long drag

[ajalder20t]

so.... quitting seems to have been the easy part.

(i would've kicked myself a year ago if i had said that)

I have been an ex-smoker for almost a full year now. I haven't smoked, I haven't cheated, I haven't consumed nicotine since I quit. I really honestly QUIT.

The hard part: I have been so depressed since I quit (yes, this might be quickly fixed by a trip to the doc ans some meds, which I have my doubts about taking anyway, problem with that scenario being....like so many other Americans, no health insurance, no funding for healthcare).

I am trying to self-medicate with b-stress-relief vitamins and exercise but, I AM ME. I am distractable. I exercise for a while then I don't one day then the next thing I know i have been glued to the couch every moment I have been home for weeks, and...gained ten more pounds (i.e. self-knock to self-esteem....tumble, tumble, tumble, here we go down the depression hole again).

My friends (who are not in this state) miss me. They tell me so, and I am glad to hear from them. And then really upset that (especially since losing ANOTHER job) I can't do ANYTHING about the fact that I have no way to come up with funding, or time, to go visit them.

I have tried to make friends in this state  but, let's put it this way, I THOUGHT I had trust issues before and since moving here I have found that I am TOO trusting with people and do not guard nyself enough. Hard to make friends when the private things you share with people who you think are your friends get back to town before you do, and people who haven't met you before can tell you about your personal life the next day....probably even saying too much on this site but if I don't say it somewhere i JUST might blow up.

so but anyway.

Lately, something one of my former co-workers said has been ringing in my ears. He told me about how he FINALLY quit smoking, and (long story short) a few months later his wife finally got him to go in to his doctor and his doctor told him to start smoking again. They had tried a couple anti-depressant medications and theyjust didn't work for him, and his doctor explained that for some people the medications just don't satisfy the receptors in the brain that are or had been triggered by nicotine. (Happy making brain receptors)

I don't want, wait no...I won't smoke again, but jeez I am tired of feeling like crap, a year....natural herbal (legal) suggestions are welcome, and any advice on teaching myself to continue to do things daily would be nice too....

(((((i need a hug))))))

[lisa11209]

Hug for you.

[barbara42]

Congrats on a year quit, you are stronger then you think, you have done this, give your self a pat on the back. i wish i could help, but i will just give you a HUG !!!!

[Ex_Nancy]

Hi Ajalder, I copied this article from an Elder here....maybe this will perk you up...click on the link too...♥

A study done by The Harvard School of Public Health reported that Americans with mental illness are nearly twice as likely to smoke cigarettes as people with no mental illness. People with diagnosable mental illness comprise nearly 45% of the total tobacco market in the United States. Nearly 1/3 of smokers with mental illness were able to quit smoking. If they refrained from using alcohol and drugs, they had a cessation rate equal to people without mental illness.

Mental illness in this instance was defined as one of the following: major depression, bipolar disorder, agoraphobia, social and simple phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, alcohol abuse and dependence, antisocial personality, conduct disorder, non-affective psychosis (including schizophrenia). So you can see the people in the study were at varying degrees of severity in their illness.

I know that for many years doctors did not pressure me to quit smoking. I was more concerned about my smoking than they seemed to be, until it started impacting other areas of my (physical) health. It was only this year that I met a physician (internist) who understood that I was self-medicating my depression with nicotine, and maybe he only understood because I was talking to him as a recovering nicotine addict rather than as a smoker. I had some perspective about my smoking. But I also know that when I was hospitalized, the patients smoked up a storm and nobody tried to stop them. The attitude in many cases is that smoking is a stress buster. The people here on the EX site know that's a lie.

If you want to read about the study, here is a link to an article:

http://mentalhealth.about.com/library/weekly/aa112300a.htm

[YoungAtHeart]

I am not nearly as well iformed as Nancy, and not qualified to give you depressio advice.  

What  I CAN do is send you a great big hug - and squeeze as hard as a recently operated on old lady can!!!!

[Patty-cake]

Wow, that's great insight Nancy.

I'm sorry for your sadness. Have you ever tried the supplement 'St John's Wort'? It is an antidepressant that you don't need a prescription for. It can be found in the vitamin section of your local pharmacy. It might be worth a try.

Please don't even play with the idea that smoking will bring out the feel good receptors. Going back to that addiction will only set you in deeper depression in the long run and run you into the poor house.

(((HUGS)))

[Ex_Nancy]

Thanks everyone, it's not me...I was merely quoting an Elder from our site, not me. It is interesting tho.....

A study done by The Harvard School of Public Health reported that Americans with mental illness are nearly twice as likely to smoke cigarettes as people with no mental illness. People with diagnosable mental illness comprise nearly 45% of the total tobacco market in the United States. Nearly 1/3 of smokers with mental illness were able to quit smoking. If they refrained from using alcohol and drugs, they had a cessation rate equal to people without mental illness.

[ajalder20t]

I have tried st. john's wort in the past but it had quite the negative effect on me. I felt horrible for the three days I took it, and never took it again... i do mean HORRIBLE. I took SAM-e for a while but then started to wonder if I was doing myself long-term harm by self-medicating. Kind of afraid to take it again, even though I did have fairly positive results from it.... just wish I could just be happy. (without having to pretend to be happy and smile for someone else's benefit and to make it seem like i am alright, honestly this is part of the reason i lost my last job, but i couldn't get them to understand that I didn't want to talk about it. It was the kind of place where if i talked about it with one person, everyone would know by the end of my shift and frankly, it was none of their business. can't tell you how many times i got told to smile in the last three months..... all i could think was "if you only knew, I AM smiling right now")

[ajalder20t]

and thank you all for the hugs...

