that's the thing about addictions, THEY STOP WORKING, because they really don't "fix" anything...they are an avoidance mechanism.  Oh my, how many decades it took for me to realize this...IN JUST ONE SECOND you can lose everything you've worked so hard for, and have to start all over again.  Well...I may be a SLOW LEARNER but I ain't stupid.  Not another puff ever....and I don't romance the thought of smoking now (after 92 days) either.  When I watch one of my classic movies and they're all smoking and it looks so glamorous, I just tell myself, "IT STINKS, YOU KNOW...and is expensive, and she can drop an ash on that lovely silk gown and it would be ruined"...not "stinkin' thinkin'" but THE TRUTH.

You get my point, I'm preaching to the choir, but writing it down helps and maybe someone else will read this and it will help them, and meanwhile it helps me to solidify what I believe.  Practice makes perfect, yes?  I would have had 46 years smokefree if I had stayed quit the first time...how much $ is that?  I don't want to figure it out   Thanks for speaking your truth!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

You are free now.  That is all that matters.  We forgive ourselves in this process and reach higher than we ever have. Congratulations for finally getting it. 

[minihorses]

Congrats on your 92 days Bonnie.  I've turned to cigarettes for every possible reason and quit so many times.  This morning I wanted to smoke. Not the first time in the past 5+ months and wont be the last.  It dawned on me that I am going to have to fight this addiction every day for the rest of my life, just like any drug addict.   Never thought of it that way until today. Scared me to death because I'm strong but long term fights wear me down to literal insanity. I will continue to fight the addict in me with God and Ex's hands. My hope is that the knowledge I've gained and the support that is here will give me the strength to fight the fight and keep the sanity for the rest of my life. Thanks for the reminder!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

When we come to the realization that it is not a fight but a change in our lifestyle and smoking is no longer part of it  qutting becomes easier. It is accepting that you are doing one of the very best things for yourself and you are not losing anything. With a no matter what attitude smoking is no longer an option but living life on life's terms is doable.  (what would a nonsmoker do)  Accepting the quit and not fighting it makes it a lot easier to sustain over a long period of time.  With the commitment knowing you will never touch them again they will have no powe and you no longer worry whether you will pick up again.  it takes time.  I would not call it a scare, I call it an ah ha moment.  You are turning a corner.  The journey continues and gets easier everytime you NOPE.  Keep going you got this. 

[Bonnie]

Thanks for the support and badge, Jackie. I tried to figure out how to @mention someone but...oh well, since I'm going to stick around here, one day I'll know how to do it

[JACKIE1-25-15]

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/docs/DOC-1502-the-basics-how-to-use-the-mention?sr=search&searchI...   Hope this helps. I did not read the instructions.  anytime you need to find out how to do something use the search engine by magnifying glass and type what you are interested in .  Also @EX to EX instructions link. 

[Bonnie]

I can so relate...it actually is a bit of relief to finally learn this...Food addicts have it rougher because they still have to eat...we nicotine addicts are fortunate: WE NEVER HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER PUFF.!  I am SO grateful to this group of wonderful people who understand me and know how hard it is to success...I don't think I would have made it without you!!!! ♥

[JACKIE1-25-15]

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/community/community-help/blog/2017/02/14/ex-to-ex-instructions?sr...