The title of this blog post pretty much says it all. Although I should probably add, ASHAMED, AFRAID, and feeling worthless. Everytime, everyday these past few weeks, I say that I will not smoke anymore. Then, the next day, sometimes even hours later, I am at it again. I cannot blame my cousin, who is staying here, for giving me smokes. I have not bought them in so long, and if he weren't here I know I wouldn't have access to them, but how the heck can I seperate the two? WHY do I not just have the willpower to REMEMBER what I promised myself hours or minutes or a few days ago? Today I have a physical therapy appointment for the first time since hurting my leg, and I am hoping I will be able to slowly get back into jogging. But every cigarette makes me feel like more of a failure, and I feel like I am slipping into a depression. I am constantly in this flux state of anxiety and depression. I know I can't go on like this, and the guilt of smoking is just killing me (well, lets be honest, SMOKING is killing me,) and I don't know what to do. I debated even writing this blog post. I have been writing seperately and trying to re read it later, because I am so ashamed and afraid that the judgement of this community will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will feel bad, but still be a failure. WHAT THE HELL????
Has anyone else experienced this? I feel so alone.