[treehugs]

Are you sure you aren't just finding reasons to start smoking again? Try exercise, it's good for depression.

[Giulia]

So.  You're saying since you quit smoking almost a year ago you feel you've been depressed.  BECAUSE you quit?  If so, that's an excuse.  You're distractable you say.  Well you aren't distractible when it comes to your quit.  You are focussed when it comes to that.  You have maintained it beautifully.  You are vigilant.  You even came here to prevent relapse.  Nothing has distracted you from it.  You are obviously commited 100% to it.  You can't get through a year of not smoking if you aren't committed and if you ARE distracted.  'Taint possible.  

I think you're placing all the reasons for your  sorrow on the fact that you can't - no correct that - you have CHOSEN not to smoke.  You do understand that you have CHOSEN to remain smoke free, right?  And a good choice it was and still is.  Don't let your imagination make you believe that smoking will cure what ails ya.  It won't.  Whatever doctor it was who told that person to start smoking again... well, uh, I have a problem with that.  A real problem.  But ...that's my "take." 

Not smoking is not the reason you feel like crap.  OK?  We have these moments when we just want to cash it all in and we begin to "romance" smoking all over again.  Don't do that.  Just - don't do that.  Think hard.  Remember what it was like way back there before you laid them down.  Remember the fear, remember the first three days, remember that first week, remember that first month....remember.  Whatever you feel now, I'll bet it's a whole lot better than it was then.  Ya know?  Really think about that. 

[owlfeather]

Truehope.com.  It is a program based on nutrients for depression.  It works.  Go to the website, look it over, call the 800 number.  They have free counseling every day, Monday thru Friday.  They have a Wellness program , a sliding scale fee, according to income (or lack of it).  I was on psychotropics for ten years, and have been on this program for 12 years.  You couldn't get me to take psychotropics now ever.  I encourage you to research this, check it out.  

You are a very courageous person to put this out there.  I see it as a call to arms, a call that says, "There must be another way".   

All the Best 

Owl 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

mail

[stonecipher]

Here's a hug (((((((hug)))))))

I will say a prayer, too.  Can't hurt.

[stonecipher]

AJ,

I keep thinking about you and your dilemma.  It occurs to me that your age may have something to do with what is going on with you.  I have believed for a very long time that people really don't grow up until they turn 30.  And most people grow up during that year (unless they never do grow up at all!).  There is something about that age that brings a maturity that is hard to achieve in your 20's.  You are now an adult for real.  And sometimes, with that, comes a feeling of "Is that all there is?"

When I turned 30, it was a very hard year because of what was going on in my personal life.  But in spite of, or maybe partly because of it, all the drama, I grew more in that one year than I ever have since in such a short time.  I really started to see the whole picture.  I got a little bit out of my own head and more into other people.  I relaxed more with my kids and wasn't so driven to have everything just perfect.  And it was a time of growing close to God and understanding that I can't do life without Him.

But, it was scary and depressing, too.  I hated the realization that I was grown up now and did not have excuses of youth as I did previously.  It also hit me that my life had better start meaning something because I could no longer afford to just wait around until it caught up with me.

So, long story short, I am just wondering if you are experiencing some of this, most especially if your work life is not secure, and you are away from your friends.

Something to think about.  It might  not be physical or psychological.  It might be spiritual, and the medicines for spiritual problems are generally ours for the asking.

[ajalder20t]

just to clarify, I will not be smoking and my feelings and depression is not something that I am trying to use to justify smoking, I just found it both interesting and disturbing that a medical professional would recommend to someone (who at the time had succeeded in quitting smoking dispite the odds) that they go back to smoking as the cure for the depression they were experiencing, and yes i thought (and think) about this story when I am sitting in my home in tears again because I feel like my life has no point, and my existence is useless, and all the people I love wouldn't notice if I wasn't around, and all I have ever tried to do and thought I would be is now a massive failure. My nothingness being my most apparent attribute.

no, I am not looking for an excuse to smoke. I look for okay-ness. Not even neccesarily happiness, just okay-ness. I am sure that if not before then definately now, I could quite possibly be diagnosed with some sort of psychological illness, but then what? Medication? I don't want the feeling of floating on happiness clouds because I am medicated, I want happiness (at least okay-ness) because things ARE good, because life IS ok. and because my feelings, at this time in my life, have been proven wrong, that i AM a a meaningful being,, that i do have value in my existence, that something, someone is glad that I am, despite my faults and ..... i just don't feel that way now in my life.

And, I know people don't like to hear the whinings of the depressed, not when a little pill could make it all better....but i just don't want to pill my life away.

i don't know what I am expecting of the community. nothing really, I just wanted to epxress myself, wanted to feel like someone heard me, because my partner doesn't give a sh-t. For clarification, I do NOT believe in suicide. ABSOLUTELY not. I am a firm believer in people being meant to be born and being meant to die at a certain time, I don't believe we should take our own lives, it may not be what you believe but it IS what I believe, and when I told my partner that it scared me that I was depressed enough to have suicidal type thoughts (I would never ever act on them just so you know) she responded with "That is just silly" and walked out of the room.

I haven't had a hug from her in months, and at this point I don't want one, blah blah blah the situation compounds.

point being, i won't smoke, i don't believe in taking my own life, I don't fully blame quitting for my depressive state but I do think my brain was chemically affected by quitting and my depression affected by quitting. and I shared these things qith the ex commmunity because quitting will always be part of my life, and the ex community has become part of my life since quitting as well. I am sure I am not the only one on ex to have ever felt this way, and maybe my experience (at feeling like worthless waste) can become useful to someone else. who knows.